


so why don't we go somewhere only we know

by aeriamamaduck



Series: Somewhere to Begin [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Age Difference, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animal Transformation, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxious Katsuki Yuuri, Bad Decisions, Bisexual Katsuki Yuuri, Break Up, Brother Feels, Brotherhood, Brotherly Affection, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Cold Weather, Coming In Pants, Dancing, Denial, Depression, Dissociation, Drunken Kissing, Drunken Shenanigans, Drunkenness, Emotional Baggage, Eros Katsuki Yuuri, Eventual Happy Ending, Experienced Katsuki Yuuri, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Festivals, First Kiss, First Time, Forgiveness, Guilt, Hand Feeding, Happy Ending, Headaches & Migraines, Healers, Healing, Heartbreak, Huddling For Warmth, Implied/Referenced Character Death, In-Laws, Inexperienced Victor Nikiforov, Injury, Injury Recovery, Inspired by Music, Isolation, Jealous Victor Nikiforov, Loneliness, Long-Haired Victor Nikiforov, Loss of Parent(s), Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation, Mating, Medicine, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Mythical Beings & Creatures, No Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Oblivious Heartbreaker Katsuki Yuuri, Past Relationship(s), Pining Katsuki Yuuri, Pining Victor Nikiforov, Post-Break Up, Premature Ejaculation, Purring, Resolved Sexual Tension, Scenting, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Acceptance, Self-Esteem Issues, Shapeshifting, Slow Burn, Social Anxiety, Sort Of, Suicidal Thoughts, Switching, Touch-Starved, Touch-Starved Katsuki Yuuri, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Yuri Plisetsky and Victor Nikiforov are Brothers, feelings of inferiority
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2017-10-03
Packaged: 2018-12-21 16:45:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 51,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11948409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aeriamamaduck/pseuds/aeriamamaduck
Summary: Five years ago, Yuuri made the rash decision to run away from his village, breaking off his relationship with Yuuko after an event that left him shaken and ashamed.For five years he's lived in solitude, a complete mystery to many people.When winter arrives, Yuuri finds a man unlike any other, injured and in need of help.Victor is a Changer, able to transform into different animals. He too is far from home, and his presence marks Yuuri's lonely world.





	so why don't we go somewhere only we know

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dwarrowdams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dwarrowdams/gifts), [littlemomentsofgold](https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlemomentsofgold/gifts).



> it's been 84 years....since I started this monster
> 
> it's gone through so many changes, and now it's finished
> 
> it's also my _100th FIC ON THE ARCHIVE!!!!_ *confetti*
> 
> Millions of thanks to my friends, who were patient enough to hear my complaints about this beast all through the summer. 
> 
> It comes with a suggested playlist too: http://aeriamamaduck.tumblr.com/post/165859834711/somewhere-only-we-know
> 
> Songs quoted are listed in the End Notes. 
> 
> Please enjoy!

* * *

 

_I walked across an empty land_

_I knew the pathway like the back of my hand…_

 

* * *

 

It was getting worse as the years passed.

 

Yuuri was eighteen and he was convinced his life would end sometime in the next few days.

 

Humiliation would likely be the cause of his death, if not the horrible tightening in his chest.

 

Some would say it was unwise of him to strain his vision further in the dark of night, trying to focus on every movement as if he could  _force_  it into clarity. But no, the forest around him stayed mired in formless darkness where Yuuri couldn’t make out a concrete shape. He sighed, tired but too anxious to go back into the warm of the tent.

 

It didn't bother him this much in the past.

 

He was always excited to start off his days, learning everything his mother had to teach and looking forward to seeing Yuuko every day during their dance classes with Minako, proving his strength and intelligence against that braggart Takeshi (who wasn’t a bad sort, really, he just talked loudly and was rather physically imposing).

 

Archery practice got harder as the years passed and the blurriness started to invade objects that were closer to him, and now he was lucky if he could even read signs from twenty paces away. Stationary targets were easy, but Yuuri was terrible at hitting moving targets. He made up for it by setting efficient traps, so he did manage to hunt successfully at least.

 

He closed his eyes at the painful pulse in his forehead, a result of the frequent strain on his eyes. It was bad this time, and it wasn’t helping Yuuri. It was one more thing he had to contend with, one more thing to be anxious about.

 

Familiar arms wrapped around him, a warm body pressing tight against his back. Yuuko gave him a loving squeeze as she kissed the marks she’d left on his neck earlier. He smiled, not minding those marks much. He could always wear high collars, and it was worth getting to see Takeshi turn red every time he and Yuuri crossed paths.

 

“I can hear you thinking all the way over there,” Yuuko said, body warm from sleep and their earlier activities.

 

Yuuri laughed softly, the tension in his shoulders slowly melting away. “Sorry. I’ll try to think a little more quietly.” He sighed heavily as he listened to crickets chirp around them. It was true, his mind was a whirlwind of thoughts that he knew weren’t doing him much good.

 

No one could find out about his weakness. No one would understand, and he’d only be Toshiya and Hiroko’s failure of a son. Mari’s embarrassment of a brother. A weak and plain young man who didn’t deserve Yuuko.

 

It was nearly enough to make him stop breathing. He held on to Yuuko’s presence, wishing it were enough to just fix everything. That he could look at her face and he wouldn’t fall prey to his own weakness.

 

Yuuko gave him a tender smile and started to crawl back into the tent throwing him a sly look over her shoulder. “Are you going to sit there alone in the cold or are you going to come back to the bedroll with me?”

 

Yuuri hesitated only for a second before following Yuuko back into the warm, sinking into the bedroll with her and drawing her close for a deep, desperate kiss.

 

It began when they were sneaking off into every hidden corner they could find as children, giggling to themselves as they talked and danced in private. As the years passed Yuuri still couldn’t bring himself to believe Yuuko would be interested in someone as awkward as he. It was obvious that Takeshi was interested in Yuuko, and Yuuri kept expecting her to realize she was wasting her time with him and run into Takeshi’s open arms.

 

Somewhere in his mind Yuuri knew it was only a matter of time before it happened.

 

Yuuko had shot down two birds during her first hunt at twelve, and Yuuri had felt both pride and trepidation at seeing her triumph, more so when Takeshi shot two birds and a deer. Yuuko only paid attention to Yuuri that entire evening and he was unable to look away. When he turned twelve he matched her two birds, and for a while he felt a rare confidence.

 

The years passed and Yuuri was eighteen and hiding the worst parts of himself from Yuuko and everyone else. That winter it was as if a thread had finally snapped and Yuuri dared to kiss her, and Yuuko realized how he'd felt about her for a long time. Soon they were moaning into each other’s mouths as Yuuko moved on top of Yuuri, his hands clutching her rocking hips.

 

He was somehow still hopeful enough to think that they would probably have a future together, his heart pounding too loudly for him to hear the doubts in his head. They might marry and Yuuri would feel like everything was fine.

 

Yuuri caressed her breast and mouthed at her neck with desperation, knowing just how much he had to lose if things went wrong. He could only hear the villagers’ laughter, hear their whispers, their disappointment.

 

He was still a year away from his mother even considering declaring him a healer, and he didn’t know if he’d even be worthy of it.

 

Yuuko took his face in her hands, her slow, soft kisses on his forehead making him slow down as he quickly made his way down her body. Her face flushed, she panted out, “Gods, you’re acting like this is the last time you’ll ever get to touch me.”

 

He kissed her hard to avoid telling her that’s exactly what he feared, and he tried to ignore everything else save for the sound of her soft sighs.

 

* * *

_And if you're in love then you are the lucky one_

_'Cause most of us are bitter over someone..._

 

* * *

 

 

It had happened as he’d feared.

 

No.

 

It was so much worse.

 

His ragged breathing gave him away.

 

His unsure steps, twigs snapping beneath his boots, sent birds into flight, far away from him.

 

Yuuri was in the middle of the forest, his chest tight and his mind filled with terror.

 

He couldn’t breathe.

 

Everything hurt, starting with his chest. He clutched at tree bark as he found himself hyperventilating, and he wished the earth would just swallow him up as he watched everything slip away from him at the same moment that Yuuko appeared, her eyes wide with fright as she discovered him.

 

Right behind her was Takeshi, looking just as shocked, and Yuuri felt like he was dying several times over.

 

He’d lost Yuuko for good.

 

She’d never caught him before, no one had, why did it have to happen  _now_  why couldn’t he hide it better?

 

How would she even look at him knowing just how weak he was? She saw him gasping for breath with tears in his eyes, and she now knew just how wrong she’d been to put all of her hopes on  _him_.

 

A failure who couldn’t even pull himself out of…whatever this was.

 

They were both with him when he came down from his panic, every limb aching and shaky, his hand still held up to keep Yuuko away, to urge her to leave. The sun was nearly setting, and unfortunately the ground hadn’t swallowed him up. With great reluctance Yuuri got to his feet and walked, dizzy with exhaustion and defeat with every step he took leading him back to the village, Yuuko and Takeshi silent beside him.

 

After that it was all fuzzy.

 

He just knew that Yuuko didn’t say a word to his parents.

 

Everything went on normally in his home.

 

His eyes stayed on his untouched plate, the memory of Yuuko’s worried gaze burning through him.

 

Not one thing.

 

He couldn’t offer her a single thing.

 

How could he hope to have a life with anybody if he couldn't keep up with his own weakness?

 

He became aware of what he was planning to do as he dipped his brush into his ink and started writing how he couldn’t stay in the village, how he was sorry he wasn’t stronger. How he’d write but asked them never to look for him.

 

He stopped himself from writing anything about Yuuko. 

 

It was so stupid. He'd probably get himself killed. He was just being rash and overthinking everything.

 

Still, he couldn't think of staying another day, his shame blinding him to everything else.

 

He packed light, careful of the medicinal plants and other materials he’d stored as he figured out just where he was going. An abandoned cabin that stood about five days’ walk from the village, close to the city that had sprung up just two centuries before to the south. He’d seen it for the first time a year ago, having joined his mother on a journey to a village two days away from the city.

 

He remembered thinking how comfortably lonely the place seemed, far away from ridiculing eyes and voices. It was perfect for his needs. He dug out the bag of money he’d been saving for years, just in case there was a sudden need, along with a short steel dagger Mari had given him on his fourteenth birthday. If bandits caught him by surprise he at least knew he could put up a fight.

 

He only had the barest outline of an idea of what he would do once he was gone, he just knew that he needed to leave, now that everyone was asleep and no one would see him running away. He was a good distance away from the inn and it seemed that he’d get away without a problem.

 

“Yuuri?”

 

He froze in his tracks at the sound of Yuuko’s voice and cursed himself for it. He tried to avoid turning to look at her, knowing he’d lost her and didn’t deserve even a single parting glance. But Yuuri was weak and he turned to see her walking toward him, a tiny lantern in her hand illuminating the look of distress on her face. “What are you doing? Why do you have all those things strapped to your back?”

 

Damn it all, he didn’t want to cry in front of her again. But he was weak, he’d accepted this, and he  _needed_  to look at her one more time.

 

He took in her wide, fearful eyes as she walked towards him, and he took a step back before saying in a small, thin voice, “I’m leaving, Yuuko. I can’t…I can’t stay here. Not after today.”

 

It was weak reasoning, but it was the best he could tell her. 

 

He turned and started to walk away, flinching when she cried out in a voice loud enough to alert anyone nearby, “Yuuri!” He stopped in spite of himself, throat tight and his heart racing with uncertainty and the need to run and hide.  “Yuuri, you’re making too big a deal of this! It’s not important—”

 

“It was to me!” he shouted, cursing the tears stinging the corners of his eyes. “…I just want to leave and forget this ever happened.”

 

Not forget. Not really. He couldn’t face the future with Yuuko  _knowing_ , a future where he spent every day doubled over in agony, trying to breathe normally and pretend he was fine when he  _wasn't_.

 

Yuuko looked at him tearfully and demanded, “Why? Tell me why, Yuuri! Give me one good reason—”

 

“Because I can’t stand looking at myself through  _your_  eyes!” Yuuri breathed hard, unable to keep looking at the agony etched on Yuuko’s face. Guilt gnawed at him, but Yuuri couldn’t let it deter him. All he could feel was her gazing at him, pitying his weakness. “I can’t do it, Yuuko. I’m sorry. You should…stay with Takeshi. He really cares about you…”

 

“You don’t mean that,” she said quietly, voice shaking.

 

Yuuri shook his head and turned away from her, finally letting his tears fall. He was hurting her and he felt wretched for it. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I can’t be…”

 

_I’m sorry I’m not good enough to deserve you._

 

He kept walking and didn’t stop, not even when he heard Yuuko’s small voice call out, “Yuuri…?”

 

* * *

 

**_Five years later_ **

-

_Now another one bites the dust_

_And let’s be clear, I trust no one…_

 

* * *

 

Christophe’s eyes shone as greedily as his cat’s when Yuuri placed the familiar bottle of oil on the counter. “Yuuri, you absolute  _godsend_. My customers keep raving about your bottled magic! The medicines work miracles and everything else does wonders for the skin and sore muscles!”

 

Yuuri smiled self-consciously. After all these years he really should have gotten used to Christophe’s effusive praise, whether it be because of his looks or the medicines and ointments he sold to the merchant. Either way he still waved the compliments away and said, “Really, it’s not anything too impressive.”

 

“You’re selling yourself short, Yuuri,” Christophe’s husband Eduard said as he emerged from the storeroom, their cat perched on his shoulder as if it were a throne. “Our customers keep asking about the genius responsible for these concoctions, but all we can tell them is that the genius prefers to keep to himself.”

 

“I appreciate that, Eduard,” Yuuri said, his smile fading a little.

 

It was true. He preferred to spend as little time in the city as possible, interacting with as few people as he could as he went about his business on days when he did venture away from his cabin. He happily sold his goods to Christophe, but it went no further than that. It was still a little soon to really consider the two men his friends, but being able to talk to them for a little while every few days did help him cope with his solitude.

 

But Yuuri had chosen solitude, and so he’d live with it.

 

Christophe’s eyes narrowed a bit as he examined the label on the bottle, and Yuuri felt that familiar twinge in his chest. It turned out Christophe’s vision was nearly as troublesome as his, but even knowing that wasn’t enough to let Yuuri open up and seek a connection to another human being. Confronting his own feelings about everything was too frightening, and he doubted he’d ever be ready.

 

“It is a shame, really,” Christophe said with a suggestive grin. “Since there are plenty of people just willing to go warm up that cold cabin of yours.”

 

Yuuri blushed and looked away. “Very funny, Christophe.”

 

“He’s telling the truth! There’s…Sara, the butcher’s sister,” Eduard immediately said.

 

“J.J.’s wife, Isabella,” Christophe put in. “Perhaps even Jean-Jacques himself, but he’s too terrified that you’re going to steal his beloved wife away from him first!”

 

Yuuri shook his head vehemently, his face still red. “Are you kidding?! I won't pursue a married woman, and Sara just sells me my meat! Besides, her brother would  _kill_  me if I even suggested that I’d like to…”

 

Christophe chuckled lightly and said with a dismissive wave of his hand, “Just accept it, Yuuri. You’re a handsome devil walking among us mere mortals. The fact that you’re so secretive makes you all the more…attractive.”

 

His cheeks warmed further at the man’s suggestively raised brow, and he immediately closed himself off, muttering, “I’d hoped secrets had the opposite effect…” It seemed that all secrets did was raise further questions, even in a growing city, and Yuuri could feel himself grow colder at the thought.

 

Mercifully Eduard finally produced the money they owed him, placing a rather hefty bag of money on the counter in front of Yuuri. “Hopefully this covers our payment,” he said with a smile.

 

One thing Yuuri didn’t have to worry about was going hungry, as he repeatedly assured his mother in his letters. The majority of his concoctions were well-received, even if he didn’t personally dispense them much of the time. Sometimes a grateful patient paid him so much more than what he was owed, and while he always tried to decline the excessive amount of gold they would keep insisting and his protests died in his throat. He made sure to divide it into what he’d send home to his family, what he’d give to the city's destitute, and what he needed to keep his cabin standing. “You two always overpay me,” he said, the bag lying heavy in his palm.

 

Christophe shrugged and answered matter-of-factly, “You make reliable product that people have come to appreciate thoroughly. It barely covers the effort you put in, Yuuri, walking back and forth.”

 

Yuuri didn’t know what to do with the praise Christophe gave him. It sounded so genuine, especially coming from the man from whom flowery compliments flowed like fine drink. Keeping his gaze averted from the two men, Yuuri gave them a quick bow and said, “Thank you both. Please have a good day.”

 

He pocketed his money and left the shop, not bothering to turn around when he heard Christophe call, “Take care, Yuuri!”

 

It was still early in the afternoon, and Yuuri had slept quite well the night before, but his feet still felt like lead as he walked out into the market, surrounded by familiar faces whose names he would never bother to learn.

 

He stopped at his usual meat stall, the sight and smell of blood making him mildly dizzy. At least Michele and Sara made sure their aprons didn’t stain permanently, and their meat was always fresh.

 

“The usual, Yuuri?” asked a bright feminine voice.

 

Sara’s gaze caught his, and he couldn’t tear away from her vivid violet eyes, heart sinking as he remembered his earlier conversation with Christophe. He prayed he wasn’t being too inviting even as he smiled back at her, but her cheeks bloomed with color and she averted her gaze, her smile widening.

 

“Erm…th-the usual. Yes. Thank you, Sara,” Yuuri managed, forcing his gaze to the ground and breathing a sigh of relief when she went to her twin brother.

 

His mind traitorously pushed to the forefront thoughts of how it would be to spend a night with Sara, with her curvy legs wrapped around him as he kissed her full lips. He glanced up and caught Michele’s suspicious gaze, and he forced those thoughts out of his head.

 

It wouldn’t work out anyway. Not with Sara or anyone else.  _I chose this_ , he said to himself firmly.  _I chose this._

 

He paid them and went on with his shopping for a little while longer, relieved when he was finished and could finally head back to his cabin.

 

“Yuuri!”

 

He stopped at the sound of the familiar voice and turned towards its source, smiling in spite of everything else. Phichit, one of Mistress Lilia’s dancers, was running towards him with a wide grin on his face.

 

In another life, Yuuri probably would have considered him his best friend, even if Yuuri did little to encourage the association other than briefly talk to the younger man when he happened to be in city. They'd met two years before on one of the few occasions Yuuri stopped to watch the dances, and Phichit singled him out for conversation afterward when he lingered in the hall, losing himself in memories of his own dancing.

 

Though he ached for friendship, he still told himself that distance was better and he'd avoid disappointing anyone else. It lasted for a while until he realized he really wanted to foster a friendship with the younger man, even if Yuuri remained extremely secretive.

 

At least it seemed that Phichit didn't resent him for it any of it, content to be yet another person in city Yuuri could happily talk to, as restrained as he was. 

 

“Hello, Phichit. I haven’t seen you around lately,” he greeted, slowing his pace to let the younger man catch up.

 

Phichit fell into step beside him, enthusiastically replying, “Lilia and I went to visit her old friend, Mistress Minako.”

 

Yuuri nearly froze in his tracks, a familiar dread filling his chest at the sound of his old dance teacher’s name. He bit the inside of his cheek and found himself asking Phichit, “…Did she seem well?”

 

Phichit nodded and replied, “She did. She was a little busy with these three sisters she’s just starting to teach. Identical triplets! They look cute but they’re absolute demons when they put their minds to it.”

 

A heavy stone settled in his heart, joining all of the others, and Yuuri felt his throat grow tight as he realized who Phichit was talking about. “…Axel, Lutz, and Loop,” he said softly, gaze falling to the ground.

 

“You know them?” he heard Phichit ask with surprise.

 

Hearing about those girls threw everything back in his face with full force, and he almost reeled from the impact. He prided himself on keeping his voice even when he answered in a soft voice, “I knew their parents.”  _I was in love with their mother_. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply to try and get himself back together, trying to avoid the tight feeling in his chest. “I’ll see you around, Phichit.”

 

He walked away without another word, feeling Phichit's hard stare on him.

 

Yuuri was tense as he made his way to his cabin, the flurries of snow falling around him and the cold wind bracing.

 

It was just as well that he kept his secrets. No one bothered him in the once little run-down cabin. It was his hidden little haven, surrounded by the forest and far enough from the city that surely people would be reluctant to make the long walk to see him, not that he expected anyone. He made sure no one from his past knew where he was.

 

Yuuri paid a messenger extra to ensure they kept his location secret whenever he did happen to send his family a letter with only spare bits of news about his life and wellbeing. Their letters always found him by way of that same messenger, who was kind enough to be both discreet and wait for his family to write what words they needed to and take them to Yuuri, never giving a clue about his location to them.

 

Mari confessed she once tried to throttle the messenger, but concentrated her efforts on writing instead, though fuming all the while. After all, she confessed, their mother had told Mari that while she was worried about him, she trusted Yuuri to stay safe and to return or tell them where he was when he was ready.

 

How he hated to let her down, but it wasn't the first time he had. Still, the letters came once he sent his.

 

He closed his door and shook the thin layer of snow from his cloak before it melted into the thick fabric, hanging it on the hook next to the door, before going to light his fire.

 

The cabin’s condition five years before nearly made Yuuri reconsider his choice to run. There was a sturdy wooden tub in which to bathe in the only other room, and the rest of it had the fireplace and sleeping area, which Yuuri had filled with all of his ingredients, materials, and books.

 

When he'd first arrived everything was covered in a thick layer of grime and dust, and the cold managed to seep through during that first winter, making Yuuri spend what he’d managed to save up on enough furs to make sure he didn’t die and on the necessary repairs the cabin sorely needed.

 

He missed the hot springs, realizing just how spoiled he’d been in terms of being able to bathe in hot water during the winter. There were several times when he’d had to break through films of ice just for some water to warm up, and he was glad that he gave himself the luxury of good soaps that kept him clean and smelling good.

 

It was lonely. He’d grown up surrounded by people, knowing just where they were all the time. It had been stifling it had been safe. But this was safer. No one knew him or looked too closely at him, and he had a privacy he has grown to treasure, a quiet that he appreciated. He had many books purchased from Christophe, many of which added to his medical knowledge and also served to distract him.

 

He didn’t think about how deafening the quiet could be, especially at night. He didn’t think of how total silence allowed his thoughts to wander to places he preferred not to traverse.

 

No messages today. Yuuri felt some relief. The last had been from his father, a simple telling of news and the usual gentle entreaty to return, signed by him and his mother.

 

There were times when he was sorely tempted to pick up and go back home, but Yuuri couldn't stand the thought of shaming his family further with his cowardice.

 

Not a word about Yuuko, but he was honestly terrified of receiving any news concerning her.

 

Nearly two years after he’d run away he’d gotten a letter from Mari following a simple message he'd sent back home.

 

Yuuko had married Takeshi and they were expecting a child. It had been a joyous affair, complete with radiant bride and proud groom. They looked perfectly suited for one another.

 

Because she knew he’d ask, Mari assured Yuuri that yes, Yuuko was genuinely happy. She deserved to be after a year of weeping for Yuuri.

 

Months later came the news of Yuuko giving birth to not one, but three healthy girls.

 

That was when Yuuri started burning the letters as soon as he read them.

 

While he was glad she’d forgotten him (of course he was glad, he had no choice otherwise), he didn’t want to imagine himself sitting beside Yuuko, wearing a groom’s attire and smiling at their friends and family as music played and food and drink were served in their honor. He didn’t want to imagine himself as the father of those three mischievous girls with strange names only Yuuko could have come up with.

 

The familiar pounding began in his forehead, and Yuuri groaned softly as he lay facedown in his bed.

 

He shook off all thoughts of Yuuko and her daughters, not wanting to delve too deeply into them. He did need to do some plant gathering if he wanted to keep making a living and keep his hands and mind busy.

 

It would at least keep his thoughts from straying to other, darker places. There were times when he thought of how easy it would be to put stones in his pockets, or leap from a great height into nothingness in the middle of the forest, all to put an end to his guilt, his loneliness. He hadn't thought to do it in such a long time, not wanting to count the times when he stopped by a steep ledge, realizing how easy and quick it would be to just  _jump_.

 

Somehow Yuuri kept breathing, and all those breaths amounted to five years in this place.

 

Maybe he could take pride in that, at least.

 

* * *

 

_Let it break upon you_

_Like a wave upon the sand…_

 

* * *

 

Yuuri took emotional comfort from the many memories he had of his mother’s patient teachings. The quickly approaching winter meant a pause for his usual gathering, but there were still things he could do for ingredients.

 

The river would freeze over in a few weeks, and Yuuri would shift his focus to cold remedies and ointments to ease winter aches. It was during the winter especially that he missed his mother’s cooking. He would probably never be able to reproduce her pork cutlet bowls, but he got by with what he made. It was familiar and it still tasted good, so at least he didn’t have to keep venturing into city for a proper meal.

 

His snares still served him well, though he was careful not to overhunt in the area. At least he could write back home that he wasn’t starving to death.

 

Mari wrote that they didn’t completely understand why he had to stay away, but they knew enough that he would feel worse if they dragged him back home. At least they knew he was safe, and Mari said that that was the most important thing, even if he  _was_  being a stubborn fool.

 

He found nothing in his snares this time, but Yuuri wasn’t terribly worried. He’d make it through this winter, and all others that came after.

 

The solitude didn’t scare him.

 

Yuuri had convinced himself of that long ago.

 

It was so quiet all around him, save for the gentle noise of the river. He couldn’t hear animals scurrying, or the flap of bird wings.

 

It was as if it really was just him in the forest, cleanly cut off from everything else. He frowned faintly as he absentmindedly parted a bush to pick among its leaves.

 

A long-haired man lay sprawled on the ground next to it, unmoving and eyes closed, an arrow lodged in his forearm.

 

Yuuri shouted in shock and quickly backed away, staring wide-eyed at the body as his heart slammed in his chest. He swallowed and shook, alarmed by the sight until he was finally able to think rationally despite it.

 

_He’s hurt. He looks so pale, and he’s probably half-frozen. There’s some snow settling on him, but not too much…_

 

Yuuri knelt to get a closer look, biting his lip and bringing forth all he knew so he could properly navigate the situation. This wasn’t illness, at least not yet, and he was unused to treating injury on his own. The man certainly didn’t look like he was ill or starving even before his injury. His hair, long and silver, looked thick and lustrous. His clothes were fine, as were his boots.

 

Gaze falling on the man’s face, Yuuri inhaled sharply.

 

His features were finely wrought, a straight nose, prettily shaped lips, and long eyelashes many women would have envied. Yuuri saw the cloud of his breath as he exhaled shakily and he felt his cheeks grow warm. The man was the most beautiful person he had ever seen.

 

Then his gaze fell on the arrow sticking out of the man’s left forearm, and the very wrong angle the arm lay at.

 

A dislocated shoulder. Yuuri breathed shakily and slowly went to touch the man to see if he still lived.

 

His skin was cold, but there was a pulse. Yuuri leaned forward to hear the man’s breathing, finding it shallow and rapid. He seemed to have been out in the cold too long, and that wasn’t good at all.

 

_I have to do something. I can’t just leave him here like this._

 

Swallowing, Yuuri took his medicine bag off and put it aside. He had to work quickly and the cold had already made everything a hundred times worse with the dislocation. The pain of resetting it would most assuredly wake the man up and Yuuri could only pray he didn’t cause any muscle damage.

 

It seemed that the arrow was the first thing he needed to take care of. He thought back to the medical books he pored over night after night, to the basics of human anatomy, and gritted his teeth.  _Okay, Yuuri, you can do this. Do something right for a change._

 

He carefully snapped the arrow in two and quickly glanced at the man’s face. Only the barest flinch before returning to its previous state. Good. Now came the tricky part.

 

Yuuri gently took hold of the cold wrist in one hand and lifted the injured forearm, stamping down his fear as he took a firm hold of the remaining half of the arrow and tugged it out, slowly and carefully. He blanched at the sight of blood pouring out of the wound, and nearly didn’t notice that second pair of eyes flying open in pain.

 

A strong hand gripped Yuuri’s arm, and he looked up in surprise to see the man half-sitting up, lips drawn back in a snarl and his crystal blue eyes bright with fury and pain. 

 

Yuuri nearly froze up beneath that gaze and stuttered, “I-I’m sorry! I need you to stay still for a moment.” He tried tugging his arm out of the crushing grip, wincing when the man refused to let go. “Y-Your shoulder’s dislocated, and you had an arrow in your arm. I have to reset your shoulder and wrap your arm up in a sling, alright?”

 

Those blue eyes looked right at him, the man breathing deeply as he finally seemed to register the pain, and he asked in a ragged voice, “Are you the one who shot that arrow?”

 

He spoke in a strange accent, one oddly familiar to Yuuri. He quickly shook his head and answered, “No I’m not. I promise.”

 

Still staring at him with an intensity that made Yuuri shrink back slightly, the man slowly loosened his grip on Yuuri’s arm, and pain replaced the anger in his face. He practically sagged forward, supporting himself on his uninjured arm and swaying slightly as Yuuri watched him grow paler. “I…I don’t know how long I’ve been here,” he said softly. “It was…The sun was still high when this arrow came out of nowhere, and…”

 

“A couple of hours, then,” Yuuri surmised, his voice shaky as he tried to ignore the throb in his arm. He slowly brought trembling hands to the man’s upper arm, those blue eyes following his every move. He pulled back the neck of his shirt, and they both winced upon seeing the bone sitting well out of place. Swallowing, Yuuri warned nervously, “Alright…This is going to hurt.”

 

“I can endure it,” the man said, and Yuuri was a bit comforted by the slight hint of fear in his voice.

 

“I’ll do it on five. Count for me, please?”

 

He heard the man swallow before he began counting, “One…two…”

 

Yuuri wrenched his arm back and heard the satisfying pop, along with the man shouting an oath in an unfamiliar language. Yuuri backed off immediately, his heart beating hard in surprise at what he’d accomplished. He watched the pain fade from the man’s face, replaced by bewilderment as he turned to look at his shoulder, put back in its place. “You…You did it.”

 

“I did…!” Yuuri exclaimed, an exhilarated laugh escaping him. He saw the blood staining the man’s sleeve and remembered the other injury. “Wait, hold on.” He retrieved his medicine bag and brought out clean bandages that he carried out of habit, and he was suddenly glad he did. He rolled the bandage over the man’s arm, noting the swelling already forming on his upper arm. “There…I’m going to have to take you back to my cabin to treat your arm and give you a proper sling...and make sure everything’s really in place.”

 

“I don’t know if I can stand,” the man said with a frown.

 

“That’s alright, I’ll help you.” Without thinking Yuuri wound an arm around the man’s waist, prompting him to grip Yuuri’s shoulder as they slowly got him to his shaky feet. “There you go…My cabin’s just a few minutes away. You’ll be warm again in no time.”

 

“Thank you,” the man replied weakly, making Yuuri pause to let his dizziness calm down. “My name is Victor,” he said, giving Yuuri a faint smile as they began to walk.

 

“I’m Yuuri. Katsuki Yuuri.”

 

Victor’s eyes widened and he looked pleasantly surprised. “Really!?”

 

Yuuri frowned in confusion. “Yes, really. Why?”

 

“My little brother’s name is Yuri! It’s just pronounced a little differently.”

 

“Huh. Small world.”

 

Later on Yuuri blew out a relieved breath once he made sure Victor’s arm was bandaged and in a sling. He sat on Yuuri’s bed, brow wrinkled with pain even as he smiled at Yuuri in gratitude.

 

His eyes were a playful blue, bright and entrancing to look at, and Yuuri had to force his gaze away several times.

 

His hair was…beautiful. Yuuri wanted to drag his fingers through it to see if it was as soft and silky as it looked, despite the leaves and twigs caught in it.

 

Oh. Right. A perfect excuse.

 

He cleared his throat and said in a hesitant tone, “Erm…you’ve got leaves and things in your hair.”

 

Victor used his good hand to peer at a strand, and pouted when he saw the state his hair was in. “Well…this won’t do.”

 

“Here, let me help,” Yuuri offered a little too eagerly. He took a lock of hair in his hand and carefully began to pick the debris out of it, marveling inwardly,  _Gods, it’s so soft…_

 

He almost jumped when Victor softly said, “Thank you. You’re very gentle.”

 

“I-It’s nothing,” Yuuri stammered, unable to resist carefully undoing the tangles with his fingers, relishing the silkiness.

 

He worked in silence for a few minutes, taking a little longer than he probably should have making sure Victor’s hair was free of tangles.

 

“You lied to me,” Victor suddenly commented while Yuuri was distracted with the feel of what he could swear was actual silk in his hands.

 

Face turning red, Yuuri looked up at Victor with wide eyes. “What?”

 

Victor turned and raised a perfect eyebrow at him and accused, “You told me you’d reset my shoulder on the count of five and you didn’t  _wait_.”

 

Embarrassed, Yuuri tore his gaze away, biting the inside of his lip before explaining, “I-It’s just…you would’ve tensed if I’d waited and made resetting it harder. It’s a trick a lot of healers use.”

 

Then Victor began to laugh, the sound of it musical even as Yuuri stared in bewilderment. “It’s alright, Yuuri! I’m not angry. Just…amused and impressed. It’s a very clever trick to use!” He winced again and turned his gaze back on his arm, a worried frown appearing on his face. “Gods, Yakov was right to warn me about hunters...I thought I'd be home by tomorrow afternoon, but now I can't even fly.”

 

Yuuri blinked at him. “Fly?”

 

“Yes. Fly,” Victor repeated matter-of-factly. “Even changing back into a bird is going to be difficult too. Probably painful.”

 

Silent for a few moments as he stared at the man, Yuuri pressed his palm to Victor’s forehead.

 

The man looked back at Yuuri and asked, “…What are you doing, Yuuri?”

 

“…Well, you don’t have a fever. But how else can I explain the delirium? Did you eat anything strange before your injury? Maybe some mushrooms?”

 

Victor blinked at him in surprise and asked, “What do you mean? Who’s delirious?!”

 

Yuuri withdrew his hand and replied, “You, obviously. Humans don’t fly, Victor.”

 

The man frowned at him before the look faded into amusement, and he laughed as if Yuuri had just told him a very hilarious joke. “Me? Human? Whatever gave you  _that_  idea?”

 

“I…What…?” Yuuri shook his head, growing a little irritated with Victor’s amusement at his expense. True, the man had an otherworldly beauty, but Yuuri was quite sure he was human.

 

Still smiling at him, Victor simply stated, “I’m a Changer, Yuuri.”

 

He’d said it in a way that implied that it should have explained everything, but Yuuri still wondered if Victor was experiencing some manner of delirium. He’d grown up with stories about the mythical shapeshifters, and those stories were often incorporated into the dances he performed as a child. It was said that Changers were people who could turn into any kind of animal at will, but in their human form they were indistinguishable from everyone else. If Victor was indeed telling the truth, Yuuri knew the “indistinguishable” part was untrue. Victor would no doubt draw anyone’s eye no matter where he went. Yuuri shook his head, so sure that such magic wasn’t real. “…That’s impossible. Changers are just a myth.”

 

Victor sighed and shrugged with his good shoulder, looking too exhausted and pained to try and convince Yuuri. “I’d prove it, but like I said, the Change is bound to be painful. I had a friend who broke his leg and tried turning back into a boar before treatment. It…wasn’t a pleasant thing to see. He recovered, though.”

 

Yuuri paled at the thought of such an injury, but he didn’t know if he should even be entertaining the idea of Changers being real. “If you really are a Changer, what animal are you supposed to be?”

 

“Animal _s_ ,” Victor emphasized. “I like changing it up every now and then, but I usually prefer being a falcon. Or else a wolf or a mouse.”

 

It was all so casual and Yuuri knew Victor believed what he was saying. The silver-haired man added, “Incidentally I was a falcon when some hunter shot me out of the sky. And we heal a lot faster than humans do, so at least this won’t keep me down for too long.” He gave his arm a rueful gaze, clicking his tongue in dismay, and then turned to Yuuri and asked, “You’ve really never met a Changer before?”

 

Yuuri, still trying to make sense of Victor’s claims, shook his head. “You’d be the first…Are you hungry?” he suddenly asked, remembering that people, fantastic beings or not, still needed to eat. Especially if said people were his patients. “I can make us some dinner. Maybe some broth for you to start with. Then some willow bark tea for the pain.”

 

Victor looked rather put out by the fact that Yuuri clearly didn't believe him, but he seemed to relent for the moment and merely said, “Thank you.”

 

Yuuri watched carefully as Victor drank his broth and then his tea, already anticipating the pain the man would be in. After helping him get ready, Yuuri got Victor onto bed as carefully as possible, biting his lip guiltily at every wince that crossed the man's face.

 

Actually having a patient to attend himself was new territory for Yuuri. He'd certainly assisted his mother when she had a patient, but now he was on his own. Victor was awake and alert, but still far from recovered, and Yuuri didn't want to cause him any further harm. They'd barely met, but Victor seemed to have put his trust in Yuuri for now, and Yuuri wanted to focus his energy on making sure the man recovered rather than his need for solitude.

 

Of course this arrangement presented a bit of a problem. Yuuri surrendered his bed, of course, but in the five years he'd been on his own he'd never thought of keeping an extra bedroll. He didn't say a word as he spread a blanket out on the floor close to the bed Victor lay in, already dreading the thought of the aches and pains he'd no doubt wake up with.

 

“You’re not sleeping on the floor, are you?” Victor asked, looking at Yuuri with wide eyes.

 

Yuuri blushed a little and looked down at the blanket. “I don't have a bedroll, and you’re my patient, so…”

 

“But you’ll be uncomfortable, and—”

 

“It’s fine, Victor,” Yuuri insisted, lying down and pulling his cloak over his body. At least it wasn't too cold yet. “Wake me if you need anything.”

 

He could tell even in the silence that Victor wasn’t entirely pleased, and while he found himself appreciating the man’s concern he still hoped Victor would get better quickly so his life could go back to its sad normalcy. 

 

They both lay down, Yuuri able to hear the lingering pain in Victor's breaths and waiting to see when or if they would even out. He lay on his side, facing the bed and the man on it, and watched in the semi-darkness how Victor's brow wrinkled. He found himself wondering how anyone's eyes could be so blue, or have hair that soft. 

 

Soon he found himself listening to Victor's deep, even breaths, and relaxed as best he could so he could at least manage a few hours of sleep.

 

He dreamed he was still touching silken silver hair.

 

When Yuuri woke up he was at first surprised to find himself on the floor, then remembered everything that had transpired the day before. Victor. His injuries. His wild claims. He sat up, his neck and back completely stiff, and peered at his bed. 

 

Victor didn't seem to have moved at all the whole night, his injured arm still in the same position. Sighing in relief, Yuuri got up and knelt by the bed, forcing himself into alertness even as he yearned to sink into his warm bed and go back to sleep.  

 

Yuuri checked Victor's vitals as gently as possible, trying not to wake him up as he doubted his sleep was any more comfortable than Yuuri's. He touched Victor's wide forehead and was relieved to find that there was still no hint of a fever. He drew his hand away when Victor’s eyes started to slowly come open, and those blue eyes looked around in confusion before they fell on Yuuri.

 

To his surprise, Victor smiled up at him as though he were a welcome sight and said in wonder, “Mmm…So I wasn’t dreaming.”

 

A frisson of shock and shyness gave Yuuri a jolt and he tore his gaze away from the brightness in Victor's eyes, hoping the man didn't notice the blush he felt spreading across his face. He cleared his throat and asked, “How are you feeling? I can make you some more tea for the pain.”

 

Victor carefully tried to sit up, wincing and settling back onto the bed, his eyes bright with pain rather than...whatever Yuuri had seen a moment ago. “It does hurt a bit," he admitted. His gaze flitted up to Yuuri again, and he asked with a concerned wrinkle of his forehead, "Did you sleep well, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri kept his face down once it was clear that his blush wasn't going away. He would have preferred to not face him, but Victor had to get out of bed sometime. He cleared his throat and said, “Er…Yes, I did.”

 

* * *

 

_I don’t even know if I believe_

_Everything you’re trying to say to me…_

* * *

 

Beast or not, Victor was going to kill him.

 

A few days into their cohabitation, it quickly became obvious that once he was comfortable (or as comfortable as he could be with an injured arm) Victor very much made himself at home. At least where his body was concerned. Everything else was a bit of a mystery, in spite of the man's claims that he was some manner of mythical shapeshifter.

 

Once Victor was able to carefully wash, Yuuri was treated to an unrestricted view of his muscular body, since apparently Victor had no qualms about nudity. With looks and a body like that, Victor must have had people lusting after him daily. It was easy to imagine him surrounded by admirers, seducing anyone who caught his fancy with those playful blue eyes of his.

 

And he was so warm to the touch, Yuuri marveling at the heat in his skin whenever he touched him. His hair was astonishingly soft, and he asked Yuuri if he could braid it for him to keep it out of the way. Yuuri did so, fingers shaking when he touched those lovely tresses.

 

Yuuri kept his own eyes on his work, feeling guilty that he was looking forward to a chance for a lone journey to the city just to get away from Victor's dangerously playful gaze. Seducer or not, Victor was still his responsibility, and he did feel awful that the man was still experiencing pain.

 

“You have a lot of books,” Victor said on his third day with Yuuri, sipping his tea.

 

Yuuri looked up and saw Victor peering at his full shelves, his eyes curious. “Mostly books on healing,” Yuuri replied, getting up and wiping his hands clean before making his way to the shelves and selecting an armful of his favorites. He dared a glance up at Victor's face, smiling at the man's surprise when he sat down on the edge of the bed and placed the books at his side. “I…also have some adventure books…for boredom, mostly. Feel free to read anything you’d like.” He was glad he kept his more...personal collection of erotic books hidden away.

 

"Thank you, Yuuri," Victor said quietly, taking the first of the books in his good hand and carefully opening it. His eyes looked ready to devour the pages and Yuuri felt a little guilty that it hadn't occurred to him that Victor might be bored. His mother would be ashamed of him for forgetting this aspect of his patient's comfort, something she had always stressed in her teachings. He already let the man borrow some of his clothes, though they didn't quite fit him properly. Still, it was better than letting him walk around naked.

 

He began to look for any signs of discomfort, such as when Victor stared at the limp strands of his hair and sighed when he touched his unwashed scalp. Staring at his hands, Yuuri quietly offered to wash his hair for him.

 

Yuuri gently worked the soap into Victor's scalp as the man bent over a wooden pail filled with water, trying not to think of Yuuko's fingers combing through the drying strands of her brown hair. 

 

“Who taught you about healing and medicine?” Victor suddenly asked, peering up at Yuuri as he started rubbing the man's hair dry, careful not to jostle his neck and shoulder.

 

“My mother did. She taught me everything I know,” Yuuri replied, eyes darting away for fear that Victor might have the power to discover his past behind them. He swallowed nervously and tried to figure out a way to steer the conversation away from himself. “So what animals did you say you turned into again?”

 

It was a far better conversation topic than why he was by himself.

 

Looking buoyed by the question, Victor immediately said, “A falcon, a wolf, and a mouse. That’s the usual amount of forms for us to have, and we make it a point to add a little variety.”

 

Well...Victor certainly seemed to believe all of that. “You don’t say,” Yuuri commented, feeling a faint smile on his face. He knew he was being patronizing at this point, but everything Victor was saying seemed so unbelievable, so out of this world. There was thinking Victor looked like a living god and there was actually thinking he was some magical creature of legend.

 

Still, Victor was dead-serious when he talked about these things, and...that sort of said something. 

 

Face half-shrouded in a towel, Victor was smiling at Yuuri knowingly, one of his perfect brows raised. “If you don’t believe me, why are you so curious, Yuuri? Still think I’m delirious?”

 

Yuuri looked away from that smile, feeling that Victor's eyes were seeing too much even if they weren't actually talking about Yuuri's past. If he thought about it, some of the stories he'd grown up hearing had to have been based on fact, especially some of the less...fantastical ones, such as otherworldly people appearing in the woods and suddenly disappearing, the only sound being birdsong. “...It’s just strange to think that those stories might have some truth to them, and people turning into animals does seem a bit of a stretch,” he admitted.

 

“Stories like that are usually based on truths,” Victor said with a gentle toss of his hair, repeating Yuuri's thought from just moments before. 

 

Drying his hands, Yuuri picked up the comb he'd set aside and moved to kneel behind Victor and carefully untangle his hair. “How come humans don’t see more of your kind around, then?” he asked as he gently worked a particularly bad tangle.

 

“Who says you don’t?" Victor asked, giving him a quick, wide-eyed glance over his shoulder. "You just may not know it! You thought I was just like you, after all.”

 

Well...he was telling the truth about one thing; Victor was certainly more than Yuuri could ever hope to be. “…I guess you're right. You’re…nothing like me,” he said a little bitterly. He sighed, deciding that if he was going to entertain this whole notion he'd better commit to being surprised. “So…you said you were flying when you got shot?”

 

Victor's head drooped as he looked down at his lap, quiet for a moment before sighing and explaining, “I was foolish. I kept feeling…drawn away from my village. Yakov, the man who raised me and my brother, kept telling me not to stray too far, that one of these days a hunter’s arrow might find me.” He gave a soft, bitter laugh, and Yuuri paused at the sound. “The old man was right. Now I can’t go home until the pass is clear, and with my arm injured and the snow starting to fall harder…”

 

That meant that no matter how quickly Victor healed, he wouldn't be going home until spring, months away at this point. Victor probably hadn't realized it until now. He'd told Yuuri that he wasn't very familiar with these lands, and he knew there weren't many of his kind nearby. “It’s that isolated, is it?”

 

Victor turned to face Yuuri, nodding dejectedly. “Not even a messenger could get through. Even flying is dangerous.”

 

Right. Because he flew. And storms were common.

 

Yuuri didn't comment on the flying part, feeling awful that Victor found himself in this situation all because he had the bad luck to get hit by a stray arrow. And he couldn't very well just leave Victor to fend for himself in a place he wasn't familiar with.

 

It went against the grain for him to even make this offer, but Victor looked like he didn't know what he would do once he was healed, and it hurt a little to see him look so helpless. “You can…stay as long as you need to.”

 

Surprisingly he didn't regret suggesting it.

 

Victor looked up at him in surprise, color rising slightly in his cheeks. “Are you sure, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri nodded, giving Victor a small smile and deciding that this was a good decision, though he steadfastly ignored the tiny part of him that was overjoyed to have company. “Yes. Like I said, you’re my patient. I’m responsible for you.” 

 

Relief flooded Victor's eyes, and Yuuri barely had a moment to react before the man leaned in and gave him a one-armed hug, burying Yuuri's face in his shoulder. Yuuri, wide-eyed and red-faced, was frozen as Victor quietly said with a smile in his voice, “Thank you, Yuuri.”

 

He was still frozen, though his skin tingled with heat at the sudden contact, something he'd deprived himself of for so long. Victor was only hugging him with one arm, but Yuuri could feel the sheer gratitude in it. 

 

He didn't return it, his hands stuck to his lap as Victor let him go, his smile like a shining beacon. Then Victor's eyes darted away briefly, and his smile was sheepish as he said, “Um…Yuuri?”

 

Though he was too dazed to say a word moments before, Yuuri quickly straightened and asked, “Is something wrong? What do you need?”

 

"Nothing, nothing now, it's just..." The hand that had clutched Yuuri so close gently closed around his wrist, fingertips briefly stroking the inside of it and giving Yuuri another taste of that touch. "I don't think I'll ever be able to thank you for...for how you've helped me. You've given me books to read, you've washed my hair..."

 

“Of course I'd help you wash your hair! I-It's...very long...and your arm is...” Yuuri decided to stop talking, fearing that putting words together would be difficult with Victor around.

 

Victor, however, replied with a beautiful laugh that had Yuuri reeling. “You're too kind! Meanwhile my little brother takes every opportunity to make fun of my forehead! He says you could probably see if from the moon.”

 

“It’s not  _that_  big...” Yuuri said quietly. Now that Victor had actually pointed it out, his forehead was quite large.

 

“Oh, but you still think it’s big!” Victor accused with a grin. Yuuri couldn't help but return it, his heart feeling a little lighter at the sound of another person's laughter in his cabin. Then Victor's gaze turned thoughtful. “I've been meaning to ask...Do you live here by yourself?”

 

Whatever good mood Yuuri had building up completely disappeared at the question. His smile faded and he looked down at his lap, thinking carefully before answering, “I do. There’s a small city nearby if I need anything, but I keep to myself.”

 

“...It must get lonely,” Victor said, and Yuuri winced at the truth in those words. 

 

Still, he maintained a steady expression and said to Victor, “I don't mind.”

 

Somewhere in his heart even he didn't believe it.

 

Giving the back of his neck a sheepish rub, Victor said something Yuuri did not expect. “...I wouldn’t want to get in the way of you bringing back some company…”

 

Yuuri flushed again, refusing to look at Victor's well-meaning face, and got to his feet to clean everything up while stammering, “Th-there…There won’t be any company!”

 

He kept moving, not wanting to give himself the time to think about Victor's words, and then the man added, “That’s almost hard to believe. You are a very good-looking man.”

 

At that, Yuuri stopped in his tracks, and cursed himself for it. He wished his face would stop looking so red, but that was impossible after Victor had caught him completely off-guard with the compliment. Still not looking at the man, Yuuri cleared his throat and muttered loud enough for him to hear, “Not as hard to believe as Changers being real.”

 

“I’m telling the truth!” Victor insisted, now looking a little exasperated.

 

“Right, right.”

 

The man threw his hand up in apparent defeat, and asked testily, “Do you at least believe me when I tell you that I really do find you to be a handsome man?”

 

Standing at the door with his hand on the handle, Yuuri didn't know how he could possibly answer that, or if he even wanted to. He'd taught himself to keep his distance from everyone, that no one would ever tolerate him or his weakness. Victor, even injured, was bright and shining, and he'd never be interested in the real Yuuri. Tension coursing through his limbs, he opened the door and said over his shoulder, “I have firewood to cut. I’m just outside. Call me if you need anything!”

 

He didn't give Victor a chance to answer before shutting the door behind him and going to grab his axe.

 

Some time later Yuuri barely noticed the cold or the setting sun, his muscles burning after he'd cut enough wood to get him through the winter. He'd paid close attention for any sound coming from the cabin, ashamed that he'd left Victor alone so abruptly, but he had to get out of there before he started digging himself in too deep. 

 

His head was pounding and his stomach was growling with hunger. He wiped his forehead and decided he had to go back inside sooner or later if he wanted to eat.

 

Snowflakes started to fall slowly, drawing Yuuri's gaze up into the sky. He stared at the flakes, everything around him seeming to come to a stop as he realized that another year had passed.

 

More would come and go, but Yuuri would remain here, alone and away from any more heartbreak.

 

He didn't want to admit that it was a frightening prospect. That part of him would just prefer to...give up and find a way to end his failure of a life. 

 

All of those thoughts swam in a frenzy in his head, all while he stood still in the snow.

 

“Yuuri!” he heard Victor call from inside the cabin, pulling him away from his thoughts.

 

Alarmed, Yuuri quickly made his way back inside, nearly crashing into Victor as he stood near the door. He briefly took notice of the look of relief on the man's face and asked, “Is anything wrong? Are you in pain?”

 

“No, I just wanted to make sure you came back inside before it got colder. I was worried.”

 

He said it so simply but it hit Yuuri like a hammer. People had been interested in him as a mysterious person who appeared and disappeared whenever he wanted to, but he didn't think anyone had actually expressed worry for him in five years. “Oh. Th-thank you,” he managed to say, wryly thinking that it was a little amusing how a patient was worrying about the person healing them. “I’ll make us dinner now.”

 

They sat across from each other, both of them eating voraciously (though Yuuri managed to keep himself from shoveling his food into his mouth, unlike Victor). The silver-haired man let out a pleased hum and said as his gaze glowed, “Handsome  _and_  a good cook. How don’t you have forty lovers knocking down your door now?”

 

Yuuri prided himself on not choking on his meat. He swallowed and looked away, suddenly not very hungry. “…I couldn’t say.”

 

* * *

 

_This time I finally need a light, a light_

_Tired of seeing in black and white, white…_

 

* * *

 

Yuuri survived, somehow.  

 

Even the shock of watching Victor heal at inhuman speeds in the few weeks he'd spent in Yuuri's cabin didn't kill him, but it did feel like his heart was about to leave his body when he saw that the arm was...healed.

 

Victor had given him smug smiles every time Yuuri changed his bandages, watching the disbelief on his face. Humans just...didn't heal like this, and now Victor was rolling his shoulder with ease, testing it out while Yuuri watched in complete shock, waiting for any sign of pain.

 

“This isn’t possible,” he murmured.

 

“I told you! Changers are fast healers,” Victor exclaimed, beaming at him victoriously. "Still don't believe me, Yuuri?"

 

...Alright, so maybe Victor had been telling the truth. Yuuri didn’t want to admit that there’d been a part of him that wanted to believe every fantastic thing Victor had said about what he was, but he had to be a realist. But this healing...

 

Maybe if he saw Victor transform it would really settle into his head, but Yuuri didn't want to ask that of him. The healing though...

 

“You already tested everything out, and I told you I’d still be careful. Will you please let me help out here a little more?”

  

Yuuri looked up at Victor in surprise. While recovering, Victor had insisted he would not sit idly by while Yuuri took care of everything in the cabin, volunteering to help in the everyday chores that Yuuri had to take care of himself. While he'd appreciate having the help during the winter, Yuuri still felt that he had to refuse. “…I cope just fine by myself, Victor. It’s not necessary for you to—”

 

Victor immediately took Yuuri's hands in his and interrupted, “I don’t want to just laze around, Yuuri. You saved my life, and I’ve grown to care for you.” His gaze locked on to Yuuri's, who was much too aware of the smoothness of Victor's hands as they held his. “I’ll do anything you ask. Trust me.”

 

 _Anything you ask_.

 

Yuuri's face was on fire and he prayed Victor would think it was because he was so flustered by the offer. He swallowed and tried to get away from Victor's earnest gaze, but he honestly couldn't look anywhere else. He'd discovered that looking away was a little hard, and sometimes he just didn't want to. “A-alright…”

 

Victor smiled brightly as he gave Yuuri's hands a squeeze before letting him go. Crossing his arms he leaned in close to Yuuri, who felt his eyes widen as that incredible face neared his. “So now do you believe me when I tell you Changers are real?” Victor asked again with a sweet yet very challenging smile.

 

Right. That. All evidence did suggest that Victor certainly was something more than human, but changing his shape? Maybe it was true, but... “I'm still working on that one,” he said, managing to tear his gaze away from Victor's.

 

“ _Yuuriii,_ ” Victor whined, the sound of it making Yuuri smile. He sounded so petulant, a far cry from the supernatural being he claimed to be. Pouting, he asked with a trickle of hope in his voice, “…Do you think I might be able to Change safely?”

 

He was really eager to prove himself, wasn't he? Reluctantly, Yuuri was starting to pay attention to the childish part of him that wanted to see if at least some of the stories he'd grown up hearing were true. “...I wouldn’t know until I see it happen and check on your arm.”

 

Victor nodded once and determinedly said, “Alright. Let’s go outside!”

 

He started tugging a shocked Yuuri out the door, face bright with excitement. “Wha—Victor!”

 

“Come on!”

 

He hurriedly grabbed Yuuri's cloak and tossed it on him before opening the door and running out into the snow. Yuuri drew his cloak tight around himself as a barrier against the cold, the hearing the snow crunch beneath his boots. He stared after Victor, his silver hair trailing behind him as he darted away, staying close enough for Yuuri to see him with no problem. “What are you doing?” he called, a little jealous and irritated when he realized that Victor wasn't even shivering.

 

Victor spun around gracefully to face him, beaming from ear to ear in absolute triumph. “I’m going to fly.”

 

Yuuri sighed, his breath a cloud in the chilly air. He kept his eyes on Victor, curious despite the sliver of doubt wedged in him. So much had happened that he supposed Victor was telling the truth, but a person being able to change their shape sounded too extraordinary to be real. It wasn't fair to Victor, who seemed so eager for Yuuri to believe him, but Yuuri needed to see this to believe it.

 

When it did happen, Yuuri had to wonder if he hadn't completely missed something.

 

Without another word, Victor's form instantly morphed into a considerably smaller shape, making Yuuri gasp sharply as a pair of wings burst out of the shape, which gained the very distinct shape of a bird. It shot up into the air, wings flapping audibly as Yuuri watched what used to be Victor soar through the air, a joyful song echoing in his ears. His mouth was agape with disbelief, his cloak slipping to the ground and lying forgotten as his heart raced. 

 

It was incredible. It was beautiful. It was...a little frightening, but Yuuri couldn't tear his eyes away, trying to keep sight of Victor's blurry form as he soared in joyful arcs, letting out ecstatic screeches that sounded like the real thing.

 

...They were the real thing.

 

Yuuri was really watching Victor fly. He wasn't dreaming at all.

 

It seemed that many minutes passed before Victor finally landed in front of him, and Yuuri could see the dark gray color that overtook the silver coloration of the rest of his body, darker flecks covering his belly.

 

Yuuri couldn't say a word, and he jumped in surprise when the falcon suddenly morphed back into the familiar shape of a man, and Victor was standing right in front of him again, his head tossed back in joyful laughter. “ _Gods!_ That felt amazing, Yuuri! My shoulder’s a little sore, but it doesn’t  _hurt_  the way it—” He stopped when he caught sight of the shock on Yuuri's face and gave him a smug grin. “Surprised you, didn’t I?”

 

Victor was actually speaking to him, after all that. Yuuri blinked at him several times, thinking in the back of his mind that he must have resembled a fish. “I…you… _That just happened._ ”

 

Walking towards him and bending down to pick up Yuuri's discarded cloak, Victor brushed the snow off of it and threw it back over Yuuri's shoulders. “It did,” he said, still smiling. 

 

Yuuri's eyes fell on Victor's now-healed arm, remembering how he'd found him, an arrow through his arm and his shoulder dislocated. “…You…You actually got shot out of the sky.” He'd fallen that far, from that height, unfortunate enough to have a hunter's arrow hit him.

 

He didn't want to imagine what would've happened if that hunter had found him with that arrow in his arm.

 

“I did,” Victor said quietly, his hands on Yuuri's shoulders and a grateful smile on his face. “And I just got back up there, thanks to you.”

 

He had. He really had. Yuuri had just witnessed something truly remarkable, and he didn't have the words to describe  _how_  he felt. He noticed snowflakes melting on Victor's hot skin, and he found his voice to say, “It’s snowing again.”

 

Victor looked up and his eyes widened in surprise. “Yes it is.”

 

Hours later they finished cleaning up after dinner, Yuuri not realizing that he was still smiling.

 

Victor had answered what burning questions he still had once they were back inside, and Yuuri had almost ignored his dinner completely in favor of listening to Victor describe just what life as a Changer was like now that he wasn't listening to him through skeptical ears. He smiled as he listened, fascinated and excited for the first time in years.

 

It was an intoxicating feeling, knowing just what kind of wonder he had in his cabin. His eyes kept darting to Victor as he repaired a tear in one of his shirts late that night, in danger of pricking his fingers in his distraction, as if the man would disappear like the magical being he was. 

 

He noticed that Victor was staring out the window, an uncharacteristically somber look on his face as he watched the snow continue to fall outside. Yuuri was already thinking that he and Victor should get to work clearing the snow around the cabin when he caught sight of the man sigh heavily and clutch his just-healed arm.

 

Yuuri immediately stood and, without thinking, made his way to Victor's side to gently touch his good shoulder. Maybe he'd Changed  _too_ soon. “Are you alright? Does it still hurt after all?”

 

Victor looked at him in mild surprise, eyes darting to Yuuri's hand on his shoulder, and gave him a reassuring smile before turning to gaze outside again. “No, I’m just thinking about how...how lucky I am.”

 

He  _was_  lucky. If that arrow had hit him another inch to the right, Victor would probably be dead. “The Gods favor you, it seems,” Yuuri said, realizing then that he was still touching Victor. He drew his hand away, face turning red.

 

Victor sighed and rubbed at his temple, blinking rapidly and looking like he wanted to say something. Then he went to sit on the edge of Yuuri's bed, head bowed and making a silver curtain of his hair around him. “…My parents were as…adventurous as I am," he began softly. "Reckless and romantic. Both of them only chose being able to turn into deer.” A soft laugh escaped him and he added, “I first turned into a wolf when I was eight, and right after I went back home and promised I would never try to eat them.”

 

Yuuri laughed softly too, a little amused at the thought of a little Victor making such a solemn promise to his parents. 

 

He went on, the smile fading from his face, “They were with my mentor, Yakov. He Changes into an owl. It was after my brother Yuri was born. He was…five months old. I was twelve and I was meant to be looking after him back home.”

 

A familiar sense of dread settled in the pit of Yuuri's stomach and he sat down at the table, his eyes on Victor as he watched those blue eyes fill with tears. Victor brushed the tears away and said, “…A wolf pack found them. Real wolves…They never stood a chance.”

 

Yuuri closed his eyes, not wanting to imagine Victor experiencing such a horrifying loss. “That’s awful…”

 

There was silence, Yuuri hearing Victor sniffle and take shaky breaths, and he looked up to find him toying with the ends of his hair. “Yakov took my brother and I in, and…I wished I’d never learned how to Change into a wolf. It was so complicated and I was so angry...I loved being a wolf as much as I love flying, but I…I felt so guilty whenever I ran as a wolf. It felt good...but I hated myself afterward.”

 

He was twelve. Twelve years old and he  _hated_  himself for a tragedy that he had no hand in? It was unfair, it was so unfair to the man who had soared so joyfully just hours before. From what Yuuri began to understand after talking to Victor, choosing an animal form wasn't quite simple. You weren't just choosing another shape, you were choosing something that became an integral part of who you were.

 

Yuuri tried to think of what he could say, not wanting to stumble over words Victor had probably heard many times...Or maybe he'd never heard them. “…What happened to your parents wasn’t your fault, Victor. It was…a horrible tragedy, and you were just a child. You don’t have to feel guilty for being what you are.”

 

Victor still didn't look up, looking more miserable than when Yuuri first brought him here, bleeding and in pain. “It’s still difficult. Sometimes I think my brother Yuri and I would get along better if I just learned how to Change into a cat instead, like he did. But I’m a little too old now, and set in my ways.”

 

'Too old', he said, when he was only four years older than Yuuri. He went on, “When that arrow hit me and I just…fell forever, I thought it was all over all because I wasn’t careful. I hadn’t listened to Yakov. I wasn’t going to see my little brother again. I wasn't going to have another chance to run or fly...” Victor then looked up at Yuuri, eyes filled with something Yuuri couldn't identify. “Then I opened my eyes and there you were, Yuuri.”

 

He smiled at Yuuri tenderly, making his heart give a loud thud that made his chest ache. Getting up, Yuuri quickly said with a shaky and too-bright voice, “It’s getting late! We should get some rest!” He avoided Victor's confused look as he started unrolling his sleeping roll on the floor again.

 

“I’m all better now! You can sleep here on your bed!”

 

Yuuri shook his head and insisted, “You’re still my guest. The least I can do is make sure you’re comfortable."

 

Victor didn't say anything for a long moment, and then Yuuri heard him laugh in gentle amusement. "You are very stubborn, Yuuri."

 

Yes. He was. 

 

Stubborn enough to think that everything would be fine when he noticed the drop in temperature, even with Victor's heat-prone skin a few feet away. He'd banked a decent fire, and he'd slept through worse.

 

...Alright, he'd  _shivered_  through worse, wide-awake and wrapped in his blanket  _in his bed_  while the cold raged outside. Yuuri got as comfortable as he could, exhausted by the day's events and close to drifting off to sleep.

 

It seemed only minutes later that he felt someone shaking him awake, the sleepy fog in his mind briefly disturbed by a sharp cold that had him shivering violently.

 

“Yuuri…Yuuri, wake up.”

 

That voice was familiar. Groaning softly and wrapping his arms around himself, Yuuri weakly asked, “…V-Vic…tor…?” He could barely hear the faint sounds of a storm raging outside, the wind howling distantly. His eyelids felt like lead, but he felt his way towards the wonderful warmth that was so very close.

 

He heard Victor's voice again, frantic and worried. “The fire started to go out, but I got to it in time. Gods, you’re freezing.” Strong arms gathered him up, and Yuuri relaxed into that strong chest with a blissful sigh. He shivered, though not from cold, when long fingers threaded through his hair. “Don’t go back to sleep yet, Yuuri,” he heard Victor beg.

 

“You’re so warm,” he slurred without thinking, willing himself to sink into the heat of Victor's body. “...Why...why is it so cold?”

 

“I told you the fire was going out. Let me add another log.”

 

“Don’t…Don’t leave,” he entreated as loud as he could, trembling hard as he felt himself drifting away from consciousness.

 

That hand stroked his face again, gentle and so welcome. Yuuri felt his skin tingle in its wake. “I’m not going anywhere, Yuurichka.”

 

What was that Victor called him?

 

He had no time to think about it too much before he sank back into sleep again.

 

All Yuuri knew was that he felt warm and safe.

 

When he next woke up again, Yuuri felt almost feverish. It was as hot as if it were high summer, and Yuuri twisted in discomfort, groaning softly and turning around in an effort to get to the cooler side of his bed. 

 

He didn't wonder  _why_  he was in his bed in the first place. All he concerned himself with was getting away from this heat.

 

In the end he didn't.

 

Yuuri's face and body met with something very warm and...furry.

 

The sensation tickled and had Yuuri wrinkling his nose and whining in confusion. 

 

The big furry shape whined too.

 

His eyes shot open, and his heart thundered painfully when he realized that he was in his bed and he wasn't alone.

 

A soft little whimper made its way up Yuuri's throat as he looked at the thing next to him.

 

Gray fur. Long and massive body. He followed the line of terrifying muscles up to the neck, the ears, the...

 

_There was a wolf lying next to him._

 

Yuuri screamed, rapidly edging away from the wolf and screaming louder when he realized the wall was blocking his escape. The wolf startled awake with a yelp, and Yuuri raised his arms to shield himself as he kept screaming in terror, sure that his life was about to meet a painful, bloody end.

 

He hunched down in a tight ball, face pressed against the mattress as his screams died away and he panted fearfully, eyes shut and hands covering his head as he trembled and prayed for a quick end.

 

He didn't hear any growls.

 

Just soft, pained whimpers.

 

Still shaking, Yuuri slowly raised his head, his eyes wide as he looked at the wolf he fully expected to have torn him to pieces by now.

 

The wolf sat on its haunches on the floor just a few feat away, ears flat against its head as it whined plaintively. 

 

Yuuri, wrapping his blanket around himself, slowly straightened and stared at the wolf, taking in its massive size and the way its tail lay flat on the floor, as if in dejection.

 

Then he looked at the wolf's eyes and they were a  _very_  familiar blue. 

 

Everything that had occurred the day before came back to Yuuri in a rush, and he stammered out, "...V-Victor?"

 

The wolf gave another tiny whine before it suddenly morphed into the shape of a man, and then Victor knelt in its place. Yuuri exhaled shakily, chest aching with the force of his heartbeats as he looked at Victor's familiar form in a mixture of relief and fear.

 

He was a wolf. He'd told Yuuri so many times that he could Change into a wolf. This was worlds different from seeing him Change into a falcon, and Yuuri hadn't even been  _prepared_ \--

 

“I’m so sorry, Yuuri!" Victor suddenly exclaimed in a pained voice, making Yuuri jump. "I was trying to warm you up. I meant to Change back before you woke up, but I fell asleep!” He got to his feet, horror on his face when Yuuri flinched, and he slowly brought a hand up. “Please don’t be afraid. I won’t ever hurt you.”

 

He took a single step towards Yuuri, who felt like he couldn't breathe. He shouted, “ _Don’t!”_  

 

That horrible, cold, painful, and terribly familiar sensation started making its way into his chest, crawling through his guts icily.  _No. No no no no no not now please not now._

 

Victor was right there, watching him struggle to breathe, cornered like an animal.

 

_He's not going to hurt me he's not oh gods why is he looking at me look away please please look away don't look_

 

For weeks he was fine, better than he had been in a long time, and he was foolishly thinking he'd never worry about Victor seeing him for the weakling he was, unable to function because he was so terrified of his past surfacing, of getting hurt if he got close to anyone. Yuuri should've known it was only a matter of time before Victor...

 

The man's voice cut through the terror. “There’s no wolf here, Yuuri. You're safe. It’s just me!”

 

Yes. It was just Victor. 

 

He had so many chances to kill Yuuri, and no one would know. No one would care. 

 

But Yuuri was still in one piece.

 

He grabbed hold of that thought in desperation. Victor was standing in front of him. They were alone but Yuuri was fine. Yuuri wasn't hurt, he was sitting here  _trying_  to breathe not because a wolf's jaws were clamped over his throat, but because of his own panic.

 

He told himself over and over to breathe.

 

So he did.

 

He stopped shivering and raised his gaze, holding on to the sight of Victor standing there, Yuuri's fear reflected on his face. He swallowed visibly and asked quietly, “Do you want me to leave, Yuuri?”

 

Yuuri shook his head. This wasn't Victor's fault. The night was cold, and Victor was obviously trying to help, keeping him warm. “…N-no,” he managed to say, suddenly ashamed of his cowardly display. He tore his gaze away from Victor, wishing he could make himself disappear. “I’m sorry I yelled. I just—”

 

“You don’t need to apologize to me, Yuuri," Victor said, guiltily looking at the floor. "I’m the idiot who fell asleep and let you wake up with a  _wolf_  lying next to you. I’m so sorry I frightened you.”

 

It hurt badly to hear him like that, so Yuuri quickly told him in a shaky voice, “…It’s okay…I-I forgive you. Thank you for…for helping me.” After all that was what Victor had tried to do, and how did Yuuri repay him? With screams of terror.

 

He was terrible. 

 

Victor's smile didn't reach his eyes, and Yuuri felt a hundred times worse. “It’s the least I could do, Yuurichka,” he said, kind and understanding.

 

That morning Victor braided his own hair.

 

That morning they ate in silence.

 

Yuuri had grown used to Victor's merry nature in the mornings, though he foolishly hadn't appreciated it much himself. Now it was too quiet. 

 

He might as well have been alone again, seeing how withdrawn Victor was.

 

He was well-past being afraid of Victor, ashamed that he'd inadvertently added to the man's guilt over the form he'd chosen as a child, the one that was most a part of him and that he'd been ashamed of for a long time.

 

Victor kept avoiding his gaze, and Yuuri was terrified that the next thing he'd hear out of Victor's mouth was him asking if he wanted him to leave. 

 

Instead Yuuri began filling the silence by asking him to help him clear the mounds of snow that had gathered outside. Victor went with him without a word.

 

It was heavy work, and it kept them both busy, but the silence was still incredibly noticeable and it was starting to make Yuuri's head ache. They were both miserable and Yuuri knew his earlier apology wasn't enough.

 

He stuck his shovel in the snow and walked towards Victor, boldly touching his shoulder just as he was tossing a pile of snow away and turning him around to face him. Yuuri prayed he didn't blush or stammer and said, “I’m sorry for…for getting so frightened this morning. That wasn't fair to you.”

 

Victor's shoulders drooped and he gave Yuuri a sad look, “Yuuri—”

 

“No," Yuuri interrupted, looking into Victor's eyes and, for the first time, reaching out to take his hand in his. "I told you that you shouldn’t feel guilty about what you Change into, and I ended up making you feel guilty anyway. You didn’t hurt me, I just overreacted.”

 

Shaking his head, Victor replied insistently, “It was not an overreaction! It was a perfectly natural response to—”

 

“ _My point is_  that…I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide what you are for my sake.” He didn't want those heavy silences, or the lost look in Victor's eyes. He didn't want to be the cause of that look. He let Victor go and looked at the ground, gaze heavy with guilt. “I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to.”

 

Fingers gently stroked the space beneath his chin, drawing his gaze up slowly to Victor's. Yuuri didn't dare breathe as those blue eyes seemed to look right through him, and Victor said in a soft voice, “…What you said last night...that’s the first time anyone’s ever said anything like that to me.”

 

Yuuri ducked his head a little, away from Victor's powerful eyes. To his joy he heard Victor's soft chuckle and felt his thumb playfully brush across his chin before he let him go.

 

With Victor's smile back and Yuuri's heart feeling a little lighter, the work ahead of them was suddenly easier. 

 

They got through their day, Yuuri needing to get used to the changes in their routine. He didn't have to change bandages, wash or braid hair, or make any pain-relieving tea (in all honesty he hadn't been giving Victor that much in the last few days, since he wasn't experiencing many of the usual aches other humans experienced when exercising an injured limb. Daily chores were finished much quicker, though Yuuri still handled his medicines and ingredients by himself.

 

Once night fell, however, another little problem presented itself.

 

"It's your bed, Yuuri. I insist you sleep in it," Victor said, stubbornly staring Yuuri down.

 

Yuuri rubbed his neck in mild irritation, refusing to give in and not have to sleep on the floor again. "And I insist that you stop insisting. You may not be my patient anymore, but you  _are_  my guest, so courtesy demands that I make sure you're comfortable."

 

Victor rolled his eyes at him. "For goodness' sake, Yuuri, I'm not a delicate flower. I can sleep on a floor! I feel terrible leaving you to sleep on the floor now that I'm well again."

 

"And I'll feel even worse," Yuuri replied, knowing he'd feel incredibly ashamed if he lay in his comfortable bed while Victor slept on his simple bedroll. "Please, Victor. Just take the bed. I'm completely fine on the floor."

 

He was about to make his way to the bedroll when Victor said with finality, "No." 

 

Yuuri sighed, annoyed, and turned to glare at Victor right before the man marched right past him and gracefully lowered himself onto the bedroll, staring at Yuuri defiantly as he sat cross-legged. 

 

"Are you  _kidding me?!_ " Yuuri exclaimed, thoroughly annoyed as he stared at the  _infant_  sitting on his bedroll. "You're really that immature?"

 

"I suppose I am," Victor answered cheekily before lying down and stretching the length of his body over the bedroll, closing his eyes and smiling in supposed bliss. "Goodnight, Yuuri!"

 

Seething, Yuuri glared at Victor's apparent slumbering form. He threw his hands up with an impatient growl before stalking off towards his bed, lying down angrily and throwing the thick blanket over himself. 

 

He tensed when he noticed it smelled like Victor. Smoky sweet. 

 

To his eternal chagrin he fell asleep in moments, completely exhausted.

 

When he woke up he automatically looked around the cabin for Victor, finding him already awake and grinning at him victoriously. Yuuri groaned and hid his face in his pillow.

 

Right. It smelled like Victor too.

 

Yuuri was going to die.

 

By the next week, Yuuri had given up on letting Victor have his bed. He feared he'd gotten  _too_  used to company, his loneliness acute when Victor spent a couple of hours flying (Yuuri kept telling him to be careful and be aware of hunters), but Victor always came back, safe and sound, and with a freshly-killed rabbit most times too. Still, Yuuri was relieved when the snows would prevent Victor from flying at all, though he did feel a little guilty for it.

 

Things were changing. Yuuri was changing.

 

It was frightening, but for the most part he felt...happy.

 

And then he remembered why he was here. Why it had been so important that he remain on his own.

 

Yuuri dreaded the coming spring, but at the same time he didn't want to give Victor the chance to treat him with disdain. 

 

It was fine. He'd get used to being alone again and Victor's time with him would become a nice memory to look back at.

 

“I want to see this city of yours!”

 

Yuuri nearly dropped the bottle he was holding, surprised by Victor's sudden declaration. He had managed one quick trip during Victor's convalescence, answering what questions he had about the place. He supposed he should have expected that Victor would become bored cooped up with him. “I-It’s not  _my_  city,” he said, inwardly debating whether or not it would be a good idea to take Victor along with him. People would probably ask questions about Victor, taking attention away from Yuuri, for once, and it wasn't fair to ask Victor to stay in the cabin while Yuuri went out.

 

Scratching his neck apprehensively, Yuuri remarked, “…I guess I do need to stock up on some things, and find you clothes that actually fit. And I suppose it’s starting to get a bit boring just being stuck here with me all the time.”

 

Victor knelt next to him with a soft smile. “You’re not boring, Yuuri! You’re the most interesting human I’ve ever met!”

 

“That’s probably because you don’t know a lot about me,” Yuuri said, looking away from the man's clever gaze. “And you haven’t met that many humans.”

 

“In that case…” Suddenly Victor cupped Yuuri's jaw, lifting his face. Yuuri felt a blush creep across his face, his heart pounding as he stared up into the tenderness in Victor's eyes. Entranced, he listened to Victor as he added, “You’re the most interesting  _person_  I’ve ever met.”

 

His other hand came up to cup the other side of Yuuri's face, and Yuuri could only inhale sharply under Victor's deep, beautiful gaze. His heart felt like it was close to crashing out of his chest and he noticed that Victor was very  _very_  close. Swallowing, Yuuri rapidly got to his feet and said in a much-too bright tone, "L-let's get moving, then! It's a long walk to city, so we should...go! Yes. Let's get a move on!"

 

He avoided Victor's bewildered gaze, all the while asking himself why he'd reacted that way. Well, it was a bit obvious; Victor was a...very attractive man and Yuuri was all-too aware of that after weeks of sharing a cabin with him. He was beautiful enough that he could have anyone he wanted. 

 

Yuuri held on to that sobering reminder. Victor was just grateful to him. He likely would never have looked at Yuuri twice if fate hadn't shoved them together. 

 

He tugged his boots on, aware of Victor moving about and coming closer to him. "Are you alright?" he heard him ask.

 

"Yes! Yes, I'm good!" Yuuri replied, cursing himself for being such a poor actor and for his tendency to blush at every other statement Victor made. He couldn't develop a crush  _now_. Not when he knew Victor was leaving.

 

He thanked his stars that Victor decided to drop the issue.

 

Once they were outside, Yuuri noticed that Victor wasn't walking beside him. Strange, considering how excited he'd been to head to city. Yuuri almost expected him to run ahead of him with a smile on his face. He turned around and found Victor standing a few feet away from the cabin, frowning and looking...uncertain.

 

Concerned, Yuuri walked back to him and asked, "Is...everything alright?"

 

Victor surprised him by looking away. “…It's just...”

 

“…Would you rather not go?”

 

Silent for a moment, Victor sighed and looked at Yuuri again, biting his lip before asking hopefully, “…Can I walk with you in my wolf form? I’ll change back once we get close, I promise.”

 

Guilt crept up Yuuri's back. As far as he knew, Victor hadn't Changed into his wolf form once since that disastrous morning, and Yuuri knew he was the cause. Victor still felt ashamed that he'd terrified Yuuri. He smiled at the man reassuringly, and said to him, "Of course you can. But please change back as soon as I tell you. I don’t want you getting shot again. We can’t let my work go to waste.”

 

Victor's face brightened with a wide smile, and Yuuri felt it practically devastate him. “You're right! We can’t!” His smile then faded a little as he regarded Yuuri for a moment and said in a soft, serious tone, “I promise I won’t hurt you.”

 

“I know. I trust you.” Yuuri supposed he should have said that to him a long time ago.

 

He watched as Victor walked past him, a few feet away from where he was standing, and decided he wanted to see this the way he'd seen Victor turn into a falcon. 

 

Victor kept his eyes on Yuuri, who tried to relax and not look like he wanted to bolt. 

 

Then it happened. Victor's body morphed in an instant into the massive, powerful, and dangerous body of a wolf.

 

Yuuri fought down the shudder that threatened to show itself as he stood a mere few feet away from a wolf, one of the most dangerous beasts in the world. 

 

But no, it was Victor standing there. Yuuri hadn't bothered to notice before, but the wolf's eyes were the same gorgeous blue as Victor's, and they were staring at him steadily, the way Victor's did whenever he was listening to Yuuri speak.

 

Victor whined softly, lying flat on the ground and still gazing at Yuuri. Then he understood; Victor was waiting for him to make the first move.

 

Taking a deep breath, Yuuri slowly stepped forward, his eyes catching the nervous swish of Victor's tail. He almost laughed at the idea that this giant creature was scared of  _him_. Before he knew it he was just a step away from Victor, looking down at his prone body.

 

Yuuri sank down to one knee and reached out a shaking hand to place it on top of Victor's head. He kept it there, testing them both and trying to keep his breathing under control. 

 

Victor kept absolutely still, eyes darting all over Yuuri's face, and he realized Victor was being mindful of his reactions. Yuuri let out a breathless laugh and slowly started stroking through the silvery fur, finding himself fascinated by the texture and the heat radiating from Victor's body. Victor visibly brightened and let out a soft, happy whine at Yuuri's touch, and the younger man couldn't help but caress the fur of his neck with his other hand. 

 

His heart soared when Victor closed his eyes and leaned into his touch, his tongue lolling out of his mouth as he panted excitedly.

 

Yuuri couldn't help but let out a laugh that was a mixture of relief and enjoyment. “Your fur’s beautiful,” he said, grinning wryly at the familiar smug look in those blue eyes. “Of course you’d even be vain as a wolf. That’s not really surprising, since you preen so much, and not just when you’re a bird.”

 

Victor huffed in what sounded like mock-offense before giving Yuuri's hand a brief lick and getting to his paws. He bounded around Yuuri in excitement, yipping and running a few feet ahead of Yuuri.

 

He couldn't help but look at Victor through a healer's eye, making sure he wasn't favoring his now-healed limb, but he remembered that Victor hadn't been having problems after all the times he Changed into a falcon. He'd be fine. 

 

Yuuri started leading the way away from the lonely cabin, making sure Victor fell into step beside him. 

 

The trip was unlike any Yuuri had ever experienced. There was a wolf running a ways ahead of him and he had to keep his eyes peeled for any other human they might have run into so Victor could Change back into his human form before anyone became suspicious. To Yuuri's relief they seemed to be on their own, though he was still apprehensive.

 

It was quiet, but it wasn't the lonely silence Yuuri was accustomed to. There was a strange, but familiar comfort in knowing there was someone walking with him, even if they were a wolf.

 

Yuuri liked the feeling.

 

Once they were within sight of the city, Yuuri remembered that Victor needed to become human again, or else they'd risk someone mistaking him for an actual predator. He urged Victor, “Change back. Victor, Change back!”

 

Victor quickly obeyed, and in an instant he was standing next to Yuuri in his human form, eyes and smile wide with exhilaration.

 

Yuuri sighed in relief as he looked around them, “Alright…no one saw that—”

 

Suddenly Victor pulled him into a tight hug, the warmth a rapid blast of heat to Yuuri as he fell silent in total surprise as Victor held him close. Victor's warm breath tickled his ear as he murmured, “Thank you, Yuuri.”

 

“Y-You’re welcome,” Yuuri mumbled against Victor's shoulder, wondering if it was alright to close his eyes and linger in the warm embrace. It felt good. It felt too good. With great reluctance, Yuuri slowly drew away, but couldn't keep himself from looking up at Victor. “We should get going.”

 

Victor looked a little disappointed that Yuuri had pulled away but within seconds his smile was back in place and he was excited again. “Yes, you’re right. Come on, there’s so much I want to see!” He took Yuuri by the hand and started pulling him towards the city.

 

Yuuri found himself running beside Victor, their hands clasped tightly together.

 

Once in the city Yuuri started to feel that painfully familiar sensation of suffocation as he made his way through the crowds of people bundled up in winter clothing. He kept his eyes down, feeling like everyone's eyes were on him, and let Victor's hand go.

 

“There are so many people!” Victor exclaimed, looking around in awe.

 

Yuuri sighed heavily, his heart pounding painfully as he glanced up and saw several people turn to get a look at the strange, beautiful man next to him. “Everyone’s staring…”

 

Victor looked at him in surprise, apparently oblivious to the dozens of entranced stares following him. “You don’t like attention?”

 

Narrowing his eyes, Yuuri fought the urge to tell Victor that he'd asked a stupid question. He certainly did  _not_  want any curious stares, but that didn't necessarily stop them from coming. “There’s a reason I live alone,” he replied tersely, immediately feeling guilty for it. He decided to make an effort to make this an enjoyable outing for Victor, who'd coped with being stuck in one place very well. 

 

All Yuuri had to do was convince himself that no one could see through him. He was just an unremarkable person who came and went as he pleased, rarely dealing with anyone that wasn't Christophe or Phichit. He felt more at ease thinking everyone was just staring at Victor, some of them with open lust.

 

His hand tightened around the strap of his bag. He wasn't jealous.

 

“Where do you need to go first?” Victor asked, staying close to Yuuri as his gaze darted around in curiosity.

 

“A shop I started supplying.” He led the way to the street where Christophe's shop stood, its blurry form becoming clearer the closer they got to it. “You’ll like Christophe. He and his husband Eduard are really friendly."

 

 _And curious_ , he remembered with a slight wince.  _They're going to ask so many questions..._

 

“Are they friends of yours?” Victor asked, eyes bright at the prospect of meeting new people.

 

Yuuri bit his lip. They were certainly the closest thing he had to friends, besides Phichit. “You could say that. They’ve been very kind to me since I first arrived five years ago.”

 

Then Victor touched his shoulder, stopping them in place as he looked at Yuuri in disbelief. “You’ve been alone in that cabin for five years?”

 

Victor's shocked tone touched something deep in Yuuri, stirring his fear, guilt, and loneliness in a way that made him uncomfortable. “Yes, I have,” he answered quietly, drawing away from Victor's touch and making his way to Christophe's shop.

 

_I chose this. I chose this._

 

He walked into the warmth of the shop, and smiled in greeting when Christophe looked up from behind the counter. The man beamed at the sight of him. “Yuuri! We missed you!” Then his gaze landed on Victor, who stood behind Yuuri, and his smile widened much further. “And you brought a friend as well! A very  _handsome_  friend.”

 

Yuuri inwardly insisted he wasn't jealous. Christophe was just being his usual flirtatious self. “Hello, Christophe," he greeted, placing his bag on the counter and taking out the freshly-filled jars, everything made while Victor watched in avid curiosity. "This is Victor, a patient of mine. Or at least he was.”

 

Victor, waving enthusiastically, said to Christophe, “I’m so happy to meet a friend of Yuuri’s at last!”

 

Gaze momentarily darting to Yuuri, Christophe leaned on the counter engagingly, his attention on Victor. “At last? Just how long have you been with our mysterious friend here?”

 

Yuuri blushed, dreading the inevitable line of questioning, and was too late to stop Victor from immediately replying, “Since winter began! I was lying injured in the forest and he just happened to find me.” Then he wrapped an arm around Yuuri, who froze and felt his face grow redder as Victor squeezed him affectionately. “I’ve had his wonderful attentions all to myself for weeks!”

 

Christophe pressed a hand to his chest, eyes sparkling with glee. “Ah! That’s so romantic! You just keep surprising me, Yuuri! Now, dear Victor, please tell me everything you’ve learned about him so we can compare notes!”

 

No. Yuuri needed to stop this before it went further. He grasped at the first thing that came to mind and loudly interrupted, “ _So_  Christophe! How’s Eduard? Is he here?”

 

At the mention of his husband, Christophe gave a worried little hum. “He’s getting over a nasty cough, I'm afraid. Your medicine, paired with my tender loving care, is doing wonders for him! We are in your debt, dear friend.”

 

Yuuri felt a slight surge of concern, but at least Eduard was on the mend. “I’m glad he’s alright. I brought you the usual.”

 

At that, Christophe's fluffy cat leaped onto the counter, and Victor cooed with delight as he gave her head a few gentle strokes. “How cute! She reminds me of Yuri.”

 

Christophe's eyebrows flew up with surprise and his gaze darted between Yuuri and the cat. “Does she really?”

 

“Uh, he means his…his cat back in his home village. We have the same name.” It wasn't a total lie. Victor did mention his brother Changed into a cat. Even so, Victor gave him a wry look.

 

“That’s  _adorable!_ ” Christophe exclaimed.

 

Once they were finished Yuuri pleaded the need to get all of the shopping done, so that at least got them out of Christophe's shop, Victor waving at the man merrily while he followed Yuuri.

 

“I like Christophe! I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to meet Eduard.”

 

“I’m glad you liked him,” Yuuri said. He honestly was, because Victor certainly wasn't a loner like him. He  _had_  to be feeling stir-crazy just being around Yuuri all the time. Surely he was just being courteous when he told Yuuri he was interesting.

 

He kept thinking about it as they walked through the market, lowering his gaze when he saw Sara's eyes widen when Victor introduced himself. Sara was beautiful and vibrant, a far cry from Yuuri's unremarkable self.

 

He was a little relieved once they were finished.

 

Victor's astonished voice pulled him out of his thoughts as they walked near the open dance hall, eyes wide as he took in the group of twirling students. “Are those  _dancers_?”

 

Yuuri followed his gaze and smiled when he saw Phichit spin gracefully, every movement fluid and beautiful. “Mistress Lilia’s students. The one in the red and gold is Phichit Chulanont. He’s another friend of mine.”

 

They stood there for a few moments, watching in silence while Lilia called out firm instructions and criticisms. It all filled Yuuri with a familiar longing for Minako's hall. He heard Victor let out a wistful sigh and say, “I miss dancing.”

 

Yuuri gaped at him in surprise. This man was not real. “You dance too?!”

 

Victor replied with a soft laugh, “Of course! What did you think I did? Fly around and preen all the time?”

 

“…Yes?”

 

The silver-haired man rolled his eyes with a good-natured smirk. “Are you done with your shopping?”

 

“I think so,” Yuuri said, looking at the packages they both carried.

 

“When we get home I’m dancing for you.”

 

Yuuri almost dropped everything he was holding in his shock, his heart practically leaping out of his chest at the offer. “You’re  _what?”_  

 

“You heard me! Come on!” He grabbed Yuuri by the wrist and quickly tugged him along the streets. Yuuri blushed, feeling people's attention on them, and the fact that Victor had called the cabin "home" completely slipped his mind.

 

On the way back, Yuuri was a little surprised Victor didn't turn into a wolf just so he could speed back to the cabin a little faster, but of course Yuuri would never be able to keep up, or help carry the shopping. Still, Victor moved quick, much so that Yuuri started feeling a little out of breath halfway there.

 

Once back in the cabin Victor put everything he was carrying on the table, making Yuuri wince at the haphazardness before tugging him back outside with an excited smile. There was a thin layer of snow and the cold was bearable in his cloak, but he was still shaky with nerves.

 

“Have you ever danced before?” Victor asked, his hands clasping Yuuri's while the younger man stared, red faced and apprehensive.

 

Yuuri stared into those vibrant eyes, practically aglow with excitement, and he knew, just knew he'd be a disappointment. “I used to…I took lessons when I was younger.”

 

“Then partner with me,” Victor offered, his smile dazzling and nearly knocking Yuuri off his feet before he let his hands go, darting a few feet away. Yuuri watched as Victor paused for a moment, closing his eyes and slowly lifting an arm up into the air, keeping his wrist fluid as he turned his palm up towards the sky. “Do you know this one?” he asked softly, still smiling as he began to move in slow, graceful movements.

 

The steps were so familiar they ached. Yuuri knew that dance well, losing himself in it for years in his adolescence. “…I do,” he replied. He knew he shouldn't indulge himself. The Yuuri that danced without a single worry in his mind was gone. Yuuri was a simple, unremarkable man now, better off left alone and not remembering the days when he was...happy.

 

But he was weak, and gave in to the need to match Victor's beautiful movements. It was a dance that required a partner, after all. “Don’t we need music, though?” he asked, taking his place near Victor and slowly moving with uncertainty. A decade ago he wouldn't have needed music, delighting in dancing to imagined tunes.

 

“Create the music with your body,” Victor said, still swaying as he kept his vivid eyes on Yuuri, waiting for him to move.

 

Yuuri kept his eyes down as he moved, hesitating as his muscles stumbled over his memories of the steps. Minako pushed him much harder than anyone else in the class, and he ended those days with an ache that made him feel accomplished and powerful. He could feel like, maybe, he was almost as beautiful as someone like Victor.

 

He closed his eyes, recalling the music that would float in the air, plucked from a shamisen, beaten on a drum, slithering from a flute. 

 

He felt stiff for a bit, not used to such broad, lofty movements after years of taking up as little space as possible, making himself invisible. And now here he was, doing the oposite.

 

And yet...Yuuri could feel his heart become a little lighter, caught between the bleak loneliness of his present and the joy of his childhood. He could feel tears prickle the corners of his eyes as he ached to reach for that happiness, that safety, all of the love in his life.

 

Love that he'd turned his back on. 

 

He was in the ending position, the music in his mind coming to its somber stop, and he remembered what the dance was about; new beginnings. A dance for spring.

 

Yuuri dropped his arms and opened his eyes, noticing with a start that Victor wasn't dancing. The silver-haired man was staring at him with an expression of awe, eyes filled with astonishment. 

 

His heart raced like a hunted rabbit, and he realized just how much he enjoyed Victor looking at him that way.

 

His stomach dropped at the thought.  _Oh no._

 

_Don't do this to yourself, Yuuri._

 

But he knew it was already too late. Perhaps it was too late after that day when he'd woken up to find a wolf in his bed. Whatever the case was, Yuuri knew he had just committed himself to experiencing yet another heartbreak.

 

He just never learned.

 

Victor beamed as he clapped, exclaiming, “That was exquisite, Yuuri! You keep surprising me! You really  _do_  make music with your body!”

 

Yuuri could sense how the man was close to embracing him. He wanted it to happen. He wanted Victor to hold him, to keep looking at him like he was the only other person in the world. But he stepped back, reminding himself of the undeserving creature he was, and said in a resigned tone, “I’m just a healer. A medicine man. Dancing is…something I haven’t really thought about in a very long time.”

 

He willed his tears away, once again saying goodbye to his heart's desire, and went back inside. Victor followed him in.

 

* * *

 

_When I’m losing my control, the city spins around_

_You’re the only one who knows, you slow it down…_

 

* * *

 

As the days passed, Yuuri realized just how terrible he was at letting things go.

 

Moving on from Yuuko hadn't been easy, but he'd managed it somehow, likely because she wasn't in his presence all the time.

 

Victor, in all his beauty and vibrancy, was very present, and Yuuri found himself spellbound every single day.

 

This was dangerous.

 

He couldn't have feelings for Victor. For  _anyone_. 

 

Watching him leave would already be hard enough. Yuuri hadn't wanted to admit it, but...he  _liked_  having Victor around. He liked it too much. He liked waking up and finding someone else in the cabin, even if Victor tended to be disgustingly energetic in the early mornings. He liked sharing meals with the man, walking with him whether or not he was in his human or wolf form, and hearing his stories about his little brother and their guardian.

 

Once spring arrived Yuuri would have to learn how to go on without that all over again. At least Victor would leave and Yuuri could nurse what heartbreak came, eventually looking back on Victor's arrival as a pleasant memory.

 

He had to remember that he was better off alone, and so he'd be alone for the rest of his life. He would die one day, he knew that. How and when were the mysteries. 

 

Dying alone was...a suddenly terrifying thought.

 

No one would care when he was gone, and perhaps he'd be left to rot without the proper rituals to see him off. 

 

Then again he didn't deserve those prayers. 

 

As for his body, maybe one day the gods would be merciful enough to send a wild animal to tear him apart. Or he'd one day be so old and weak he'd freeze to death in the forest.

 

In any case Yuuri would be forgotten.

 

That should have been a comfort.

 

It was much too easy to picture life going on without him.

 

Maybe Christophe and Eduard would miss him. Maybe Sara would wonder why he wasn't coming to the market anymore. Phichit may wonder where he was.

 

But they'd move on.

 

Victor surely would. He'd find some other  _fascinating_  person to catch his interest. Yuuri's chest ached at the sudden, unwelcome thought of Victor forgetting him once he found whoever it was that would fit him perfectly. Phichit or maybe Sara, with all their charm and beauty. Or someone who waited for him in his village. 

 

Victor would forget about him, but Yuuri would remember. He always remembered.

 

His thoughts sank into that dark mire as he slowly dried his hair, staring at the floor underneath his feet as he sat alone at the edge of his bed.

 

Victor wasn't with him. He was running as a wolf, freer than Yuuri would ever feel, and certainly braver. 

 

Of course Victor's "bravery" had nearly gotten him killed once. Yuuri still didn't want to think of what might have happened if that hunter had thought to look for his fallen prey.

 

Even so, the anxieties persisted as Yuuri sat alone with only his thoughts for company.

 

He had planned their dinner already, not even thinking twice about Victor being around to enjoy it with him. He was an idiot. What guarantee did he have that Victor would even decide to come back? Maybe he'd decide that the storms had eased and he'd be able to go back to his village. 

 

He was probably already gone, and Yuuri was sitting here like a fool waiting for him to come back. Of course there was never any guarantee Victor would stay with him until spring. He'd probably gone to the village to see who caught his eye, spending the winter with someone more worthwhile than Yuuri ever could be.

 

He should have known. He  _really_  should have known from the moment he started to open himself up to Victor: good things never last. Hadn't he learned his lesson when Yuuko saw him at his weakest?

 

His peaceful life on his own certainly didn't last, and now after Victor it would never be the same. 

 

Yuuri didn't want to admit it, but he realized there would be a void in his life once Victor disappeared, deeper than the one that appeared after he ran away from his village. 

 

Solitude was suddenly a terrifying prospect.

 

His throat began to tighten and he couldn't catch his breath, tossing the cloth he'd been drying his hair with away, feeling like it was suffocating him. 

 

It didn't help.

 

_Oh no, no no no no no_

 

Years ago he'd confirmed one very obvious downside to being alone.

 

When he had these attacks, it honestly felt like he was going to die a very drawn-out death.

 

Struggling to breathe, Yuuri ran shaking hands across his still-wet hair, getting to his feet and regretting the hasty movement when his head spun. He needed air, he was so cold but he needed the icy air to open his lungs up again.

 

He shoved the door open, bursting out in only his trousers and barely realizing it when a blast of cold mercilessly wrapped itself around his body.

 

Not smart. Not smart at all. His mother would've scolded him to no end for acting so foolishly. 

 

But the sanctuary he'd made for himself was starting to feel like a prison.

 

And he'd made it himself.

 

It was cold, so horribly cold, but Yuuri, deep inside, didn't want to go back into the cabin. There was nothing for him in there, but he was certain he had nothing else in the world. He was stuck in-between, not knowing where he could go or what he could do.

 

Still Yuuri breathed raggedly, standing in the cold of the late afternoon while his mind raced for answers he couldn't or didn't want to find. How could he go home when he'd broken so many people's hearts? When he couldn't know when and where he'd begin to feel like this again?

 

But he couldn't stand to be alone again. He couldn't go back to the way he was.

 

All because of Victor.

 

And now he was going to die standing in the cold, unable to breathe or move or think.

 

Alone.

 

Maybe it was for the best.

 

Dazed with his tumultuous thoughts and the bitter cold, Yuuri shakily fell to his knees in the soft snow, mind burrowing somewhere far off, briefly recalling that freezing to death was supposed to be relatively painless. He'd just drift away, his heart slowing to a stop as the snow piled up on top of him. 

 

He heard hurried breaths, and Yuuri wondered if they were his own. 

 

Rapid crunching of snow.

 

Who was...

 

No, it couldn't be.

 

The sweet, smoky scent that had usually had his heart racing wrapped around him, along with heat that made him shiver with unconscious gratitude. He raised his gaze to find those familiar blue eyes wide with alarm.

 

Victor's hands framed his face, his skin soaking up the warmth as he faintly heard him exclaim, “Yuuri! What are you doing!? You're going to freeze to death!”

 

Yuuri didn't reply, not knowing what he could possibly say. His mind was still far away, as if he were observing everything from a distance through a foggy glass. Even Victor's voice was somewhat muted, but his words registered as he worriedly said, "You look terrible! Are you alright?

 

The words hit, and Yuuri felt everything rushing back. He realized where he was and  _what_  he looked like. He felt as though his heart just came to a devastating stop in his chest, painful and somewhat grounding as he felt shame crawl through his veins as he took in the fact that Victor was seeing him like this.

 

It was happening all over again. Yuuri, trying to breathe deeply, weakly tried to pull away and stammered, “Y-yes! Don’t worry about me. I…”

 

He doubted Victor heard him, but there was no mistaking the worry and fear on his face.

 

Or the pity.

 

Yuuri wanted to die. 

 

He kept his face down as Victor effortlessly pulled him into his arms, and he wanted to hate himself for practically burrowing into the heat of Victor's body. "Come on, let's go back inside," he heard the man say in soothing tones.

 

He nearly drifted again between being outside and back in his cabin, finding himself sitting in front of the fire with Victor beside him, wrapping a thick blanket around his violently shivering form. Yuuri forced any whimper down, refusing to cry, but still finding it difficult to breathe. He didn't want to look at Victor's face.

 

"Your heart's beating so fast," Victor said quietly, practically holding him close as he drew the blanket up over Yuuri's head, trying to rub his hair dry. Yuuri said nothing, not trusting his voice as he continued to shake. Victor continued, "Don't worry, I'm right here. W-we'll slow your breathing down a bit."

 

It would be a miracle if they did. Yuuri didn't think he would ever breathe normally again.

 

He felt Victor's hand on his back, and wondered how long it had been there. It was warm, of course, just like the rest of the man, and rubbing slow circles on him. Then, out of nowhere, Victor stated in an attempt to sound casual, "I didn't see much prey out there today. Hopefully you weren't in the mood for rabbit. No matter how old I get, it's still disappointing to come back home without prey."

 

What was he doing? Why was he talking about his poor hunting, of all things? 

 

"I remember when my brother Yuri was eight and he wanted to catch as many birds as possible and impress everyone, but he was always so noisy. It took him a while to learn how to quiet down when he was hunting."

 

It was another grain of knowledge about Victor, one of many that Yuuri had gathered during this winter, and he held on to it just like he was holding on to Victor's voice, and the warm, calming touch on his back.

 

The first deep breath felt like heaven.

 

He exhaled, long and relieved, before taking another wonderful breath to fill his lungs and clear his head. He was still shaking, and his breaths weren't steady, but it didn't feel like death was around the corner.

 

His heartbeat was still fast, but the pounding against his chest helped draw him away from the fog, and Yuuri realized just how cold he was.

 

And he remembered the shame.

 

Still refusing to look up at Victor, Yuuri murmured in a tight voice, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to…to see that.”

 

“Yuuri, it’s alright.”

 

“No, it isn’t!” he exclaimed, finally daring to look at Victor in the eye, even if he was terrified of finding pity or annoyance. Lingering concern was etched in Victor's features, and Yuuri had to look away, mortified. “I didn’t want you to ever see that I’m…”

 

 _Weak_.

 

He didn't want to give his fear power by saying it aloud, and kept looking at the flames as he pulled his blanket tighter around himself. He gave a tiny jolt when Victor's fingers stroked his cheek, gently coaxing his gaze back to his. Sorrow flooded those blue eyes, and Victor explained, "...I may not know exactly what to do but I still care about you feeling better, Yuuri. I was frightened. I still am, but I'm just glad I got here when I did.”

 

He smiled earnestly, but Yuuri could sense the underlying pity. He felt tears sting his eyes, and he murmured bitterly, “Please don’t coddle me.”

 

“I’m not trying to,” Victor said firmly, keeping Yuuri's gaze. “I don’t think you’re weak, Yuuri. After everything you’ve done there’s no possible way I could think that.”

 

Impossible. Yuuri was just an unimpressive, fearful loner who scuttled like a mouse if someone looked at him too long. Victor saw for himself that Yuuri was not strong or remarkable. “You’re just being kind,” he said quietly, knowing in his heart that Victor's feelings would likely never go beyond that. Or pity.

 

“I’m being honest,” the silver-haired man insisted, suddenly tugging Yuuri closer and wrapping his arms around him. Yuuri blinked in confusion and surprise as Victor neatly tucked his head beneath his chin.

 

Yuuri flushed, wide-eyed and frozen in that glorious warmth.

 

"I'll get you warmed up and take care of dinner. Something to bring your strength up, maybe."

 

Victor said it in such a caring tone, and Yuuri eagerly drank it in, not knowing how much he'd been craving such care.

 

It frightened him.

 

He told himself over and over that this was not good for him. He couldn't be falling in love with Victor.

 

But he was. Oh, gods, he was.

 

Later that night, as Yuuri lay quiet in bed, it hit him hard that Victor  _hadn't_  left. He'd come back home.

 

He refused to let himself forget that one day he would walk out of Yuuri's life as quickly as he'd appeared.

 

 

* * *

 

_I long to hear your voice, but still I make the choice_

_To bury my love in the moondust..._

 

* * *

 

 

A fortnight later Yuuri woke up with a sharp gasp.

 

He clutched his blanket and blinked rapidly, his heart racing as he recalled the events of the dream with near-perfect clarity, and heat surging through his body as he guiltily realized that he was aroused.

 

Keeping his mouth shut, Yuuri looked at the spot where Victor lay. 

 

He could see the man in the dim firelight, his form a blur. He was peacefully asleep and totally undisturbed. Yuuri still felt bad that Victor insisted on sleeping on the bedroll, but that guilt was nothing compared to what he was experiencing now.

 

The dream was so incredibly real, and Yuuri blamed all of those times he'd been fortunate enough to get his hands on Victor's body and fine silver tresses. In the dream he'd been in his bed, just like he was now, only he'd lacked all manner of clothing. So did Victor.

 

Victor was a very attractive man, Yuuri would never deny that. Before, when Victor was injured and needed help, Yuuri acknowledged his nudity through a healer's eye, concentrating on helping him recover. It was very different now, because Victor moved with a natural grace that Yuuri both appreciated and envied. 

 

...So yes, it did go beyond mere appreciation at this point, and the evidence was currently found in Yuuri's (thankfully) loose trousers.

 

At least it hadn't happened earlier that day when they were both in the city again, Yuuri selling his remedies again while Victor walked around conspicuously, drawing more stares in their direction than Yuuri wanted.

 

But...there was no denying that Yuuri loved seeing the look of enthusiastic wonder on Victor's face, or the way he felt the need to point out something fascinating to Yuuri before tugging him along to take a closer look.

 

It was almost nice to see it all through Victor's eyes.

 

He pulled the blanket over his face, blushing furiously as he remembered how he and Victor were practically wrapped around each other, the man's beautiful hair a bright silver cascade, enveloping Yuuri with warmth and pleasure.

 

Those soft lips had touched his skin, hands exploring his body so thoroughly. All while he rejoiced in the glorious sensation of Victor's skin against his, touching him and pulling sounds of pleasure from between his beautiful lips.

 

Yuuri groaned to himself, praying to any god listening that he hadn't made any noise at all while he was dreaming. He would never be able to live with himself if Victor knew that he was...

 

Gods, he was hard. It was hardly the first time Yuuri had found himself in such a state, remembering some rather embarrassing and guilt-inducing dreams that involved Phichit, Sara, and once even Christophe. Sometimes he dreamt of Yuuko. It was easy enough to use his own hand after those dreams. Stroking himself to orgasm was a very tempting idea, but not while Victor was a few feet away from him. Somehow he'd know and, in all likelihood, would be disgusted with Yuuri.

 

He kept his hands where they were, trying to think of anything that would make his erection go down. He tried to not pay attention to the soft noises Victor was making in his sleep, his mind too easily turning them into another type of noise.

 

Turning on his side, away from Victor, Yuuri resigned himself to breathing as steadily as he could and focus on the sounds of the blizzard going on outside, not wanting to think about anything that could potentially remind him of Victor and his body in blissful repose.

 

Open wounds, infected wounds, broken bones poking through the skin.

 

The fact that he was so exhausted by the day's work.

 

The sheer mortification helped a bit.

 

Yuuri had no idea how much time had passed, but he breathed a sigh of relief when he finally felt his hardness subside, dissatisfaction making him feel a little shaky, but at least he might be able to stand up without embarrassing himself.

 

He glanced over his shoulder, seeing that Victor was still asleep and completely unaware that anything amiss.

 

Yuuri huffed indignantly, shutting his eyes and drawing his blanket tighter around himself.  _Stupid Victor_.

 

He didn't sleep as well as he'd hoped he would, groggier than usual in the morning while Victor was his usual chipper self, beaming and totally unaware that Yuuri had been lusting for him in his sleep. "Didn't sleep well, Yuuri?"

 

He replied with a short grunt, still unable to look Victor in the eye.  _I was too busy trying not to dream or think about you._ Impossible, especially when the object of his lustful imaginings was sitting right in front of him, completely clueless. Yuuri just focused on drinking his tea, practically scalding his tongue in his efforts not to have a repetition of last night's events.

 

Victor clicked his tongue sympathetically, the concern in his voice making life so much harder for Yuuri when he said, "I'm sorry you had such a rough night. Maybe you should take it easy today. You work so hard, after all."

 

Yuuri almost laughed. Idleness was out of the question, especially when all it did was give Yuuri too much time to think. "Well, working keeps my mind busy," he said in clipped tones.

 

"Still, you look so exhausted. More than usual, I mean."

 

Well. It was really that noticeable. Yuuri prayed lightning would just strike him where he stood.

 

"I think those shadows under your eyes are getting a little too comfortable, Yuuri."

 

No. Forget dying. He was going to kill Victor instead. 

 

Then Victor snapped his fingers and declared with a wide smile, “I have an idea! Let’s go to the festival together tomorrow night!”

 

Yuuri nearly choked on his tea, throat growing uncomfortably tight as a cold sweat started to pour over his body. “…Th-the  _what?"_

 

Victor replied, apparently unaware of how pale Yuuri had become, “The city's end of winter festival, Yuuri! I heard about it yesterday! There will be food and dancing! I’ve always wanted to see a human festival!”

 

In the back of his mind Yuuri wondered what the Changers' festivals were like if Victor thought human festivals were so different, and would have asked if he weren't more concerned with the panic beginning to flood his chest. He'd forgotten about the festivals because he never attended them. Sure, Phichit, Christophe, and Eduard told him about them, and how much he'd missed, and Sara would sometimes less-than-subtly suggest that she would have enjoyed his company during. 

 

“Please, Yuuri! Say yes!” Victor practically begged, reaching across the table to take Yuuri's hands in his, his eyes wide with entreaty. 

 

The problem was that Yuuri _did_ love the festivals as a child. They were good fun when he was with his family and friends, and he remembered how he and Yuuko would sneak off between dances and find Takeshi so they could play some of the games together, Minako frantically calling their names when they were nowhere to be seen.

 

He remembered feeling a rare security, surrounded by faces he knew. Now the idea of being surrounded terrified him, and he didn't know if he could stomach the clamor of so many voices paired with loud music. He drew his hands away from Victor's grasp and looked down at the table as he murmured, “I…I don’t know…I…”

 

He could feel Victor's stare on him, and knew the man was probably annoyed by his reluctance. Yuuri waited for the exasperation, the long sigh, but instead he heard a soft, concerned question, "You really don't like going to the city, do you?"

 

Was Yuuri that blatantly transparent? Of course he was. He hardly made a secret of how uncomfortable he was, even around Christophe and Eduard, whom he _liked_. They were all curious about him and, even if he wanted it to be otherwise, he had indirectly fostered that curiosity with his reticence. 

 

His silence must have spoken volumes. Victor looked at him intently, though Yuuri had yet to raise his gaze. “What are you afraid of?”

 

It was the question he'd dreaded most. What could he possibly say that wouldn't make Victor run out here looking at him with disgust?

 

Then again...Victor had a rough idea of what Yuuri went through, having seen it for himself, and he was still there. Frozen, Yuuri stared at the surface of the table and barely managed to say quietly, “…So many things.”  _Things I'll never be ready to talk to you about._

 

He risked a glance up to see Victor nodding, as if processing the answer. He wasn't frowning, or smiling, but instead looked like he was deep in thought. Finally he asked in gentle tones, “What if I stayed close to you the whole time? You don't have to say yes. We can always stay here."

 

He couldn't actually be willing to do that. _No one_ was this kind, this considerate. Yuuri shook his head briefly, still too ashamed to lift his gaze. "You don't have to stay here."  _With me_.

 

"On the contrary I'd rather stay here than go without you. It's less intimidating that way."

 

That _had_ to be a boldfaced lie. Yuuri did lift his gaze, essentially glaring at the other man in disbelief as he asked, "What could possibly intimidate you? You love going to the city!" Victor was a creature of legend, a beautiful and congenial man. He was more at ease in his own skin than Yuuri could ever hope to be. 

 

To his surprise the man winced a little at the questions, glancing away for a moment before replying hesitantly, "...I like the quiet too. In fact, I prefer it. It's exciting to meet new people, but it does get tiring."

 

Yuuri stared at Victor, unable to completely reconcile that statement with the man he knew. Then again it was...comforting to think that Victor did understand what it felt like to be so overwhelmed by everything going on around them. His leg shaking with nerves, Yuuri closed his eyes and sighed, thinking that he could at least do _something_ to make sure Victor remembered him even a little bit. “…Okay…I'll come with you. Y-you're right, it might actually be fun.”

 

The smile Victor gave him nearly made Yuuri's heart stop, and suddenly he found himself quietly swearing that he would do anything so Victor would keep looking at him that way.

 

Absolutely anything.

 

...And then absolutely anything became anything that two people with a pulse could get up to that involved no clothing and a lot of moaning.

 

He then remembered his very vivid dream.

 

_Damn._

 

Yuuri seriously considered bolting the moment he felt himself grow hard, red-faced and wishing he were dead just as Victor got to his feet. "I'm going to go see if I can find us some lunch. Can't let my hunting skills get rusty! Yakov would never let me hear the end of it."

 

Nodding and smiling a little too brightly, Yuuri managed to say, "Be careful!"  _Please go please go please go please go._

 

Victor gave him another devastating smile before he opened the door and stepped outside into the three feet of accumulated snow, shutting the door behind him moments before Yuuri heard the flap of wings.

 

Sighing in relief, Yuuri got up and clambered towards his bed, throwing himself on it as he frantically took his trousers off and wrapped a hand around his hard length. Normally he would have taken his time, but he had the awful feeling that Victor could return any minute.

 

But he just wanted to get it over with and take all the guilt that came with it. 

 

The Victor in his dream came to mind as soon as he started stroking himself, warm and beautiful and sensual, his rich scent flooding the air around them as Yuuri bit back his moans, swearing he could taste blood.

 

He couldn't keep doing this to himself, making everything worse by imagining Victor holding him, kissing him all over until Yuuri trembled, stroking his body like he loved him.

 

He remembered how Victor had touched his face, his hand gentle and soft over his skin. 

 

Yuuri imagined those smooth, graceful hands touching him, pleasuring him.

 

He gasped when he climaxed, come making his hand slick as he closed his eyes and tried to enjoy the intense waves of pleasure. 

 

His hand fell to his side as he came down from the sweet high, and he panted hard as his heart raced, making him feel like it was about to burst.

 

Honestly, he felt like he deserved a messy death.

 

Lying there, Yuuri covered his face with his clean hand, wondering once again how he was supposed to survive _Victor_. How was he supposed to just forget that he was practically in love with the man? It had been hard enough to realize how he'd lost Yuuko after walking away from her. 

 

He supposed it was only just that he experience the same.

 

"I'm terrible," he said to the silence, feeling his head begin to ache.

 

* * *

 

_Your true colors_

_Are beautiful like a rainbow…_

 

* * *

 

“I’m definitely not dressed for this.”

 

Yuuri still felt shabby in even his finest clothes, especially next to Victor. He dressed in comfortable layers, in a blue he couldn't help but hope matched Victor's eyes. It was good enough for a festival meant to bid winter goodbye, but understated enough that Yuuri wouldn't stand out. With people like Victor and Phichit around, Yuuri would probably fade into the background.

 

Good. That was just what he wanted.

 

He gave a tiny jump when he felt Victor's hands on his shoulders, and turned to look at him. The man looked amazing in dark purple tones, an outfit he'd picked out when Yuuri first took him to find clothing that actually fit him. His hair fell loosely down his back, luxurious and beautiful. He was sure to turn heads. Yuuri was almost sure he didn't like that idea much.

 

“You look perfect, Yuuri. No one will be able to take their eyes off you,” Victor said with a reassuring smile, eyes slowly roaming up and down Yuuri's body.

 

Sighing in dismay, Yuuri stepped back and crossed his arms over his chest. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

 

“Why is that, Yuuri?”

 

He took one look at the genuine concern in those eyes, and almost gave in. His secrets were a vice over his heart, infecting him with guilt, fear, loneliness. He settled for the simplest explanation, though there was a layer of untruth to it. “…I don’t want to disappoint anyone…”  _I don’t want to disappoint you._

 

Victor's hand left his shoulder to settle on the curve of his jaw, warm and gentle as he tipped Yuuri's face up and said, “You are not disappointing, Yuuri.”

 

Yuuri let out a soft, bitter laugh. Victor would absolutely be disappointed in him if he knew why he was here, and not even living in the city when he'd effectively taken the local apothecary's place. “There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

 

“I know that you’re intelligent and incredibly talented,” Victor said easily, his thumb stroking Yuuri's cheek. “You’re kind, generous, and resourceful. Best of all you make me smile more than I have in years.”

 

Closing his eyes, Yuuri let himself smile at the soothing feeling of Victor's touch, the tender warmth in his voice and presence. “I like seeing you smile,” he heard himself say, and then he blushed when he realized it.

 

Embarrassed, he opened his eyes and saw Victor beaming down at him, pink dusting his cheeks, and Yuuri stared. Had he...really made Victor blush? No, it was...just a trick of the light. Wishful thinking. There was no way Yuuri could make someone like Victor blush.

 

Then Victor confused him further, his eyes filling with some emotion Yuuri couldn't quite identify as he took Yuuri's hands in his, never taking his eyes off of him when he said, “And I like seeing  _you_  smile. Come on.” He flicked his head towards the door, Yuuri staring at him open-mouthed and wondering just what was happening. “Let’s have some fun.”

 

He had far too much time during the walk to the city to think about that moment. He kept thinking that there was more in Victor's eyes as he looked at him, but Yuuri stopped himself from chasing that thought like a child chasing butterflies. Victor was just grateful to him, and fine, maybe he did feel some admiration for Yuuri. After all Yuuri did save his life.

 

Victor couldn't possibly share his feelings. He'd probably laugh, and Yuuri felt a painful twinge in his chest as he imagined the mocking tone of Victor's voice as he told him he would never fall in love with an ordinary human, and then fly away back to a world Yuuri could never hope to be a part of.

 

He would never allow himself to pretend that they were something more on this night, but at least he could anchor himself in the serenity of Victor's company. Perhaps not as a lover, but as a friend at least. That wouldn't be so bad. Yet another wonderful memory for him to tuck away for the rest of his miserable life.

 

Once in the city Yuuri could feel the familiar sensation of unease giving rise to panic as he found himself very much surrounded by strangers and the sound of music floating through the cold air. 

 

His immediate instinct was to run. Yet he kept putting one foot in front of the other, keeping up with Victor's excited gait as he gazed around, eyes wide with amazement as he took in the way the city had come alive in the mid-winter. 

 

Yuuri grounded himself in that sight, his heart finding some form of peace in seeing the wonder in those blue eyes. He wasn't alone in this, and Victor was brilliant enough that Yuuri was practically invisible next to him.

 

And indeed, like Yuuri had predicted, Victor drew attention as they slowly made their way to the main gathering hall, where there would be food and dancing throughout the night, the celebrating crowds creating a rare winter warmth with merriment and joyful conversation. And Victor smiled back at every slack-jawed look that came his way, and Yuuri had to look away.

 

It was much bigger than the festivals in Yuuri's village, where he'd known almost everyone. Here even strangers were drawn to each other by the happiness of having made it another year, through another winter, through the good and the bad in their lives.

 

Soon, Yuuri realized he would stop keeping track of the years, not really experiencing any good beyond being able to heal people, but...this year one good thing had happened, and it had brought vibrant color and magic into the loneliness of Yuuri's world.

 

He could be thankful for that, at least.

 

"This is..." Victor shook his head, still smiling at the lights, the people, the music. "The festivals in my village were nowhere near as big as this..."

 

Yuuri gave a quiet laugh, his nerves settling just the tiniest bit. "I know what you mean."

 

He was glad to be in the warmth of the hall once they entered, but there were still more people than he was comfortable with. He was still tense, and worried that Victor would notice.

 

Of course Victor didn't disappoint him. The man kept glancing at him when they put their cloaks away and then smiled in understanding. "Do you want to sit down somewhere...quiet?"

 

Yuuri laughed nervously. There was no quiet to be had here. "Thanks. I'd appreciate that."

 

"Do you mind if we get drinks first?"

 

"That's fine."

 

Soon they sat in a place where Yuuri felt he could quietly blend into the walls, a cup of wine in his hand as he watched Mistress Lilia's dancers, Phichit among them, perform the same dance he and Victor danced together. It was beautiful and sad to watch, Yuuri taking more and more sips as he took in the carefree smiles on the dancers' faces, wishing he were brave enough to dance the way he used to. 

 

Dancing like that again was like a dream. Dancing like that with Victor was...

 

Impossible. That time outside his cabin would be the first time and the last.

 

He finished his drink, briefly noting that Victor was still halfway done with his, and let the dance transfix him. It was Phichit's moment to shine, not Yuuri's moment to wallow in self-pity. 

 

The dance ended in that same hopeful note, a joyful reminder that the gods would reward their endurance with springtime. For Yuuri spring would mean something else entirely.

 

He found himself wishing winter were eternal, then felt ashamed at his selfishness. Victor needed to go home, needed to see his brother and their guardian again. Yuuri couldn't keep him to himself forever.

 

The people cheered and whistled, Victor getting to his feet and clapping enthusiastically. "Gods, wasn't that wonderful, Yuuri?!"

 

Yuuri smiled weakly in response, trying to ignore the ache in his throat.

 

Victor spotted his empty cup and asked, "I can go and get you more if you like."

 

"Thank you," Yuuri sighed, handing him the cup and wondering just how many drinks he was going to need to get through the night without falling too deeply into maudlin thoughts.

 

"I'll be right back," Victor reassured him just before he left.

 

Yuuri watched the crowd swallow Victor's tall form, closing his eyes and concentrating on the music playing. Soon enough everyone would begin dancing and singing as the evening wore on, and people would drunkenly stumble home, alone or accompanied. 

 

He swayed to the music, eyes still closed as he waited for Victor to return. No doubt there was a line of people trying to get drinks, so it would probably take him a while.

 

“I can’t believe it.”

 

The blood in Yuuri's veins turned to ice and his heart filled with bitterly cold dread. He opened his eyes with a gasp and immediately turned towards the source of the familiar voice. 

 

Takeshi was taller, broader, and powerfully built, as he'd always been. Yuuri remembered being a child and dreading his teasing, his mocking words, fearing a shove that would send him sprawling to the ground.

 

That was nothing compared to the dread he was feeling now. Yuuri got to his feet and froze where he stood, not knowing whether to stay and ask what Takeshi was doing here and running out of here, with or without Victor.

 

Takeshi approached him, shock stamped on his face as he stood in front of Yuuri, who wished the earth would swallow him up and end his suffering. “I thought I was delirious, but…Gods, it’s actually you.”

 

Yuuri didn't know what to make of Takeshi's tone. Was he happy? Angry? He couldn't tell, and it terrified him. He kept waiting for the pity, the disgust, but...he couldn't find it anywhere in his one-time rival's face. It felt like an eternity before Yuuri could actually make his voice work so he could ask, “What are you doing here?”

 

“Minami Kenjirou came to speak with the dance mistress," Takeshi slowly explained, as if he wasn't quite sure how to answer. Yuuri remembered the name. The boy had barely entered adolescence when Yuuri had run away, and had a habit of following Yuuri around with a look of worship that made him a little uncomfortable. Takeshi added, "He’s never left the village before, so I came along with him.” He bit his lip and looked at the ground, as though unsure of himself, and Yuuri remained frozen. Was this actually happening _now?_ Here of all places? “How are you?”

 

How was he supposed to answer? That he was miserable most days? That sometimes he wished he were dead? That he'd never been born? That he wished he could go back in time and stop himself from turning his back on Yuuko? That he still felt so much guilt he felt like he was dying anyway? “I’m…I’m well, thank you,” Yuuri replied, quiet and shaky, hating himself for being such a coward. He couldn't stay here, he couldn't remain under Takeshi's gaze much longer, reminding him of everything he'd done and reinforcing the knowledge that he didn't deserve happiness. He didn't deserve Victor. “I-I’ll go now.”

 

He tried to be quick, as quick as he had been as a child, but Takeshi caught him by the elbow. Panicking, Yuuri turned to pull away, but met with desperation in Takeshi's eyes. “Yuuri, wait! Look, I need to talk to you.”

 

Yuuri couldn't talk. He hadn't talked in five years. He'd never voiced any of it aloud, and he'd been so close to it whenever he felt himself begin trust Phichit, Christophe, Victor, and then fear would silence him again. But this was Takeshi, resurrecting memories of Yuuri's old life. He forced himself to look Takeshi in the eye, painful as it was, and asked in bitter tones, “Talk about what? About Yuuko? I know she married you, Takeshi, and I know she’s happy. Happier than she ever would’ve been with me.”

 

“You don’t know that!” Takeshi exclaimed, and for a moment Yuuri feared they were being heard, but a quick glance around them made him realize that everyone was preoccupied with their own lively conversation. The bigger man let Yuuri's arm go, and he sighed heavily as he rubbed his forehead and said, “She was hurt for a long time, Yuuri. We all were. You just disappeared and no one knew why! All we had to go on were your letters and things Mari told us, but…I know you thought you had to leave because of how you thought Yuuko would reject you for…that problem you have.”

 

Yuuri paled at the reminder, seeing himself that awful day through their eyes, a pitiful sight who couldn't dare hope to have someone as beautiful and vibrant as Yuuko or Victor. He tore his gaze away from Takeshi, fury and pain battling in his heart, and replied in a tight voice, “…I saw the pity in her eyes, and…it proved I was right. Both of you thought I was weak.” 

 

Glaring at him, Takeshi shot back, “Damn it, Yuuri, we were worried! We may not have gotten along all the time, but I still thought of you as a friend! Yuuko loved you and I  _know_  you loved her…You still do, don’t you?”

 

Did he?

 

Yuuri knew he loved Victor. It didn't lessen the love he once had for Yuuko. They were as different as the sun and moon, and it was...unfair to compare the two of them. 

 

It had been painful, but Yuuri accepted that he and Yuuko were not going to be together.

 

And he accepted his part in it.

 

Regret was what he felt. A complicated regret. 

 

Now he dearly wished things were different, if only so he could feel like he and Victor might have a chance.

 

Takeshi's question wasn't a challenge. Yuuri could see a flicker of fear in Takeshi's dark eyes, sense it in his voice, and almost couldn't believe it. It added yet another layer of guilt, because...Yuuko and Takeshi had a life together, they had children. Did Takeshi believe Yuuri could potentially ruin that? Taking a shaky breath, Yuuri answered, “…She’s married to you now. You have children together. I don’t intend to come between you all. I don’t…deserve any of that.”

 

He had to get that through his head. It would make his life so much easier when he did.

 

Takeshi frowned at him, as though confused. “You think you…”

 

“I did an awful thing, Takeshi," Yuuri interrupted, reliving it all anew. The look in Yuuko's eyes. His own heartbreak. The overwhelming guilt over leaving his family without a word. If it haunted him until he died, it was well deserved. "I was a coward and I gave up the person I loved. Maybe I never deserved her in the first place.”

 

He looked up at the scoff from Takeshi, who looked at him like he thought he was a fool. “You know I used to resent you because I thought I was second best in Yuuko’s heart, but…lately it hasn’t felt that way. Quit thinking about who deserves what and maybe start thinking about coming home. Yuuko forgives you and she misses you. We all do.”

 

It was so wonderfully tempting. To be able to go home and feel like he never had to hide again, or look over his shoulder. To form bonds and keep them, never fearing that he would be alone forever. Victor had given him a taste of the life he could have, surrounded by smiles from people who cared about him.

 

But Takeshi didn't understand. Yuuri couldn't forgive himself, didn't think that he deserved even the gift of Victor's presence this winter. All he could do was weakly reply, “I can’t…”

 

He waited for Takeshi to press further, clenching his fists and dreading further temptation. Instead Takeshi sighed in dismay and touched his shoulder, giving it a warmer squeeze than Yuuri had expected. “It was good to see you again, Yuuri.”

 

He walked past him, and Yuuri exhaled shakily as his head swam with conflicting thoughts and emotions. He had spoken of his feelings, and it was as though the vice over his heart loosened its hold very slightly. But his past had found him so suddenly, just when he thought he was  _safe_ , or as safe as he could be when he was in a situation where he was unmoored, surrounded by strangers and people he'd kept at bay...

 

Yuuri's vision swam and he thought he would faint.

 

Victor's sweet scent pierced through the fog in his mind, shocking him back to clarity, and then the man appeared. Yuuri looked at his face, then everywhere else, once again afraid of revealing too much. “Who was that?” the man asked innocently, holding out Yuuri's cup.

 

Yuuri took the cup and answered hoarsely, “An old friend from my village.” He refused to elaborate and drained his cup, thankful for the heat the wine sent through his tightly-wound body. He exhaled sharply, unused to the bite of the wine, and brusquely ran a hand through his hair. “I need another drink,” he muttered, and started making his way through the crowd as his heart raced. He was vaguely aware of Victor following him.

 

The third and fourth drinks still burned, then the fifth went down a little easier.

 

Six.

 

...Seven.

 

He nearly fell to the ground, laughing raucously as he got up to refill his cup and found that the world had begun to tilt. Victor caught him in his arms, keeping him upright as he swayed and threatened to tip over.

 

Yuuri smiled, thinking briefly that his face should have been hurting from so much smiling, but everything was covered in a wonderful fog and his head with tingling so pleasantly as the music played and people began to sing along, stomping their feat and creating a beat that made Yuuri want to get up and dance with everyone else.

 

Clutching Victor's sleeve, Yuuri looked up into the man's face. Gods, his _beautiful_ face was framed by the most astounding silver glow, and Yuuri wanted to keep looking at it. He reached up to stroke Victor's face but his fingers slid off the man's chin. Yuuri snorted and giggled, nearly stumbling as Victor kept a tight hold on him. How was Victor still standing up? Hadn't he drunk as much as Yuuri had? He decided not to try and figure it out, loudly saying, “Vic- _tor!_ Come and dance with me! Let’s make music!”

 

He started to tug Victor to the middle of the hall, giggling more at the soft sound of surprise Victor let out. He heard the man nervously laugh, “You’re a little bit drunk, Yuurichka!”

 

Yuuri just laughed, limbs light as air as his body remembered just what dance he wanted to do as the familiar melody played, and kept tugging Victor along. He'd dance and Victor would _know_ , and Yuuri could keep this feeling of lightness forever. “Come on! I want everyone to see how well your arm healed!”

 

More than anything he wanted to see if Victor knew this dance, and if he would move as sensually as Yuuri imagined he would.

 

The tune was perfect, persistent and passionate, coercing Yuuri into weaving through the moving crowd as he moved his hands over his body in a fluid movement, managing to keep his less than steady gaze on Victor, hoping the other man could sense the intent in his stare.

 

He watched Victor's eyes widen with realization and he smiled. Victor knew very well which dance he was doing. 

 

The rest of the world stopped mattering when Victor answered with the same movements, his eyes never leaving Yuuri's. 

 

Oh yes, he knew the dance. Then Victor kept matching his movements and Yuuri realized he had  _mastered_ the dance.

 

A different heat rose in Yuuri's body as they danced, muting out everything except the music as he and Victor moved around each other, hands hovering over each other's bodies in tantalizing motions, Victor's hair flowing gracefully in his wake.

 

Victor's hand brushed across his at a critical moment, and Yuuri inhaled sharply, his heart pounding only for this dance, this moment, that touch. He held Victor's heavy gaze, still not knowing what he saw in it. All he knew was that Victor was only looking at  _him_ , and it was the most glorious feeling in the world.

 

They circled closer together as the music neared its end, their hands finally touching, clasping together as they came closer with every turn. Yuuri breathed hard, mind screaming at him to take action, to end the dance the way  _he_ wanted to end it, artful suggestions be damned.

 

It felt like an eternity before Yuuri heard the final note, and felt Victor's free hand curl over his lower back. Yuuri quickly licked his lips and buried his hand in Victor's hair, watching the man jolt with surprise just before Yuuri tugged him in to a kiss.

 

Yuuri closed his eyes and sank into the kiss, tongue moving between Victor's lips, which parted in surprise as Yuuri deepened the kiss. 

 

Victor's lips were as soft as he'd imagined they were.

 

Sharp whistles and loud hoots cut through the happy haze in Yuuri's mind and he broke the kiss, grinning at the way Victor was staring at him in shock, panting sharply as he still held on to Yuuri his hands shaking.

 

Yuuri ignored the cheering around them, unaware that they'd cleared the floor together and gained a rapt audience, and said breathlessly, “Your lips are so soft.”

 

Victor let him go, exhaling shakily and blinking rapidly, Yuuri giggling softly as he watched him blush as he looked around frantically. He held firmly to Yuuri's shoulder and started steering him away, making sure he didn't stumble, and Yuuri heard him stammer, “Let’s…let’s get you out of here, Yuuri.”

 

He couldn't stop smiling. He wanted to kiss Victor again, and do more than kiss him. He just kept smiling as he gazed at the man, too intoxicated on drink and lust to register the suggestive whistles and Christophe cheering in their direction, “ _Way to go, Yuuri!”_

 

Somewhere along the way Victor retrieved their cloaks, and Yuuri felt so warm and happy as he clumsily walked alongside Victor. There weren't that many people left out in the streets, and Yuuri briefly wondered just how late it was. Then he realized they were essentially alone, away from the noise and crush of people. Yuuri's ears rang, though he was sure it was more because of the intense memory of the kiss, his pulse racing as he turned to look at the uncharacteristically quiet man leading him.

 

Yuuri grabbed Victor's shoulders with a laugh, loving the surprised yelp he let out as Yuuri shoved him against a wall. He quickly buried his hands in that beautiful silver hair and captured Victor's lips with his, breathing hard as his tongue swept across Victor's, drawing out a shudder from both men. He was eager, groaning into Victor's mouth and sucking on his tongue. He broke the kiss once he needed air, meeting Victor's wonderfully dazed gaze with his own as they panted against each other's mouths. “Gods, you taste good,” he slurred out, flicking his tongue against Victor's rosy bottom lip before diving in to briefly catch it between his teeth, his cock twitching at the whimper Victor let out.

 

He pressed his body against Victor's, moaning softly at the heat and bliss of the friction. He latched on to the side of Victor's long neck, licking a hard path up towards his ear before sucking on the spot beneath it, tugging the man's head back and practically smirking when Victor keened, “Yuuri, stop. You’re not well.”

 

Then he gasped and Yuuri felt the man's knees nearly buckle when he curled his tongue beneath his earlobe before sucking it into his mouth. He inhaled deeply, heart beating wildly at the glorious scent. Yuuri murmured against Victor's ear, “You smell so good, and your hair’s so  _soft_.”

 

He felt Victor getting hard against his thigh, then he thrust harder against him, loving the low whine Victor let out.

 

“ _Blyad…_ ” Yuuri had no clue what that meant, but he hoped it was something good. Next thing he knew Victor grabbed him by the shoulders and tore them apart, a desperate look in his eyes as he breathed hard. Yuuri licked his lips again as he stared lustfully, so ready to make the gorgeous man in front of him fall apart.

 

Then Victor swept him up into his arms, moving faster than Yuuri could react.

 

Yuuri found himself staring up into the dark sky, barely noticing the visible puffs of his breath in the cold air. Victor held him securely, but Yuuri couldn't seem to focus on his face, as hard as he tried. He closed his eyes and smiled at the ever present scent, bliss further clouding his head. “Go to sleep, Yuuri," he heard Victor say shakily. "We’ll be home soon.”

 

He couldn't wait to get home. He couldn't wait to have Victor in bed, to kiss him more and pull more sounds of pleasure from him.

 

“Take me home, Victor..."

 

* * *

 

_No one can unring this bell_

_Unsound this alarm…_

 

* * *

 

A pounding pain in his head.

 

Rebellion in his stomach.

 

An awful taste in his mouth.

 

That was what Yuuri woke up to.

 

He whined into his pillow, pain and soreness the only things he was aware of. Well, that and the awful nausea making his stomach heave. Gods, even the thought of getting a drink of water made him want to gag. He didn't think he could keep anything down.

 

Curling up into a ball beneath his blanket, Yuuri silently begged for death, keeping his eyes shut tight and trying to somehow figure out away to ease the pain and general discomfort.

 

How the hell had he even ended up like this?

 

The very last thing Yuuri remembered was being in the hall, desperate for an escape after the encounter with Takeshi...

 

Right.

 

He'd staked a claim on a spot close to the wine, refilling his cup until his memory became a literal blank.

 

His eyes shot open as terror kickstarted his heart, and Yuuri tried as hard as he could to remember what had happened but his mind hit a wall. He couldn't recall anything and frankly it made his head hurt all the more to try. 

 

Yuuri raised his head a little, bearing the awful throb and noting with some relief that he was at least in his own cabin.

 

A new terror seized his heart when he saw that he was alone.

 

Victor was nowhere to be found.

 

Panicking, Yuuri sat up and threw his blanket off, a cold sweat making him shake, though he was still wearing his clothes and boots from the night before. 

 

No no no no no, not now not  _yet_. 

 

Victor couldn't be gone yet. He said he would stay until spring.

 

_Gods, no, please tell me he didn't..._

 

But why on earth was he so upset?

 

He knew this was coming. He should have been ready.

 

No, he wasn't ready at all.

 

He was  _never_ going to be ready.

 

Yuuri couldn't do it. He couldn't possibly spend the rest of his life like this, resigned to solitude.

 

He stood in his empty cabin, not knowing whether he wanted to vomit or weep. 

 

Then he gasped when he heard plaintive whines from just outside his door.

 

It sounded like a dog.

 

No. A wolf.

 

Yuuri let out a relieved laugh, dizzy as his heart gave hard beats. He was smiling, leaning more towards wanting to weep than vomit as he walked to the door. When he tried to speak it came out as an unrecognizable croak. He cleared his throat and tried again, though he didn't sound much better. “Victor? Is that you?”

 

A more alert whine, followed by the sound of rustling fabric moments later. Yuuri strained his ears to hear a human sound, anything that would tell him that Victor was still with him, that he wasn't alone again.

 

The answer came when the door opened, and Victor appeared behind it. He too was still wearing the same clothes as last night, but his hair was in a braid. And his face...He was smiling, but Yuuri sensed something else. Almost as though it were not a true reflection of the feelings in the man's heart.

 

He didn't think about it much. But he did think about how hideous he must have looked, and looked down at the floor between them. "I...I thought you..."

 

_I thought you left._

 

_I thought I lost you._

 

Victor entered and shut the door behind him, still sporting that same, tight smile that made Yuuri feel a little disconcerted. “You’re awake. How are you feeling?”

 

“Terrible," Yuuri admitted with an embarrassed smile, trying to clear his voice a bit more before speaking again. Remembering that Victor had been out, and considering his own intoxicated condition, Yuuri quickly asked him, "You weren’t out all night, were you?”

 

“I was out trying to find breakfast, but I had no luck,” Victor explained easily. For a brief moment Yuuri saw the smile nearly slip, but it managed to stay in place and Victor slowly inquired, “Do you...remember much from last night?”

 

Oh no. No no no, what had Yuuri _done?_  Why did his entire body ache? Why couldn't he _remember?_ Gods, he'd probably said something massively stupid and revealing and...Oh, no  _wonder_ Victor's acting so strangely! Fighting down his nausea and rising panic, Yuuri rapidly answered, "Nothing. I don't remember anything." And it was terrifying. Yuuri was no drinker, and he supposed that this was one good reason to never start. Shame coloring his face, Yuuri asked, "I didn’t do anything…untoward, did I?”

 

He dreaded the answer, fearing he'd committed the ultimate blunder and confessed his feelings for Victor, or even told him that he'd had dreams about him, dreams of a sexual nature. Oh, if he'd actually told him that he'd pleasured himself to thoughts of Victor, he was going to die. Simply die of shame.

 

“Nothing at all!”

 

Yuuri almost didn't catch the words or their meaning. He had to go over it three times before he could finally relax and exhale heavily, placing his hand over his heart to try and calm his racing heart. “That’s a relief…”

 

“All you did was dance in front of everyone, outshining each and every one of Mistress Lilia’s students!”

 

Then all relaxation flew out the window and Yuuri's heart plummeted down to the pit of his stomach as he went over Victor's words in his mind. He had to be joking. He had to be.

 

He wasn't. Yuuri stared at him in horror and shouted, “ _WHAT?!”_

 

This time Victor beamed at him, mirth and amazement sparkling in his eyes, as though Yuuri weren't fervently wishing he were dead and buried, all while his stomach seized painfully. “You were absolutely spectacular, Yuuri! Oh, look how green you’re turning! Uh…I’ll go get you a bucket and some rags for that.”

 

They were sitting at the table, Yuuri shakily nursing a hot cup of mint tea to settle his stomach and finally rid his mouth of that awful taste. He kept his eyes away from Victor's face across the table, still smiling as he made sure Yuuri drank his tea, as if Yuuri's world weren't tumbling down around him for the second time in his life. He shook his head and groaned, a little grateful that his stomach was already empty. “I can’t believe I did that…I can’t believe I  _humiliated_  myself like that!”

 

Apparently everyone in the hall saw it happen, Victor being among them. And the way word could travel...

 

Yuuri miserably wondered for the twentieth time why he wasn't dead.

 

“No one was laughing at you, Yuuri," Victor said reassuringly, and Yuuri just tightened his grip on his cup in response. "They honestly thought you were wonderful.”

 

Right. Because no one had ever laughed at Victor. He couldn't possibly understand what this meant for Yuuri, who'd spent five years making a pathetic excuse for a life out here, but it was a life...of course it was. “How am I ever going to show my face there again?” he asked quietly, not wanting to picture the looks of ridicule. Of course when he was drunk all he wanted to do was dance. He used to love dancing and now...

 

Shit, he didn't even know if he'd danced anything in particular. He heard Victor's chair scrape the floor, then heard him say soothingly, “Well, you can figure that out a lot more easily if you have some food in your stomach.”

 

“Right. Food…” Even the thought of chewing had him wanting to retch. Gods, Victor was being so kind, and all Yuuri had done so far was wallow in self-pity and nearly vomit on him. He rubbed his face with his hand and muttered apologetically, “I'm sorry, it’s just…I’m an idiot. I probably embarrassed you too.”

 

Suddenly Victor was beside him, placing a hand beneath his chin to tilt Yuuri's face up. His gaze was as firm as his voice as he said, “No you didn’t. And you're not an idiot. You’ve just had an eventful night, and hangovers aren’t particularly conducive to the thought process. Yuuri, I promise that no one was laughing. I wasn't either. In fact I thought you were incredible."

 

A potentially foolish part of Yuuri seized on to the promise, maybe because of how Victor was looking at him, really looking at him, as if he were the only one in the world. Still, as the stubborn doubts started to cloud his mind, he asked, "...Really?"

 

Victor smiled at him, a genuine one, one that Yuuri loved. "Really. I actually wish you did remember what happened..." Something like sadness flooded Victor's eyes, just for a moment, but Yuuri noticed it. Before he could wonder more about it, Victor added softly, "...You looked so happy."

 

Yuuri felt as though he should say something, something beyond the words on the tip of his tongue. Yes, they meant something, but they weren't exactly what Yuuri wanted to say. He felt better, like maybe the world _wasn't_ ending, and things would be okay when he walked through the city gates. Yet he found himself saying what came easier, “Thank you for…for taking care of me.”

 

"You don't have to thank me for that," Victor replied, voice still soft as he gave Yuuri's cheek a gentle graze with his fingers before going to take care of their breakfast.

 

Smiling, Yuuri focused all thoughts on those moments, letting a rare feeling of security wash over him.

 

He wanted to take that feeling, solidify it into a heavy stone, something concrete, and let it rest in his heart. It was the only way he'd have the strength to say goodbye when the time came.

 

As the days passed Yuuri did notice a shift.

 

Victor was...in all honesty, still as congenial as ever, and Yuuri couldn't exactly pinpoint when the shift began. After all, Victor had assured him nothing awful had occurred during those lost hours at the festival.

 

He couldn't help but wonder, though, and the worry kept on growing in his mind. 

 

Perhaps Victor was preoccupied with thoughts of home, excited at the prospect of finally returning and seeing his brother. 

 

Sometimes Yuuri indulged himself with the somewhat selfish thought that maybe Victor was going to miss him. Maybe...he wouldn't want to leave?

 

Right.

 

Yuuri was supposed to be preparing himself. He couldn't fall apart like he had the morning after the festival. He had to be stronger, face the crushing loneliness the way he always had.

 

It would all be fine. 

 

Maybe Victor would visit. 

 

Maybe he'd remember the solitary healer who saved his life and gave him shelter for the winter and think to visit during the warm seasons, and Yuuri might not feel so lonely.

 

He really needed to stop this. Those wishful thoughts weren't helping.

 

They didn't discuss the change. It all went unspoken as Victor hunted and Yuuri focused on his medicines, not really sure when he'd be brave enough to show his face back in the market after having made a spectacle of himself. 

 

He tried not to think about it too much, content to let the time pass slowly in his cabin, sharing the space with Victor.

 

Sometimes he sensed that the older man was about to say something to him, but when Yuuri looked at him Victor stayed silent.

 

Yuuri said nothing.

 

* * *

  

_Maybe redemption has stories to tell_

_Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell..._  

 

* * *

 

It had been three weeks after the festival and Yuuri sat alone in the cabin. Victor was still out hunting. He'd been having better luck these days, bringing back something that they could both share for dinner. He'd smile with pride, Yuuri would express his admiration. They smiled at each other. They discussed what they'd done that day. They ate.

 

It was pleasant.

 

Yuuri had resolved to live in the moment, and so he kept on working, waiting for Victor to return. The fear that one day Victor might not even come back was still present, but tucked away in a quiet corner of Yuuri's mind for the moment. He did not need to worry about that now. He just needed to get through the days and start gathering up the courage to venture into the city and face the music, as it were. 

 

The least he could do was ensure he didn't unwittingly gain a reputation as a drinker.

 

Three sudden knocks at the door made Yuuri gasp and drop the stopper he was holding. Victor didn't knock. Victor opened the door and came in beaming with his catch.

 

No one came to see Yuuri once he'd made it clear that he preferred his solitude, unless there was a real emergency.

 

That had to be it. Someone was very ill and someone decided Yuuri could help. He eyed his bag, in its usual spot near the foot of his bed, and stood up to get the door. He'd have to leave a note for Victor if he was going to leave right away.

 

When Yuuri opened the door the person standing in front of him wasn't anyone from the city. 

 

His heart practically stopped and suddenly he was eighteen years old again, looking into brown eyes that were brimming with pain as he turned his back on their owner forever.

 

Forever turned out to end today.

 

Yuuko stood outside his door, wrapped in a cloak and looking at him with a wide smile of joy on her face, one that once never failed to make Yuuri want to fall to his knees. She was as beautiful as he remembered. “Yuuri…It really is you,” she said softly.

 

Many times he'd imagined what she would sound like if they ever met again. Angry, hateful, rightfully so. Yuuri could only stare at her, not knowing how to respond to the quiet joy in her voice. Like she was happy to see him. In all his imaginings he'd never truly figured out what he would say to her. “...Takeshi told you.”

 

“He did. Almost as soon as he came home,” Yuuko said, still smiling at him, her hands clasped tightly in front of her. “I’m so happy to see you, Yuuri.”

 

Was she really? Could anyone really be happy to see someone who broke their heart? After everything they'd been through together? Everything they'd promised each other? Yuuri couldn't find a definite answer, but...it wasn't right to just leave Yuuko standing outside. Dazed, Yuuri stood aside and said quietly, “You’re shivering. Please come inside.”

 

Yuuko stepped into the cabin, Yuuri looking away as her eyes her surroundings in. What did she see? What did she think? Was she satisfied that _this_ was the best he could do for himself? He swallowed nervously, closing the door and asking, “…Does Takeshi know you’re here?”

 

She turned around and gave him a surprised look, raising a single brow. “Yes he does. I don’t keep secrets from him.”

 

They sat down at the table once Yuuri cleaned it up. He didn't think to offer anything to eat or drink, sitting across from her and feeling...nothing like the way he felt when it was Victor sitting across from him. She too looked uncertain, but he was waiting for the accusation, for the fury, the hate, everything that he'd told himself to expect from her. He breathed shakily, gaze moving to the table, away from hers, and tried to figure out what he could say if only to stop the silence. “…Yuuko, I’m sorry for leaving the way I did,” he blurted out, shame threatening to suffocate him from the inside. Still he forced himself to keep going, if only for Yuuko's sake. She'd never deserved any of this. Just like he didn't deserve her forgiveness.

 

“I shouldn’t have ended things that way. I hurt you, and…” _And I hurt myself. I hurt everyone else._ He'd not only broken Yuuko's heart, but also his mother's. His father's. His sister's. Yuuko could leave here and hate him forever, but at least she would know he was sorry. He wasn't going to be selfish enough to think she would just forget her pain and offer her full forgiveness. “I understand if you can’t forgive me for—”

 

“I  _do_  forgive you! I forgave you a long time ago,” Yuuko exclaimed, making Yuuri fall silent and gape at her in shock. Her gaze was filled with pain, but...it couldn't have been for him, could it? “I wish you’d given me the chance to tell you that I didn’t care if you had such anxiety. I would’ve been there for you! So would Takeshi!”

 

Yuuri didn't know how long he stared at her. Didn't really know...what he was feeling. He just knew it was something he had a hard time believing then and now. It was too soon for him to feel a release, his heart still mired in the complete surprise. “I really didn’t think you would,” he finally confessed, voice tight with remembered fear and shame. “I mean…look at him. Look at me.”

 

He heard Yuuko sigh heavily, and he nearly recoiled from the pity in her eyes. “I never compared you two back then," she explained softly. "You were Yuuri. He was Takeshi. All I would’ve ever seen was the kind and talented boy I fell in love with. I never would’ve seen someone weak.”

 

He could see how Yuuko was probably a wonderful mother to her girls. He remembered that she had an endless supply of patience, though it was matched by how defensive she could be of those she loved. She was always so kind to him, and knew what to say to make things feel right again when he thought he was slipping down a terrifying slope, and she was honest. “Is that the truth?” he asked quietly, finally looking her in the face.

 

“Of course it is,” she said firmly. “When have I ever lied to you?”

 

“Never,” he replied, starting to realize that he'd gone about this all the wrong way. Still, it didn't change that it had happened, or all that had occurred afterwards. Yuuri knew that no matter what amends he made, his and Yuuko's lives could never return to that. “...You really love Takeshi, don’t you?” Once he would have been jealous as he asked. 

 

But no, he wasn't jealous. He wanted to know if she was happy. If he hadn't broken her heart so badly that it couldn't be put back together again. 

 

She gave a soft laugh and said, “It caught me by surprise, actually. I didn’t think I’d fall in love again, but it happened. I didn’t want to be sad or angry anymore, so I accepted the happiness that came into my life. I’m glad I did. I wouldn’t trade Takeshi or those girls for anything. I don't think of him as second-best.”

 

“I’m glad too,” he said, feeling as though the knots in his stomach were easing. Yuuko was happy. Truly happy. He hadn't done anything to ruin that.

 

And...she forgave him.

 

She actually forgave him. 

 

He heard the words come out of her mouth.

 

Yuuko forgave  _him_.

 

Yuuri was so caught up in that realization that he almost didn't hear her when she asked, “What about you? Takeshi told me about that man with long silver hair that you were with at the festival. He said you looked…like you were in love. Very drunk, but also in love.”

 

Victor.

 

Oh gods,  _Victor_.

 

This changed everything. 

 

For the better.

 

Maybe there was a chance, maybe...

 

He blushed a little when she mentioned Takeshi's observation, still embarrassed by what had apparently happened that night. “I…I don’t remember much about that night, but…” He smiled at her, letting the barest hint of his feelings for Victor color his voice, and it was as though he were starting to really breathe for the first time. “…His name is Victor. He’s been staying with me since winter began, and…”

 

He smiled, inhaling the man's familiar scent all around them. Had he really permeated Yuuri's world that much that Yuuri just had to breathe and feel joy that Victor  _existed_ _?_

 

Yuuko smiled knowingly, happiness sparking in her eyes. “You’re really in love with him, aren’t you?”

 

He wanted to cry knowing that she wasn't angry. That she too wished him well in spite of everything. And he was grateful that she realized Yuuri was in love all on her own, finally putting Yuuri's thoughts out into the universe, giving them life. “…I think I am. I’ve just felt so guilty and like a coward for so long that…I didn’t think I deserved someone like…like him.”

 

That was the crux of it. Yuuri let his poor self-image get the better of him once, and it had made him take the worst decision possible. Maybe he and Yuuko weren't meant to be together, but maybe he didn't have to uproot his life just to get away from his embarrassment. 

 

He could look back. He could learn. He couldn't go back. 

 

...He didn't want to go back. 

 

Maybe he'd made a mess of his past, but...he wanted to hope that he had a future. “I’m sick of sitting here feeling sorry for myself, and…I’m sick of being alone.”

 

He could finally admit it. This was torture, and Yuuri had known it for so long. He  _wanted_ to dance alongside Phichit, and talk to Christophe and Eduard about how his mother had been the one to teach him everything he knew. 

 

He wanted to make his heated dreams about Victor a reality. He wanted a future that had Victor in it.

 

Yuuko stood and walked over to Yuuri's side, coaxing him to his feet and holding his clammy hands in her warm ones. She held his gaze with hers and said with gentle firmness, “You don’t have to keep punishing yourself, Yuuri. I forgive you, and you deserve to be happy. Bring this man home with you. Everyone misses you...and I want you to meet my girls.”

 

When she put it that way it sounded so easy to just follow her out of here, and finally go home. Still, putting that into action was...a little harder. It wasn't as though Yuuri could just pick up where he left off five years ago, and while Yuuko did forgive him, his family were another matter. “Maybe one day,” he said softly, looking at their clasped hands.

 

She didn't press him, nodding slowly and letting go of his hands. “Where is Victor? You mentioned he's been staying with you since the start of winter.”

 

Gods, Victor. How was he even supposed to _begin_ confessing how he felt about him? Swallowing he told Yuuko, “H-he went to the city earlier. I don’t really know when he’ll be back.” Maybe now wouldn't be the best time to tell her that Victor was a Changer, one of many beings they thought were just a myth. No, that would have to be done carefully.

 

Yuuri shivered, though not out of complete fear. He was starting to think as though he were really planning on going back home.

 

Nodding again, Yuuko chewed on her lower lip and said, “I should leave…I was supposed to meet with Mistress Lilia to give her a message from Minako, but she had a lesson and I took advantage of the delay to see if I could find you.” 

 

Yuuri went to open the door for her and watched as she walked out. It occurred to him to ask, "Just curious...Who _did_  tell you where I live?"

 

"A dancer named Phichit. I told him I was a friend of yours," she replied with a smirk.

 

Right. Phichit would have probably put two and two together, especially once he knew that Yuuko learned to dance under Minako. Yuuri laughed softly, suddenly wanting to find Phichit and thank him. Gods, he even wanted to thank Minami Kenjirou for bringing Takeshi to him. “It really was good to see you again, Yuuko,” he said, truly meaning it. “I…I really am sorry about everything, and I am glad that you came—”

 

Then Yuuko wrapped him up in a hug, holding him for many moments while Yuuri stood there, surprised and...happy. Her embrace was warm and wonderful to feel after having denied himself so long. He wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her back tightly, sighing in contentment and deciding he liked this feeling. “Come home, alright?” she whispered close to his ear. “You deserve to be happy and loved.”

 

He had no answer to give her on that subject. There was so much he needed to do and so much he needed to say to Victor. Instead Yuuri said, “Say hello to everyone for me. Let me know if you get back safely.”

 

They parted, holding each other's hands for a few moments longer before letting go, still smiling at each other. “I will," she said. "Promise you’ll come back.”

 

“Yuuko…”

 

“Think about it. This isn’t goodbye, alright?”

 

No it wasn't. That answer came easily. 

 

He shook his head without a word, setting his future in motion for the first time in five years.

 

Yuuko touched his shoulder and squeezed, beaming at him joyfully before turning and walking away. His heart was beating at the way all of the possibilities suddenly appeared before him. He had forgiveness. He didn't have to be alone.

 

She looked over her shoulder with a parting smile before walking back towards the road that led to the city. Yuuri stayed at the door, gazing after her, for a few minutes before sighing and closing the door. 

 

His hand stayed on the door's surface, his gaze stuck on it as his mind kept racing, his world undergoing a sudden change, much like what it had gone through when Victor first slept under his roof. 

 

The terror wasn't the same this time. Yuuri was afraid, but...he was more afraid of being alone.

 

He started laughing, feeling a little crazed but so much happier...yes _happier_  than he'd let himself feel in years. He laughed, loudly, until he couldn't breathe and his stomach started to hurt. He laughed at himself for being such an idiot. He laughed because finally,  _finally_ he could. 

 

It felt wonderful.

 

Yuuri couldn't stop smiling even after he calmed down, sitting on the edge of his bed and letting his thoughts fly away. Yuuko was right; he never needed to run away or isolate himself. He didn't have to keep denying himself basic happiness. 

 

He looked up into the emptiness of the cabin, suddenly needing Victor to return.

 

He needed to tell Victor everything before he left, before he lost his nerve. 

 

No, Yuuri didn't even know where to begin, and he needed to say the right thing. 

 

And there was still the chance that perhaps Victor wouldn't feel the same.

 

Still, he knew that if he stayed silent a day longer the truth would poison him from within. He had to face the fear and uncertainty of what could potentially happen once he said it all. 

 

Maybe,  _just maybe..._

 

He jumped slightly at the rustling noise coming from the spot where his bag lay, and found a tiny gray mouse staring back up at him.

 

Yuuri blinked at it, heart racing as he began to consider that... _Oh, is it actually..._

 

Then it Changed into Victor in an instant, and Yuuri felt his breath catch as everything he wanted to say to him came back in what felt like a whirlwind.

 

“Victor! I thought you were…”

 

He trailed off upon seeing the troubled look on Victor's face and got back on his feet, worried as he heard the shaky breaths the older man was taking. Then he heard him quietly say, “And here I thought you never had visitors.”

 

Shock lanced through Yuuri's heart at the pain lacing Victor's voice. "Were...were you here the whole time?"

 

Victor gave a tight shake of his head, almost holding himself as far away from Yuuri as possible. “No. I was flying back and...arrived in time to see you two standing at the door. I didn’t want to interrupt.” Then he looked at Yuuri, the hurt in his eyes very evident. “She’s very beautiful, Yuuri. You’re a lucky man.”

 

Yuuko. He was talking about Yuuko. Yuuri frowned, not knowing how she had anything to do with the agony radiating from Victor. Whatever this was, perhaps it had to do with his false smiles, and the disquiet between them. Trying to close the distance between them, Yuuri took a step towards him and asked, "Victor, what's wrong? Y-you've been melancholy for days. I'm worried."

 

Victor seemed almost startled by the inquiry, but still didn't take a step towards Yuuri. Instead he gave a weak version of his false smile, thwarted by the way he looked like he was about to cry. “You don’t need to worry about me, Yuuri. I'm just fine.”

 

“Stop that,” Yuuri entreated, clenching his fists anxiously. “I told you that you don’t have to pretend around me, I know you’re upset. Was it something I did? Something I said?”

 

He didn't think before asking, and now had to brace himself for the painful answer. He would probably not even get the chance to tell Victor how he really felt, and how could he if Victor told him that he hated him or wanted to leave him or...

 

Victor shuddered visibly and wrapped his arms around himself, looking everywhere except in Yuuri's direction and looking generally nervous. He then seemed to force himself to finally look at Yuuri, and took a breath before blurting out, “I love you, Yuuri!”

 

The day's surprises were going to end up killing Yuuri. He was sure of it.

 

He could only stare back, not knowing if Victor had actually said those words or it was all just a product of Yuuri's wishful thinking.

 

But there he was, standing there and looking like he was literally holding himself together as he gazed at Yuuri with raw desperation and pain, a living reflection of Yuuri's own restless emotions during these months living with Victor.

 

Gods.

 

He'd actually said it, hadn't he?

 

And Yuuri was just standing there silent, like an idiot, staring at Victor as if expecting him to immediately take his words back.

 

Chest tight with shock, Yuuri asked in hushed tones, “…What did you say…?”

 

Victor blinked rapidly, as if his eyes were quickly filling with tears. And sure enough Yuuri saw bright little droplets clinging to his eyelashes, the sight of them incredibly surprising. The silver-haired man tried brushing his tears away, and repeated, “I love you, Yuuri. I love you, but…But now I know you’ll never feel the same.” He finally gave up and let the tears trail down his face, his gaze trapping Yuuri as he added mournfully, “You still love her.”

 

Yuuri was both terrified and entranced by Victor's tears, but then horror took hold of his heart yet again when the man's words made him realize just what Yuuko's arrival must have meant to him if he was telling the truth about loving Yuuri. "Victor...I don't-"

 

“I'm not enough to make you happy," Victor interrupted, taking a step away from Yuuri and looking at the floor. "Not the way she can. Not the way you deserve.”

 

“Stop,” Yuuri exclaimed, mind and heart in a whirlwind at every word out of Victor's mouth. He actually...He was actually in love with Yuuri? All this time, and Yuuri had been _torturing_ himself with fears that Victor would reject him? And  _he_ was afraid that he wasn't enough to make Yuuri, of all people, happy? He reached over and grasped Victor's arm, breathing rapidly and asking, “How…How can you  _possibly_  think that you’re not enough?”

 

Victor had brought him companionship and laughter and happiness. He'd revealed to Yuuri that he  _could_ fall in love again, and now...now he'd just confessed his own feelings.

 

And he honestly didn't think that Yuuri felt the same?

 

“I overheard you speaking to your friend Takeshi,” Victor told him, and Yuuri felt himself get pulled back to that half-remembered night that had set today in motion. “I know about your relationship with Yuuko.”

 

Yuuri felt cold, knowing he must look as pale as Victor. No no no, just  _what_ did Victor know about it? What was he assuming about Yuuri and Yuuko? Oh, gods...

 

Did Victor believe Yuuri still had feelings for Yuuko?

 

“I didn’t mean to, I was coming back with drinks and I saw how upset you were," Victor explained. "But I heard her name, and I heard that man say that you still loved her…” At that he shut his eyes again, another tremor traveling up his long body, and then he looked at Yuuri again. “You didn’t deny it. That's when I tried to stop listening. Now she's here, and...Yuuri, I've never seen you smile like that. Like when you were hugging her. Well...Only when you were drunk."

 

Gods, no, this was all going wrong. Still holding on to his arm, Yuuri begged for him to listen. “Victor, you have-”

 

Then Victor tore his arm away with a strangled noise, and moved towards the door while Yuuri heart lodged in his throat. “I can’t stay and pretend I don't have feelings for you, Yuuri. I can't see you every day knowing that I can't...” He sighed heavily and shook his head, not bothering to check his tears. “It’s time for me to leave so you can go back to her. Go home, Yuuri. You deserve to be happy.”

 

He pulled the door open and stepped out.

 

Maybe this was Yuuri's punishment for leaving Yuuko behind like that.

 

It would only be just if Victor walked away from him after...

 

...After telling Yuuri that he...

 

 _No,_ Yuuri thought, shaking with fear as he pictured Victor changing into a falcon and flying out of Yuuri's reach within seconds.

 

He couldn't let it happen. Not again.

 

He bolted out of the cabin as fast as he could.

 

Then he thanked every god in existence that Victor was still in human form, easily able to catch up to him and grab him by the arm again. “No! No, Victor! You can't go!” he exclaimed, not letting up on his grip this time.

 

“Let me go, Yuuri!” Victor cried out, stifling his sobs so that he probably couldn't concentrate enough to Change. “You're in love with her, and I can't stand in your way-”

 

“You don’t know what I feel!” Yuuri shouted, taking Victor by the other shoulder and looking right into his tear-filled eyes, recognizing his own pain and fear within them. He smothered his fear of rejection, holding on to the fear that Victor might leave without knowing the truth so he could tell him through the pounding rush of his pulse in his ears, “You don’t know how I’ve  _wanted_  you! How I...”

 

He tried to force himself to keep going, but lost himself in the sudden look of shock on Victor's face, feeling his rigid muscles grow a little lax in his grip. “…How you what, Yuuri?” Victor asked shakily.

 

There was hope, such _hope_ in his voice, and it made Yuuri so happy to hear it that he couldn't just let Victor sink into the fear Yuuri had. “…How I fell in love with you.” He stopped breathing, the fearful part of him shouting at him that he'd done something potentially catastrophic. He didn't care. He held on to the hope in Victor's voice, and added clearly, “I love  _you_ , Victor.”

 

He was still looking down at Yuuri as if what he'd said was too good to be true. “…Really?”

 

He smiled then and Yuuri rejoiced to see that same, beautiful smile he loved to see. All because he'd told him the truth.

 

Then Yuuri's heart fell.

 

No, not the whole truth.

 

Not a truth that might still drive Victor away.

 

Still, Yuuri couldn't commit to this by keeping secrets, and...Victor needed to know. He let him go, preparing himself for his anger and hatred, and spoke through his terror, his voice tight, “Look…I haven’t been home in five years. I'm living here because…because I ran away.”

 

Victor's smile disappeared, though he was still listening as Yuuri continued, heaviness settling into his heart as he admitted everything aloud, “I was selfish. I was embarrassed and a coward and I ran away because I couldn’t look at myself in her eyes after she saw me...having an attack, like…you know.”

 

“Like you had before,” Victor finished for him, realization dawning in his eyes.

 

Yuuri nodded, looking at the ground, feeling an odd lightness that wasn't entirely welcome. “I wanted to marry her...I loved her for the longest time, and she...she loved me too, but I gave her up. I ran away because I was so sure I wasn’t good enough for her." He had to find something to ground himself with, and chose to look up at Victor again, fighting to keep his gaze on him. "Then…I realized…that wasn’t really why I was staying away…Why I never moved on or got close to anyone…It was because I felt so guilty for hurting Yuuko and my family. I didn’t want to face that at all, and just…shut myself away here. I write to them, and they write to me. They just...don't know where I am and they never stopped asking me to come home...”

 

“Oh, Yuuri,” Victor breathed out, reaching up to frame Yuuri's face in his hands. That was when Yuuri finally broke and closed his eyes, his own tears finally escaping and trickling down the backs of the older man's hands. Victor wiped them away with his thumbs, and then brushed his own away before saying, “…I heard that Takeshi fellow tell you that Yuuko forgives you. Maybe it’s time that you forgave yourself.”

 

Gods, he wanted to. He truly wanted to. Sniffling, he held on to Victor's wrists, stroking them to try and calm himself down. "You don't...you don't think I'm disgusting, or..."

 

Victor shook his head with a teary smile. "You made a mistake. We all do. I was a dreaming idiot who left home to explore and almost got killed. No one I love knows if I'm alive or dead." His hands dropped, though they still held on to Yuuri's. "My brother's going to kill me when he sees me again, and I'll deserve it. He didn't need to feel the pain of losing someone he loves again. That's my fault."

 

Yuuri squeezed Victor's hands reassuringly. "But he'll forgive you. He'll be so happy you're alive, he'll forgive you."

 

"Maybe. It'll take him a long time, though..." Then Victor gave Yuuri a tender look that had the latter's heart suddenly racing, and he leaned in to brush his lips across Yuuri's cheek, nuzzling lightly into his tears and saying softly, "You're not evil or unworthy of happiness. You made a terrible mistake, but you have forgiveness."

 

Yuuri felt so warm at the soft touch, closing his eyes and murmuring, “I know that…It’s just so difficult, and I don’t even know where to begin.” He breathed in deeply and pressed a lingering kiss to Victor's jaw, smiling into his skin when he felt the man's surprised little jolt. “What I know for sure is that I love you, and I can’t let you go without you knowing that.”

 

Victor raised his face, giving Yuuri the chance to brush away his remaining tears with his own fingers. He added, “If Yuuko can move on, why can’t I? I loved her and I’m always going to care about her. She’ll always be my first love, but…But I want you to be my last.” He framed Victor's perfect face in his own hands this time. “I can’t make this mistake again. I can’t give you up. I thought I could, but I was wrong. I love you, too.”

 

His eyes fell on Victor's lips, slightly parted as the man took in Yuuri's declaration, and he gently tugged Victor's face to his to kiss him.

 

He almost wanted to weep with joy when Victor inhaled sharply and then sighed contentedly, bringing his hands to Yuuri's waist and then letting them wander up Yuuri's back, heat seeping through the fabric of Yuuri's clothes. “I love you. I love you,” he murmured against Victor's lips, delighting in how Victor chased his lips to capture them again. Though his chest ached with the need to breathe, Yuuri felt as though it were never easier.

 

His hands slowly dove into silver locks, caressing and basking in the impossible softness. Still brushing their lips together to stay connected, Yuuri closed his eyes and breathed steadily as he felt Victor holding him close, surrounding him in heat, and opened his eyes, finding a vivid blush on the man's cheeks.

 

Yuuri could not stop smiling, realizing that the way Victor looked, beautifully dazed, was all because of him. It was a stunning realization and Yuuri drank it in, euphoric and eager as he pressed kisses along the older man's cheek, tasting the salt of his tears. “Stay with me, Victor,” he murmured into his skin, anxiety racing through him as he begged silently, concentrating on his scent around him to stave off every fear and doubt that wanted to crawl into his head.

 

He felt Victor's enthusiastic nodding, and let one of his hands wander low to his chest to feel the quick beats of his heart. “I'll stay with you, I promise,” Victor said softly, pulling Yuuri much closer still. "...Will you be my mate?"

 

Yuuri pulled back slightly, eyes wide with surprise as he stared at Victor. He sounded so fearful when he asked, but here was Yuuri, flabbergasted by the fact that Victor, powerful, mythical, and beautiful, was even asking _him,_ and was very nervous about it. The instant he saw that same fear begin to dawn on Victor's face, Yuuri shook off his hesitation and answered, “Yes…!”

 

Joy flooded Victor's gaze and he pressed their foreheads together, closing his eyes as his hands caressed the sides of Yuuri's face as though trying to memorize every feature. Yuuri too closed his eyes and lost himself in the tender, careful touches. 

 

It could be like this forever. Just holding each other, touching gently and basking in each other's existence. Yuuri could touch and be touched, waking up to the feeling of Victor's fingers in his hair and not to an empty cabin. 

 

Then came a sobering thought, and Yuuri had to wrap his fingers around Victor's wrists. "What about your brother? And Yakov?" he asked, knowing neither of them could afford to be selfish in this. "You can't just leave them behind and forget them. Trust me, it's impossible, and you'll only end up in pain..."

 

Victor drew his gaze again when he started to look away, saying with a smile, "Then come with me and meet them. I'm not going to drag you away from your life here. We can come back whenever you want. I just want to see them and let them know that I'm alive and safe and happy with the man I love."

 

Nerves settled into Yuuri once again at the thought of potentially meeting Victor's family, and that they would probably find him lacking. Especially if they were all as astonishingly beautiful as Victor. And Yuuri couldn't really ask Victor to spend the rest of his life in this isolated place, not when he already had a home to go to. He shrugged, stifling a heavy sigh, and said quietly, "It's not like I have a real life here."

 

"Yes, you do," Victor insisted. "It was just...a very lonely one."

 

It was then that Yuuri gave in to the long-standing urge to bury his face in Victor's chest, sinking into the warmth blissfully as he wrapped his arms around Victor's waist. He sighed contentedly when Victor wrapped his arms over his shoulders. "I'd love to meet them," he murmured. "I want to meet them."

 

"And I want to meet your family."

 

Yuuri tensed and tightened his arms around Victor, trying to relax when the other man amended, "When you're ready, Yuuri. But you really should go back and see them again."

 

He knew Victor was right. Yuuko and Takeshi were right. Mari had been right all along. He couldn't keep hiding, even if he chose to stay here. He needed, wanted to build other friendships, to return Phichit's friendship and banter with Christophe without feeling like he had to close himself off. He couldn't give Victor an answer now, but instead chose to lead him back into the cabin. 

 

Closing the door behind him, Yuuri tried to think of something to say to Victor, trying to ward off his physical desperation as much as possible so he could determine how fast or slow Victor wanted to go. He'd never been with another man, and was suddenly grateful he'd been brave enough to buy some racy novels Christophe kept in stock, blushing and buying at least four books on less pornographic subjects while Christophe gave him knowing smirks. When he gave in to the urge to press his lips against the perfect bow of Victor's mouth, he was surprised when Victor gently held him at bay.

 

Concerned, he looked up at Victor, who said, “I lied to you the morning after the festival.”

 

The morning after. Yuuri tried to remember what Victor had said to them that morning, his memory marred by the discomfort of his hangover. 

 

“You kissed me that night," Victor confessed, and Yuuri's eyes widened further at the words.

 

He couldn't have!

 

...Could he?!

 

Oh, gods, and he'd  _forgotten!?_

 

The older man went on, looking away as his face turned crimson. "First just as we finished our dance together. Then again when I pulled you out of the hall.”

 

Yuuri was screaming inside, mortified.

 

He'd kissed Victor not once but  _TWICE?!_

 

Still, Victor was quick to reassure him, "Nothing else happened. You fell asleep as soon as I started carrying you back here and I put you to bed. The reason I was outside that morning was...because...I wasn't sure if you were kissing me or..."

 

Yuuri was still trying to process everything when Victor trailed off, cursing his inebriated self for acting like an idiot. Not only had he made a fool of himself dancing, but he'd kissed Victor the way he'd been yearning to for weeks, in front of so many people. He cursed himself further for not being able to remember it, to somehow commit it to memory. Or perhaps it had been so awful that it was best that Yuuri forgot it. And they'd been dancing  _together?!_ Which bloody dance was it that Drunk Yuuri's immediate thought was to kiss his attractive partner?!

 

And then Yuuri had the audacity to pass out in Victor's arms while the man was carrying him home. He wanted to die. He'd made such a mess of things, and...

 

He dared to glance at Victor and saw the disquiet on his face, and Yuuri remembered what he'd been saying about not knowing whether or not Yuuri was kissing him or...

 

It fell into place. Victor thought Yuuri had been thinking of Yuuko when he'd kissed him.

 

“And…after you heard everything Takeshi and I…” Yuuri sighed heavily, needing to rub his hands over Victor's arms reassuringly. It was no wonder Victor had been acting so strangely, distancing himself while Yuuri wondered at the reason why. It was no wonder he thought he had to leave if he hadn't heard the entirety of Yuuri's conversation with Yuuko. He pressed a kiss to the corner of Victor's mouth and said, “I love you. I love you, alright? I’ll say it every single day, and I’ll prove it. Please don't keep these things from me."

 

"I won't. I promise," Victor said with a sheepish and apologetic smile. "Life probably would've been easier if I had just said something the next morning, but I was too afraid of finding out that you were still in love with her."

 

Yuuri gave a soft, bitter laugh of his own. "Well, I didn't exactly make it easy for you to talk to me either." Knowing that they'd both been foolish in this regard was a little comforting. Still, Yuuri didn't know what to make of the revelations about that night with Victor, and of those kisses he'd forgotten. 

 

But he did want to keep kissing Victor. 

 

So he did. 

 

He watched Victor's eyes flutter closed when he pressed their lips together, heat blooming in his chest at the enthusiastic way Victor returned the kiss, though it did feel a little inexpert. Yuuri didn't care, happy to move against those soft lips at his own pace, luxuriating in the soft, happy noises of pleasure Victor let out when Yuuri ran his tongue over the seam of his mouth.

 

He tore away, smiling playfully and giggling softly at the look of desperate yearning on Victor's face. 

 

His laughter turned into a surprised yelp when he lost his footing and started falling backwards, but Victor rapidly shot forward to catch him, twisting around so he landed on his back with a grunt with Yuuri safely on top of him.

 

In an instant the shock passed and then they were both laughing raucously, wrapped around each other on the floor. Catching his breath, Victor looked up at Yuuri and asked, "Are you alright?"

 

"Me? I landed on top of you!" Yuuri exclaimed, more worried about Victor than himself. "I must be heavy..." He started to shift away but Victor held on to him, a hand diving into Yuuri's hair and tugging him back into a messy kiss that had Yuuri shivering with pleasure as he straddled the older man. 

 

He keened into Victor's mouth when his hand found its way to Yuuri's rear, squeezing and moaning with pleasure when Yuuri rolled his hips against him.

 

They paused, just a breath away from each other and staring into each other's flushed faces. Victor looked just as eager as Yuuri felt, panting through his mouth and his eyes moving all over Yuuri's face. 

  

Victor licked his lips anxiously and asked quietly, "Will you lie with me, Yuuri?"

 

Yuuri nodded, losing his breath to the thought of sleeping with Victor, and not only in his dreams. He sat up, blush intensifying and heart thudding when he felt Victor's erection brush against his ass, and started to tug his shirt off. He slowed when he thought of how plain he looked next to Victor. So far he'd done his best to keep his body hidden from Victor's eyes, even though he was very familiar with Victor's body from having helped him bathe. He set his shirt aside, about to instinctively cover himself with his arms, but Victor stopped him with a hand on the back of his, eyes greedily taking in the sight of him as he breathed, “So beautiful…”

 

“No I’m not…Not like you,” Yuuri murmured, shying away even though Victor's words had his heart racing so damned hard.

 

“Yes you are,” Victor said firmly, pulling his own shirt off and making Yuuri sigh with longing at the sight of his body. He got to his feet, offering a hand to Victor to pull him up and lead him towards the bed, not wanting to remain on the dusty floor for this. Victor all but tugged him on to it, nearly knocking their heads together before Yuuri regained his balance and kissed him again as they laughed, tentatively running his hands over the Changer's heated skin. 

 

He slid their tongues together as Victor moaned softly when Yuuri's hands moved lower, close to his trousers, and he pulled back to whisper against those tempting lips, "Can I touch you?"

 

Victor exhaled shakily, biting back whimpers as he nodded.

 

Swallowing, Yuuri closed his eyes and slid his fingers across Victor's belly, lips quirking up in pleasure at the way the man's muscles twitched in anticipation along with his shuddering breaths. Yuuri pressed a soft kiss to Victor's bottom lip as his hand slowly dove down the front of Victor's trousers, finding its way to the man's twitching cock.

 

Yuuri only had time for one shaky stroke up the slick length before Victor gave a shout and clutched Yuuri's shoulders, hard, as he spilled himself all over Yuuri's hand.

 

Oh.

 

Oh, that felt good.

 

That felt so good.

 

Yuuri had only needed to  _touch_ him to make him come.

 

He was frozen atop Victor, his hand still in the man's trousers, watching the remnants of bliss on the man's face. Gods, he was beautiful to watch, especially as his blush spread all over his body. Then those blue eyes opened and Yuuri could see embarrassment rise within them just before Victor's hands left his shoulders to instead cover his face. "...Oh, Gods," Victor moaned miserably. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to finish so quickly..."

 

A sense of protectiveness surged within Yuuri at the sight of Victor looking so mortified. Did he think Yuuri was upset about this? Gods, that truly wasn't the case! He wiped his hand clean on the sheets, knowing they were going to need to be washed after this anyway, and gently pried Victor's hands away.

 

"Victor, it's fine. Look at me," he urged him softly, kissing the backs of his fingers soothingly. "It's alright. That's happened to me too." It was true, he'd been an overeager mess the first time with Yuuko, falling apart with a single rock of her hips against him. It had been so embarrassing even though Yuuko had been understanding and patient , letting him touch and kiss her until he grew hard again. He tried to figure out what he could say to make Victor feel better without making it sound like he was pitying him, even though Yuuri was still surprised it had happened. “...Look, I’m probably not going to be the best lover you’ve ever had…I mean this isn't my first time, but I’m not going to act like that makes me a-an expert on anything," he babbled, starting to regret opening his mouth. "After all, you're still the first man I've ever been with, so this is a little new to me too...”

 

“You’re the only lover I’ve ever had,” Victor said with an embarrassed pout.

 

Yuuri fell silent, gaping at Victor. That was...unexpected. “...This is your first time?” Yuuri asked, still holding Victor's hands in his.

 

Victor nodded twice, biting his lip uncertainly and adding in a rush, "You're also the first person to kiss me."

 

Oh, _fuck_. And today's kisses hadn't been the first, Yuuri remembered as his heart sank. No, Yuuri didn't even remember those other kisses, and he hated himself for it. He squeezed Victor's hands guiltily and muttered, "...And I was drunk when I did it." Gods, Victor deserved much more than what had undoubtedly been a sloppy, drunken kiss.

 

Victor seemed to sense his inner turmoil, finally looking up at Yuuri and insisting through a vivid flush, "It was a good kiss, Yuuri! I nearly fainted!"

 

Yuuri let out a soft, slightly bitter laugh, and then looked down at Victor again, who was gazing up at him adoringly. At least he'd lost consciousness before trying to take things further. Still, he dove back down to kiss Victor hungrily, relishing the strangled moan the older man let out. Needing to breathe, Yuuri pulled away, pressing his forehead against Victor's and gazing down at him. "I'm going to make up for it. I promise."

 

Victor said nothing, craning his neck up to press their lips together again, running shaking hands over the length of Yuuri's back. Pausing for breath again, Yuuri brushed their noses together and wondered aloud, “Do Changers not…sleep with anyone who isn’t their mate?”

 

“They do," Victor replied, running his fingers up and down between Yuuri's shoulder blades. "I just decided to wait until I met mine. It's the wolf in me," he said with a smile. "Wolves mate for life. Didn't you know?"

 

Yuuri laughed softly. He had, actually. Victor went on reflectively, "I’ve...tried courting once or twice, hoping someone would turn out to be my mate, but things didn’t work out.”

 

“…Did it hurt when they didn’t work out?” Yuuri asked softly, brushing their lips together briefly and aching at the thought of Victor being so closed off.

 

Victor shook his head. “No, not really. I wasn’t ever…completely myself around them. I was so sad and felt...an emptiness but I never wanted to express that to anyone. I thought I’d drive them away." He sighed and closed his eyes, head falling back onto the pillow. "I've never said that to anyone. Not even Yakov.”

 

Yuuri nuzzled his cheek with a soft hum of understanding. Ironic that Victor was terrified of doing what Yuuri had done so efficiently for five years. “You won’t drive me away, alright? I love you,” he whispered, blushing as he said it. He sat up, smiling at the little whine of disappointment Victor gave, and gave his trousers a little tug. "Take those off. It's going to start feeling uncomfortable in another minute."

 

He lifted himself off of Victor to give him room, busying himself with removing his own trousers all while feeling his own face turn scarlet at the thought of what was happening. He couldn't pretend anymore confidence than he felt in this regard, but he did care about Victor and wanted to make this good for him.  

 

Once they were both naked Yuuri laid down next to Victor and took a moment to breathe, trying his best not to curl into himself. Then he was back in Victor's arms, the other man kissing him enthusiastically while he carded his fingers through Yuuri's much shorter hair, like it was as beautifully lush as his. Victor learned quickly, flicking his tongue into Yuuri's mouth and drawing excited little moans from his throat. 

 

Their bodies pressed much closer together, legs tangling together and Yuuri's erection dragging over Victor's skin and making him hiss at the sensation. Then Victor was on top of him, tongue drawing a firm line over Yuuri's throat as he threw his head back over the pillow, moaning as the clutched Victor's shoulders in desperation much like the silver-haired man had clutched his earlier. Curious hands roamed over his body, a gentle touch over his cock making him buck up with a grunt as he clutched the sheets beneath him to get himself under control so he could enjoy Victor's hand tentatively stroking his length, thumb circling his slit and drawing out pre-come.

 

Yuuri nearly threw an arm over his face, biting his lip to stifle the more embarrassing noises as Victor's hand and heated gaze wound him up so much tighter. He melted when Victor hungrily licked into his mouth, shuddered out a moan as Victor's tongue, lips, and teeth mapped his front before he sucked a nipple into his mouth. Yuuri choked back a cry as he arched up towards Victor's mouth, so close to the edge as that hand gave a lovely twist that nearly made him fall apart.

 

“Wait…Wait, Victor, wait,” Yuuri gasped out, gripping Victor's hair to carefully draw him away from his chest. He mourned the loss of Victor's hand around him, but breathed as deeply as possible to steady himself, swallowing as he gazed up at Victor's concerned face.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asked, his hair falling over them like a silver curtain.

 

Gods, it hurt to look at him. He was so beautiful, and Yuuri fell silent in the face of it. He almost forgot what he needed to say, and had to run his fingers through his hair to ground himself, still breathing hard. He pointed one of his shelves, closing his eyes and stammering out, "O-on that shelf there...There's a bottle of oil with a sprig of lavender on the stopper. Can you bring it to me?”

 

Victor flushed brightly and nodded before stepping off the bed, Yuuri's gaze running over his long, beautiful body, catching sight of his erection and the perfect roundness of his ass. He bit his lip again at the delicious tension rolling through his body, coiling in his lower belly as he stayed on that precarious edge, grateful for his endurance.

 

Placing the bottle in Yuuri's hand, Victor kept his eyes on him, as though waiting for him to tell him what else to do. Yuuri unstoppered he bottle, letting the floral scent waft between them as he poured a generous amount of oil onto his fingers. He handed the bottle to Victor, closing his eyes and spreading his legs to bring his shaky hand between them.

 

He blushed and turned away at Victor's sharp inhalation, feeling the bed shift as he moved closer over Yuuri as he teased his opening, and he swore he heard a pleased purr from the older man. He'd done this to himself before, used to the temporary discomfort and sting of the stretch. Growing warmer at the awareness of Victor's aroused gaze on him, Yuuri fidgeted as he added a second finger, the angle a little awkward to work with.

 

He gave a tiny jolt when he felt Victor's fingers, warm and slick with oil, traced his inner thigh. He opened his eyes to meet Victor's, heart beating hard at the lust he could see in those blue depths. "Can I do that for you?"

 

Yuuri nodded with a shudder, holding a quiet noise in the back of his throat when he took his finger out. "Start...start with two...slowly."

 

Victor obeyed, fingers carefully tracing Yuuri's rim as the younger man breathed and tried to get used to the feeling of someone else touching him there. Slowly, Victor sank his fingers into him, moving carefully as Yuuri kept his eyes closed, trying to relax as much as he could with the minute spread of the man's fingers. 

 

At one moment Victor's fingers brushed against a spot that had Yuuri tightening around him with a gasp, pleasure racing through his body. Victor froze, staring down at Yuuri with concern, but Yuuri, shaking with bliss, nodded at him and said, "It's good. It felt good there...Three now."

 

Victor withdrew his fingers, pouring more oil onto them before gently adding the third finger inside of Yuuri, his eyes glued to Yuuri's face as he patiently rocked his hand into him. He found Yuuri's prostate on purpose this time, making him moan into the back of his hand at every agonizingly wonderful press of Victor's fingers inside him. He didn't notice that he'd spread his legs wider or that he was rolling his hips to meet Victor's hand, too caught up in pleasure yet again, almost failing to hear Victor's own desperate moan.

 

“Alright…Alright, I’m ready,” he breathed out, legs shaking with tension. When he opened his eyes, Victor had drawn his fingers out, breathing hard as he slicked his hard length with oil. 

 

Yuuri started to turn around, shaking with anticipation, when Victor placed a firm hand on his hip to stop him. "I wish to see you, Yuuri."

 

Staying on his back, Yuuri kept his eyes on the undulating curves of Victor's long body as he moved over him, tucking his hair behind an ear as he settled between Yuuri's legs, both of them hissing when their cocks dragged against each other.

 

Running his hands up Victor's strong back, Yuuri took his time exploring the tantalizing dips and curves as Victor kissed him once again. Yuuri shut his eyes with a little gasp when Victor slowly started to enter him, reminding himself over and over to relax, to not make this more uncomfortable than it needed to be.

 

He felt himself twitch around Victor's length as the older man moaned breathlessly above him. Yuuri tried to be careful not to sink his nails into Victor's back, breathing through his cautious movements inside of him. 

 

He opened his eyes, feeling dazed by the enraptured blue gaze above him as Victor pulled out and thrust back in, pushing out quiet moans from Yuuri. When Victor once again brushed against his prostate, Yuuri breathed against his parted lips, “ _Gods…_ Victor…Victor…”

 

Victor answered with a moan, thrusting faster as he sealed their lips together, swallowing Yuuri's frantic moans as he hit his prostate with each hard pump of his hips. The room filled with the sounds of his and Victor's pleasured moans and the slap of their skin coming together.

 

Before Yuuri could think to wrap a hand around his cock, Victor's hand beat him to it, stroking tenderly and dipping his thumb into the weeping slit. Yuuri gasped and clutched Victor closer, moaning brokenly into his silver hair as he finally spilled between them, losing himself in the intense pleasure as his body mindlessly arched against the body above him and his legs wrapped tight around Victor's still-moving hips.

 

His mind still swam when Victor released inside of him with a pleased growl, thrusting three more times before his body finally sagged, though he stopped himself from falling on top of Yuuri heavily.

 

Yuuri greedily panted for breath, legs and arms falling away from Victor as he fell back on his bed, his muscles twitching with remnants of pleasure he felt Victor kiss and nip at his jaw and suck at the side of his neck. He sighed when Victor carefully pulled out of him, hands automatically falling to the man's silver locks as the man's tongue swept over his body, cleaning the spend from his skin with soft, contented hums.

 

His heart kept beating, though it was not with the desperation of the last hour. No, his heart beat with love and disbelief, still waiting for the gods to take this away from him, 

 

He didn't notice how many moments passed, or that he'd covered his eyes as he breathed shakily, trying to keep himself from weeping. He felt Victor's hand gently wrap around his wrist, and he moved his hands away from his face, looking up at Victor's worried face. “…Yuuri? Talk to me, love.”

 

He loved him. Victor loved him. He held on to that, fighting to keep his anxieties at bay. “It’s just…It’s stupid,” he murmured tiredly, greedily gazing at the man in his bed.

 

“Tell me,” Victor said with a soft smile, eyes on Yuuri's face.

 

Biting his lip, Yuuri looked away, cursing his doubts. “…Do I deserve to be  _this_  happy?” he asked quietly.

 

Victor leaned down to kiss his forehead, letting his lips linger for a long moment as he nuzzled into his hairline, murmuring. “Yes, you do.” With another kiss he looked down at Yuuri again, and asked, “Do  _you_  want to be happy?”

 

Yuuri stroked the side of Victor's face with his hand, thumb following the shape of his cheekbone. “It’s what I’ve always wanted. And I want it with you,” he replied with a smile, easing the ache of his heart as his hand curled over Victor's nape, pulling him down for a long kiss.

 

* * *

 

_We’ll light up the sky, we’ll open the clouds_

_‘Cause baby, tonight, we’re beautiful now…_

 

* * *

  

Yuuri awoke with his face crushed against his pillow, trying to hold on to sleep. He frowned at the remaining soreness in his hips and and his nakedness, burrowing further into his blanket and the warm spot on his bed. Hadn't he been practically wrapped in warmth earlier? 

 

He bent one knee, sighing and smiling a little at the memory of that warmth and all that had come before it. 

 

His hand wandered across the mattress, finding it empty.

 

He froze as fear trickled through him as his eyes shot open, then he rapidly sat up, ignoring the ache spreading across the lower half of his body, turning around and terrified that he'd been right all along, that Victor wasn't going to stay after all-

 

He jumped in shock when he saw Victor, wearing only his trousers and standing by the table, putting a bowl of porridge on it close to a second bowl. His hair was tied in a loose braid down his back, swinging with each of his movements.

 

Oh gods.

 

He was still here.

 

Yuuri heaved a sigh of relief at the same time that Victor looked at him, eyes widening with joy as he beamed. "Good morning,  _solnyshko!"_  

 

His heart just kept beating frantically, fear still giving him not quarter as he took in the sight of Victor in his cabin. The man made his way to him and Yuuri had to place a hand on his chest in an attempt to calm his heartbeat. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Victor's smile faded as he seemed to take in Yuuri's anxious state. "Are you alright? Are you in pain, my love?"

 

No. No he wasn't. Yuuri had to remember that, leaning into Victor's body and still ignoring the twinges of protests his body gave. He didn't remember sleeping so well in the past five years, but an instant of doubt was eroding yesterday's good mood. Inhaling deeply, Yuuri hid his face beneath Victor's chin, inhaling his scent and trying to relax once again. "I thought you were gone," he admitted quietly, relief trickling into his heart when Victor wrapped his arms around him. "I didn't feel you beside me, and..." He blushed, feeling ridiculous for being so paranoid.

 

"I'm sorry," Victor murmured into his hair, running a hand up and down Yuuri's back. "I didn't mean to worry you. I wanted to get breakfast ready for you."

 

Yuuri lifted his face, smiling up at Victor sheepishly. "You're not going to spoon feed me again, are you?" After taking his sweet time helping Yuuri clean up (spending an undue amount of time on his thighs, thoroughly stroking and massaging, while Yuuri hid his crimson face in his pillow), Victor had insisted on making dinner and feeding him well, "like any good mate worth their spit would." 

 

Yuuri hadn't thought Victor meant it literally, still the tiniest bit embarrassed by how Victor had hand fed him morsels of meat all while he protested weakly. Victor, however, hadn't been embarrassed at all, smiling all the while and periodically pressing kisses to Yuuri's cheek and neck. 

 

Eventually both their plates were empty and Victor was kissing him again until they were just lazily writhing against each other, Yuuri taking his time touching and marking Victor's skin as surely as Victor had marked his.

 

And sure enough when Yuuri peered down at himself he found plenty of marks littering his body, and winced at the thought of the ones on his neck just as Victor replied, "Maybe!" He bent his head to kiss Yuuri's forehead, and asked with a hint of seriousness in his voice, "Are you sure you're alright?"

 

Yuuri merely nodded, not wanting to sour a lovely morning with his own insecurities. He just let Victor hug him a little tighter, not wanting to get pulled into thoughts of Victor leaving him.

 

Once he was a little calmer and fed, washed, and clothed, Yuuri realized he was procrastinating a little as he counted all of the newly-occupied bottles and jars set up on the table. Yes, he was glad Victor had told him what had gone on the night of the festival, but knowing all of it made having to go to the city to do his shopping all the more terrifying.

 

So far everyone who'd been in the hall for his and Victor's little performance knew that Yuuri could dance and that he and Victor were probably more than friends. 

 

If they could see how Victor was currently draped over his back, arms loosely encircling his neck, their suspicions would be confirmed. "Is it time to pay Christophe a visit then?" Victor asked, warm breath ghosting over Yuuri's ear.

 

"Unfortunately," Yuuri murmured. "I really hope you were telling me the truth about no one laughing at me."

 

Victor gave a little grunt. "I  _was_. Besides, if anyone did laugh I'd kill them."

 

"Not helping."

 

"Sorry."

 

"It's just..." Yuuri sighed and leaned back into Victor, chewing on the inside of his cheek with apprehension. "A month ago I was just a hermit to everyone, selling medicine and creams and healing when I could. Now I'm the man who gets drunk at parties, dances with his guest before kissing him, and doesn't even have the decency to remember it the next morning."

 

Victor hummed thoughtfully, nuzzling into Yuuri's hair while the shorter man closed his eyes and let himself enjoy the attention and gentle touches. It was still astonishing that Victor wanted to give every bit of himself to someone like Yuuri like this, but then again Yuuri had seen the wonder in those blue eyes and felt Victor's body respond so readily to each of his touches.

 

He smiled to himself, tucking that bit of information away for later. Then Victor said, "You're still going to have to go eventually, Yuurichka. You can't hide out here forever, you know that."

 

It was a gentle reminder but Yuuri still tensed at the thought of just jumping out into the world after running from it for so long. Not everyone would judge him as kindly as Yuuko and Victor had, after all, if they knew how he'd ended up here. 

 

He was terrified. There were a million things he'd rather do than just put himself out there, even if he remembered that Victor loved him and was  _still_  here. "Okay...Okay, let's...let's just go."  _And get it over with_.

 

Victor gave him another squeeze before letting him go and turning him around to face him. "I'm sure it'll be fine. And if it isn't, I'll be right beside you."

 

 _And if it isn't_. That was the part that Yuuri was afraid of.

 

Once they were outside in their cloaks, Yuuri lingered as he made sure the door was locked, then clutched the shoulder strap of his loaded bag with one hand while holding on tightly to Victor's hand with the other. 

 

He didn't say a word, preferring to try and focus on taking one step after the other, though it was a little hard to focus as his mind seemed to want to retreat into itself. It was a wonder he knew where he was going, but then again Victor might have been leading him along.

 

He was vaguely aware of walking through the city gates, and everything came into sharp focus again. Yuuri was practically crushing Victor's hand in his as he waited for the laughter and disdain as they walked through the streets, people walking by them.

 

He kept his eyes on the ground, praying he heard nothing.

 

"Did you want to see Christophe first?"

 

Yuuri glanced up and his eyes widened in surprise. When had they arrived at Christophe's shop? "Y-yes." Swallowing, he led the way inside.

 

Honestly he should have expected Christophe's shrill wolf-whistle once he entered holding Victor's hand. Wincing and blushing, Yuuri glanced up at Victor, who was beaming at Christophe like they were old friends.

 

"The stars of the festival  _finally_ show their faces!" Christophe said with a grin, his cat leaping from the counter to wind herself around Yuuri's legs. "Really, Yuuri, I know you like keeping secrets, but keeping your relationship with your lovely patient a secret from me, your good friend, is completely unforgivable!"

 

"H-hello, Christophe," Yuuri muttered, not responding to Christophe's ribbing. Even in his cloak he felt utterly naked.

 

Victor, however, did reply. "Well, I'm not exactly his patient anymore," he said with a breezy toss of his hair. "Though that  _would_ make for quite the racy story."

 

Yuuri just blushed, quickly putting the contents of his bag on the counter as Eduard entered from the other room. The brown haired man smiled at him in greeting. "Hello, you two! It's good to finally meet you Victor. Christophe hasn't been able to stop telling me about Yuuri's 'mystery man,' as he calls you."

 

The sound that came out of Yuuri's mouth could only be described as a mixture between a bear cub's bleat and a parrot's squawk, but fortunately Victor covered it up with a breezy laugh as he unabashedly pressed his cheek to Yuuri's temple. "It's nice to meet you too, Eduard! I take it you weren't at the festival?"

 

"No, I decided to stay in that night. I enjoy the quiet." He then turned his shrewd gaze on Yuuri, who prayed Eduard would just start taking note of the medicines he'd brought. Unfortunately the gods seemed to be ignoring Yuuri, because then Eduard said, "Christophe also told me that you two made quite the impression that night."

 

"Oh, gods," Yuuri could only murmur, feeling his soul leave his body.

 

"It  _was_ impressive, Yuuri!" Christophe exclaimed, his eyes wide with emotion. "I'd heard of how sensual and tantalizing the  _Eros_ dance is, but sweet breath of the gods, watching you two dance it made me shiver so deliciously! I had to run back home and wake poor Eduard so we could make love!"

 

All color drained from Yuuri's face as he gaped at Christophe, and then at Victor, who was smiling down at him with an exaggeratedly innocent look. 

 

 _Eros_.

 

One of the most sexually suggestive dances Yuuri knew.

 

And he'd danced it with Victor in front of everyone in the hall.

 

" _WE DANCED EROS?!"_ he shouted in disbelief, making Christophe's cat bolt back behind the counter. 

 

"We did!" Victor confirmed sweetly.

 

Christophe added in, "You did! Phichit said he'd never seen Lilia look so impressed! Apparently she demands to know who taught you!"

 

He was dead. He was dead. He was  _dead_. He  _died_. He was dead. "I can't believe this," he moaned miserably.

 

"I'm assuming you forgot about it," Eduard said, finally appearing to take mercy on Yuuri and documenting what and how much he'd brought. "Christophe did say you looked quite drunk."

 

"Which made his dancing three times more impressive," Christophe put in. "If I were as drunk as you were, Yuuri, I would have skipped straight to the kissing. At least you didn't, right?" Then he winked at Victor, who blushed a little before looking at Yuuri.

 

"R-right," Yuuri said, rubbing his temple as his head began to throb. 

 

The rest of the conversation was survivable, at least. Yuuri pocketed his gold and felt a little bit better about things in spite of the new knowledge he'd gained about the festival. Really, what had his drunk self been  _thinking_ , dancing such an erotic dance? It had been one of the last things Minako had taught him, and it managed to stay with him. 

 

After saying their goodbyes, Yuuri let out a relieved breath once he was outside, his grip on Victor's hand easing considerably. "That was..."

 

"Easy?" Victor suggested.

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes. "Definitely  _not_." He didn't know how to describe it, but it was definitely not as terrible as he'd thought it would be. Then he gave Victor's hand a little tug as he narrowed his eyes and said through his teeth, "You didn't mention that we'd danced  _Eros_ , Victor."

 

"Well, I was a little too distracted to worry about those details, Yuuri!" Victor said in his defense, giving Yuuri a sly grin. Then he looked at Yuuri thoughtfully, tapping his lips with his finger and asking, "Who were you in the story, Yuuri? The seducer? Or the beauty the seducer covets?"

 

Yuuri blushed and bit his lip. When first learning the dance it had been difficult to fully immerse himself into one specific role in the dance's story, not confident enough to feel like a seducer _or_ a great beauty. He wondered which role his drunk self had settled on. "Who even knows?" he said with a faint smile as he led the way to the market.

 

"Maybe you're both," Victor suggested.

 

Letting out a soft chuckle, Yuuri turned to gaze at Victor, shining and beautiful. "I could say the same thing about you."

 

He loved being able to make Victor blush. Maybe he  _was_ the seducer.

 

Things still felt rather easy as they walked into the market, though Yuuri was still reticent as he interacted with Sara and Michele. Still, the feeling of nakedness wasn't too bad. He just reminded himself that looking Sara in the eye wouldn't reveal every little thing about him. 

 

He even smiled at her, his chest feeling a little warm at her answering blush. 

 

Then as they made their way through the streets, Yuuri noticed that his and Victor's arms had wrapped securely around each other's waists. 

 

He was very much aware of every step he took, wanting to keep these moments safe in his memory, unaffected by drink. 

 

As soon as they were away from the city, Yuuri felt the tension slowly melt away from his body, still smiling as he practically leaned onto Victor while they made their way back to the cabin.

 

He didn't dread passing through the threshold, knowing it wasn't just him in here anymore.

 

After putting everything on the table, Yuuri turned to face Victor, reaching out to take both of the man's hands in his. He gazed down at them, thumbs tracing every knuckle, and smiled. "You know I was starting to be terrified of spring coming."

 

"And why is that?" Victor asked with a smile that told Yuuri he already knew the answer.

 

Still Yuuri replied, "Because I didn't want to say goodbye to you. I didn't want to admit it, but I was afraid of being alone again. I hated it, but I didn't think I deserved better."

 

Victor was quiet for a few moments, and then said, "I didn't want to leave either. But I...wasn't sure if you felt the same. Maybe you wouldn't want to put up with me in your home for much longer. I am quite loud and clingy and-"

 

Yuuri quickly kissed him, effectively silencing him, and he gazed up at the astonished look on Victor's face.

 

Gods, he wanted to keep kissing Victor just to be able to see that face forever. It was so unbelievable that Yuuri had been the first to kiss those perfect lips, and he knew he would never stop feeling guilty for being drunk when he'd done it and then forgetting it afterwards.

 

But he was completely sober now, and he wanted to know everything about those forgotten kisses. He held Victor's blue gaze and said quietly. "Show me how I kissed you that night."

 

He loved watching the slow spread of color across Victor's face, the older man exhaling in surprise as he looked down at Yuuri, swallowing visibly and entwining their fingers together. "We were standing like this," he explained quietly, reaching for Yuuri's other hand and placing it at his nape. "And you pulled me towards you like this." He leaned in and pressed his lips against Yuuri, brief and close-lipped.

 

Yuuri nodded once before pulling Victor back again, drawing a surprised grunt from the silver-haired man as he moved his lips against his. He felt Victor's hand squeeze his repeatedly and he squeezed back. Drawing away, Yuuri took in the breathless look on Victor's face, and once again wondered at how responsive the man was. "Gods...What else?"

 

He was becoming addicted to every shaky little breath Victor took as he searched for an answer. "...When we were outside you put your hands in my hair like this." Then he drew Yuuri's other hand into his nape, though he didn't need much coaxing to bury his fingers in his abundant hair. "And you kissed me like you were starving for it," Victor added, hands dropping from Yuuri's wrists. "Like you wanted to devour me."

 

Yuuri tightened his grip on Victor's hair before sealing their mouths together again, tongue delving into the other man's mouth as he thought that yes, he did want to devour Victor like this. Make him a pliant, flushed, moaning mess. And yes, Victor was moaning into his mouth with every stroke of his tongue, every little tug Yuuri gave his hair. Pulling away, Yuuri panted out, "Keep going."

 

Victor looked weak with desperation, as though Yuuri's hands were the only things keeping him upright. He glanced away very briefly, face completely red at this point, and then he replied, "Then you...you said I tasted good. And you...started kissing my neck..."

 

He trailed off and Yuuri obliged, sealing his lips over the side of Victor's long neck and eagerly sucking at the skin, murmuring, "You do taste good." He ran his tongue over that heated skin, biting more marks onto it as Victor whined and shook, and Yuuri realized the man wasn't touching him. Licking the shell of Victor's ear and nipping his earlobe, Yuuri asked hoarsely, "Where were your hands?"

 

Victor had to take several breaths before replying, "I-I was trying not to touch you. I had to push you away but you were making that rather difficult..."

 

And indeed Victor's hands were at Yuuri's sides, trembling as they resisted the need to touch him. It was Yuuri's turn to blush then, heart racing at the thought of Victor holding himself back even when Yuuri was making an utter fool of himself. "You can touch me," he said before he teased at the bruising skin of Victor's neck with his teeth. Victor groaned and one of his hands immediately reached down to grope Yuuri's rear, pressing them much closer together. Yuuri moaned into Victor's skin as their hips rocked together slowly, the older man's other hand delving into Yuuri's shorter hair and gripping it tightly. He tugged Victor towards the bed, twisting them around so the backs of Victor's knees hit the edge of the bed, making him break the kiss as he sat down with a soft 'oof'. Yuuri kept staring down at his disheveled state, his fingers having turned the silver braid into a mess, and started to undress, pulling his shirt off and tossing it aside. "Then?"

 

Victor reached for him, tugging him closer by the waist and greedily covering his torso with long licks and gentle bites, all while Yuuri finally undid his braid, fingers stroking down the length of his hair. "You s-said I smelled good," Victor said, voice slightly muffled by Yuuri's skin as he tugged his trousers down.

 

Deciding he'd had enough of seeing Victor in his clothes, Yuuri started taking his shirt off, laughing along with Victor at their matching desperation. "You do, you really do," Yuuri remarked, burying his face in Victor's hair and shivering as the man took hold of his erection and started stroking him slowly. "I smell it everywhere now..."

 

Victor looked up at him, a little sheepish as he kept moving his hand steadily. "I think I might've been inadvertently scenting the place. It happens when we start to think of a place as home." 

 

Yuuri smirked at the shy look Victor was sporting, heart soaring at the thought of Victor thinking of Yuuri's unimpressive refuge as home. "That's...gods," he breathed, biting his lip as pleasure raced up his spine when Victor thumbed his slit. "What else did I do?" he asked as he pressed Victor down onto the mattress, foregoing the bliss of the man's hand for a moment so he could take Victor's pants and boots off, tossing away his own afterwards.

 

Tugging Yuuri into his arms, Victor whispered against his lips, "You were moving against me...That's when I pushed you away. I didn't want you to do something you'd regret. Especially if...if you were thinking about someone else."

 

Gods, did he want to go back and stop himself before having that first drink. "I was most definitely thinking about you," he said, kissing Victor softly and stroking his hair. "Gods, I've even dreamed about you..."

 

He blushed harder at admitting it, but it was worth seeing how much brighter Victor's eyes became as they gazed up at him. "Like...like this?" he asked, quiet and begging.

 

"Yes," Yuuri replied, kissing Victor again and gently thrusting, his cock sliding against Victor's while they both sighed into each other's mouths. Yuuri felt Victor's legs spread beneath him, knees bracketing his body on either side. He bit down on one of the marks he'd left last night just to feel Victor arch up against him.

 

Those long, lovely legs wrapped around him, and Yuuri felt another bolt of pleasure race through him at the thought of watching Victor, strong, beautiful, remarkable Victor, writhe underneath him in ecstasy. He stroked Victor's cheek, his heart pounding with a mixture of nerves and anticipation, wanting to make this as memorable as possible for Victor. Those eyes opened and fell on him, utterly trusting, and Yuuri asked, "Do you want to try it like this?"

 

Victor glanced at their bodies, his own practically wrapped around Yuuri's, and gave another shuddered exhale as he nodded enthusiastically. "Please..."

 

Yuuri had to stay still for a moment, unable to stop taking the sight of Victor in. Yet another moment he wanted to hoard away, as if this was just temporary. He shook the thought away, wanting to make this as perfect as possible, and reached for the bottle of oil next to one of the legs of the bed. He watched how Victor's lips trembled as he poured the oil onto his fingers, and could feel himself tremble as well. He reached between Victor's splayed legs, watching him twitch as his slick finger grazed his balls, and pressed his finger against his entrance. Victor gasped as his legs tensed, eyes wide as they stared at Yuuri, who froze for a few moments before he was sure that he wasn't hurting Victor.

 

Slowly pushing in further, Yuuri kept his eyes trained on Victor's face, watching every wrinkle of his brow and listening to every soft whine. When he pressed two fingers inside and crooked them up, the reaction was instantaneous. Victor threw his head back and moaned raggedly, drops of precome falling onto his stomach as he bucked against Yuuri's fingers.

 

So responsive. Yuuri kept stroking against that spot, addicted to watching Victor fall apart with just fingers inside of him. He idly wondered if he'd be able to make him come like this. Pulling out briefly to pour more oil onto his fingers, he smiled down at Victor indulgently when the man writhed in agonized pleasure, moaning, "Don't stop...Don't stop, Yuuri, please!"

 

Yuuri took his time with the third finger, Victor clawing at the sheets with impatience while Yuuri made sure he was sufficiently stretched. Leaning down he kissed Victor again, sucking his tongue into his mouth and relishing the impatient moans Victor was letting out as his hands buried themselves in Yuuri's hair. 

 

Satisfied that he'd stretched Victor enough, Yuuri slicked his aching length up and settled between Victor's legs. He pressed several feather-light kisses against those trembling lips, flicking his tongue against the tip of Victor's just before he began to push in. Victor's hands tightened almost painfully on his shoulders, and he choked back a moan of discomfort as Yuuri fought to keep himself from just thrusting into him. He was so warm and tight, twitching around him so wonderfully. 

 

" _Yuuri..._ ”

 

Keeping himself under control, Yuuri slid in slowly, still pressing kisses to Victor's cheek to soothe him. He drew back carefully, shuddering at the slide into blissful heat as he rocked into Victor. It had him moaning into Victor's jaw, the man underneath him gasping and letting out little moans every time Yuuri sank into him.

 

Soon Yuuri's cock hit Victor's prostate, and they both cried out simultaneously when Victor tightened. At that, Yuuri sped up his thrusts, hooking one of Victor's legs over his arm to go deeper, increasing the volume of his cries and making him clutch Yuuri's shoulders harder, hard enough that Yuuri was certain he'd bruise. 

 

Yuuri hissed, face buried in Victor's neck as he kept grinding against that spot, rewarded with delicious shouts from Victor. He lifted his gaze, looking down at Victor and drinking in the look of open pleasure on his face as he kept fucking him. He was beautiful, stunning, and so desperate all because of Yuuri.

 

Then Victor's voice broke off in a gasp, and his back arched up sharply as he tightened around Yuuri, releasing between them before Yuuri had a chance to get a hand on his cock. It set Yuuri off too, and he spilled deep inside of Victor as he gasped and moaned against the man's open mouth.

 

When he opened his eyes again Victor was still shaking underneath him. Still buried inside of him, Yuuri gently set down his trembling leg and stroked his sweating forehead with his clean hand. They both jolted with tiny tremors at every small movement as Yuuri kissed Victor languidly, holding him through the tiny aftershocks.

 

Victor slowly blinked up at him, dazed as he wrapped his arms loosely around Yuuri's neck and held him close. Yuuri, thinking of the spend between them, halfheartedly protested in a hoarse voice, "I'm still inside you. I have to clean us up."

 

Shaking his head with a soft whine, Victor merely held him tighter. Yuuri sighed and settled into the embrace, smiling against Victor's warm skin and pressing many more kisses onto it. It took him a moment to realize that the sound he was hearing was Victor purring contentedly as his fingers stroked soft trails up and down Yuuri's back.

 

* * *

 

_We belong together_

_Like the open seas and shores..._

 

* * *

 

There was silence and there was quiet. 

 

Yuuri had spent five years shrouded in silence.

 

Today, however, was different.

 

It was quiet. Peaceful. 

 

Best of all it wasn't completely terrifying at every moment.

 

There were times when the quiet felt too much like silence, and a panic attack had Yuuri huddled in a ball one afternoon when he was alone, copying an old set of notes, and Victor was hunting. It had been awful and he hadn't hidden it well when Victor returned, but the mere fact that he'd returned helped Yuuri begin to calm down, in spite of the lingering embarrassment.

 

It had been a week since that incident and the quiet wasn't unwelcome, even if he was, at the moment, by himself. It wasn't quite the same feeling as being alone.

 

He was by the river, listening to the sound of the flowing water, reminding him of the stretch of stiff limbs after a period of inactivity. He smiled at the recollection of a particularly memorable morning a fortnight ago when Victor pulled off his clothes, declaring that he was aching for a proper swim. Yuuri watched him break through a thin film of ice with a slight wince, though it apparently didn't seem to bother him much. Then he tried coaxing Yuuri into joining him to the point where he was practically chasing him, still naked and dripping with cold water.

 

Yuuri remembered laughing as he ran, and laughed still. 

 

He turned at the sound of rustling leaves watching the wolf's silver head appear, blurry and still too far away to see clearly, and he carried a rabbit in his jaws as his eyes twinkled victoriously. Yuuri chuckled softly at him, the glow in those blue eyes intensifying at the sight of Yuuri's pleased smile. Setting the rabbit nearby he laid his head down on Yuuri's lap, and Yuuri started running his fingers through Victor's fur as he whined contentedly.

 

Victor was giving him time, Yuuri knew that. Of course, he did sometimes remind Yuuri that they could go to his village whenever he wanted, and Yuuri told him the same in turn. Yet now that Yuuri knew he had the choice, it seemed less terrifying to remain here, in a quiet place only he and Victor knew about. Trips to the city had become more frequent, and Yuuri didn't keep his eyes to the ground as much. He returned greetings and started to enjoy being remembered. He existed in people's minds, and the reassurance was soothing.

 

But he wanted to go home. He wanted and feared it.

 

The message from Yuuko had arrived days after her departure, letting him know she'd returned home safely. 

 

And with it came letters from his parents and Mari, still asking him to return, assuring him that he would always have a place with them.

 

He didn't burn those letters. He read them over and over, branding those reassuring words into his memory. 

 

It all still felt incredibly undeserved.

 

He felt the Change immediately, his hand stroking through soft silver locks, and he looked down and smiled with adoration at Victor's face. The older man closed his eyes in repose, sighing in soft pleasure as Yuuri's fingers swept through his hair. 

 

"You're going to put me to sleep if you keep doing that," Victor breathed, nuzzling Yuuri's knee. 

 

Yuuri shrugged and replied, "It's nice and warm. I could stand to stay out here for another hour."

 

Turning and facing up, Victor inhaled deeply and sighed contentedly. "I love how it smells in the spring. New and green and sweet."

 

"I like it too," Yuuri said. "I never realize how much I miss seeing color until spring rolls around. Then it's like...You walk outside one morning and there are colors  _everywhere_."

 

Even in the city he noticed the change. People moved much faster, creating a blur of activity unhindered by the cold winter temperatures. 

 

"You know what?"

 

"What?" Yuuri asked, looking down at Victor again.

 

Those blue eyes twinkled playfully. "I think Lilia would love to have you as a student."

 

Yuuri couldn't help laughing. The day before they'd gone to the city, and Yuuri finally gave in to the temptation to visit Phichit once his dance class was through. They'd run into the dance mistress as well, and though the intensity of her gaze had made Yuuri nervous, she'd surprised him by telling him his dancing was impressive, though he'd probably benefit from more practice with her. He was glad she refrained from mentioning the fact that he'd been drunk. "You think so?"

 

Victor nodded with absolute certainty. "You and Phichit would be the jewels of her collection."

 

Yuuri did admit it could be fun to dance alongside Phichit. Still, he shook his head. "I'm out of practice, though. I think I'm a better healer than professional dancer at this point."

 

Victor looked at his left arm for a moment and hummed in agreement. "And it wouldn't do to let you get drunk before a performance. It would be counterproductive, especially if you end up kissing your dance partner." He gave Yuuri a sly grin. "So the solution would be for me to become Lilia's student as well, and become your partner!"

 

Despite his blush and mild embarrassment, Yuuri couldn't help but smile at the thought of dancing with Victor, though he imagined himself being stone-cold sober. Drawing small circles on Victor's forehead with his fingertips, Yuuri replied, "You know what? I'm pretty sure she'd take you on. But I'd rather do all the kissing in private."

 

Victor laughed with him, and then things became quiet again after that, Yuuri still looking down at Victor's face as he stroked his forehead. Those blue eyes, belying the drowsiness Victor had expressed, held his own for several moments. "What are you thinking about, Yuuri?" he asked, reaching up to gently graze Yuuri's cheek with the backs of his fingers.

 

Was Yuuri truly so transparent? In the back of his mind he knew they were both delaying things for the sake of the other. Victor wouldn't go home until Yuuri had gone home first, but Yuuri didn't want to keep delaying Victor's own return. He supposed they avoided the subject on purpose, waiting for the other to bend. Deciding to be the first to step into the metaphorical fray, Yuuri sighed and placed his hand on Victor's chest, saying quietly, "You don't have to keep waiting for me. If you want us to go to your village, we can go whenever you want. Spring is here and...I know you've had enough of waiting."

 

Victor's eyes widened slightly in surprise, and he slowly sat up to turn and fully face Yuuri, his gaze perceptive as he took Yuuri's hand in his and asked, "But don't you want to go home too?"

 

He did. He truly did. In all honesty he wanted to go home and find things the way he left them, save for Yuuko, Takeshi, and their girls. He wanted to be sure he had a place there, in spite of his thoughtless actions. "...I do. I know I have to, it's just that..." When Yuuri left home, he was determined that it would be for good, and it had been his choice. Victor had always planned to go back, and staying away for so long had been a result of bad luck that both of them managed to turn around. "Meeting your family's a less frightening prospect right now," he explained. True, he had no idea what sort of welcome Victor's guardian and brother would give him, but he preferred to face them as soon as possible.

 

His gaze had fallen to their joined hands, and he felt Victor's other hand tenderly stroking his face. "No matter what happens, you'll still have me," Victor said softly.

 

"I know that." He did. Nearly every hour he offered a prayer of thanks for Victor's arrival into his life, though he did wish it had been less painful for Victor. Still, Yuuri knew the past couldn't be changed, as much as he'd often wished it could. 

 

He raised his gaze to meet Victor's, and watched him sigh in capitulation. "Alright. If you're really up for it...What if we left in four days? It would give us time to get everything ready, you can speak to Christophe and Phichit before we left..."

 

Yuuri smiled in relief. Finally he'd be able to see Victor home to his family. Yes, they'd return eventually, and Yuuri would have to face his own return, but he could give Victor and his family the peace of mind they haven't had all winter. "Let's do it, then. Let's not keep your family waiting any longer."

 

Victor smiled at him in gratitude, bright and beautiful, and the firmness in his voice didn't quite mask it when he said, "But we're taking  _you_ home as soon as possible."

 

Deciding not to argue that point, Yuuri said, "Alright." He knew Victor was right. At least for a few weeks he wouldn't have to think about his own return too much.

 

Then Victor's eyes filled with tears, and before Yuuri could think to be alarmed, Victor enveloped him in his arms, burying his face in Yuuri's shoulder. His voice was muffled as he said, "Thank you. For my life. For everything."

 

Yuuri felt a sob build up in his chest at the adoring words, and he could only hold Victor silently as he once again considered just how his arrival had changed Yuuri's life.

 

They made their way home, Yuuri unable to keep his eyes off of Victor's hopeful smile.

 

That night they still held each other in bed, talking in hushed voices about their departure and everything they needed to do in-between soft kisses.

 

Yuuri couldn't keep himself from pressing kisses to Victor's skin, rejoicing that Victor wasn't leaving him.

 

It would be fine, and they were together.

 

Every path still remained open.

 

Yuuri fell asleep to that thought, safely wrapped in Victor's arms, his back pressed snugly against the man's chest.

 

His sleep was peaceful, until...

 

“Wake the  ** _FUCK UP, VICTOR!”_**

 

Yuuri bolted awake at the sudden shout, tearing out of Victor's arms as he stared, wide-eyed, at the blond, green-eyed and terrifying-looking youth currently inside his cabin and standing by his bed, looking absolutely _furious_. Recoiling in fear and shock, Yuuri yelled, “Oh,  _GODS!”_

 

Behind him, Victor stirred at the noise, and he too sat up rapidly in alarm at Yuuri's yell. “Yuuri, what’s…?” Then his eyes fell on the figure standing next to the bed, glaring at them both while Yuuri was fervently thanking the gods that he and Victor had had the foresight to  _not_ sleep naked. 

 

Then Victor fell silent, eyes widening in realization as he took in the sight of the stormy-eyed youth before them, and a smile of utter joy appeared on his face. “Yura! You found me!”

 

Yuuri glanced back at Victor and then back at the boy, who was literally growling as he glared at Victor, looking quite ready to explode. Then it began to dawn on him who this was as the boy hissed, “I’ve been looking for you for days! No one knew where the fuck you were for  _months_ , and I find you in some run-down hut with a  _human?!”_

 

Finally regaining his voice, Yuuri asked the boy, “ _You're_ Victor's brother?!"

 

At that, the boy turned his disdainful gaze on Yuuri, who shrank back against Victor at the blast of contempt sent his way. “Was I talking to you?” Yuri hissed at him coldly.

 

At that, Victor wrapped an arm around Yuuri's front, and his smile was tight as he scolded in a firm voice, “Yuri, you’re being very rude to my mate.”

 

Yuri's jaw dropped and he glared at them both in disbelief, while Yuuri flushed and wondered why the gods had to make everything fifty times as hard. Really, he'd been on his way to meet this boy and hopefully make a good impression. Was it necessary for them to meet like this? Yuri's incredulous gaze fell on Victor, and he asked his brother, “…Are you fucking serious?”

 

Now Yuuri was uncomfortable. He really didn't need a teenager reminding him of his fear that Victor could do much better than him. Pushing that thought aside he sat on the edge of the bed, giving Victor room to sit beside him, and asked, “How did you even get in here?”

 

Victor's eyes then glowed with delight and he gave Yuri a smirk as he got to his feet, towering over his brother. "Yura! Did you finally swallow your pride and turn into a mouse?"

 

Blushing profusely, Yuri snarled up at Victor, “Yeah! I turned into a shitty little mouse so I could get in here. Your scent is all over the place and I came in after you.” His blush intensified slightly when he glanced at Yuuri, and he added loudly, “What did you expect me to do? Just sit at home when I had no idea if you were even alive?!”

 

Victor's gaze softened considerably, his smile disappearing as he stared down at his younger brother. “Yura…” Yuuri watched as he hugged the smaller youth, who tensed very briefly before wrapping his arms tightly around Victor's waist.

 

In a few moments he could hear Yuri's quiet, muffled sobs against Victor's chest, the silver-haired man's hands stroking through the boy's hair soothingly. Yuri looked up tearfully at Victor, and demanded,  “What happened to you?! Why didn’t you come home?!”

 

Yuuri could very well remember the agony in Victor's eyes when he first arrived, unrelated to the physical pain he was in. No, that pain was for the brother and father-figure who would worry about him. Gazing down at Yuri with tenderness, he nuzzled into his golden hair and quietly said, “I'll explain everything. I promise. I missed you so much, Yura.”

 

Smiling as he watched them, Yuuri felt relief at Victor finally being reunited with his brother. So yes, he could very easily forgive that his initial introduction to Yuri was less than ideal. He stood and touched Victor's arm, smiling at him when he turned to look at him. Victor smiled back, his eyes filling with fresh tears of joy as he held his brother. Blinking back his own tears, Yuuri quietly said, “Both of you sit down while I get some breakfast ready.”

 

Minutes later Yuuri realized there were only two chairs, and he noticed that Victor didn't sit down, standing next to Yuri while the boy made himself at home, sniffling self-consciously and glaring at the surface of the table while still holding on to Victor's hand.

 

Yuuri eyed Victor and the chair meaningfully as he served them each a plate, but Victor only shook his head, glancing at the chair as though telling Yuuri to take it. Yuuri sighed in exasperation and stubbornly stayed on his feet while he sipped his tea.

 

He winced watching Yuri eat, as though he were inhaling his food. More than once Victor tried telling him to slow down amid laughter, but Yuri just snapped at him and kept shoveling food into his mouth, and Yuuri had a sudden terror of him choking to death. 

 

Still silently refusing to sit down, Victor waited for Yuri to slow down a bit and then asked, “How long have you been looking for me, Yuri? Have you been eating and resting?”

 

Yuri replied through a mouthful, “As soon as the pass was open. I caught mice and birds. Now come on, tell me how you ended up here.”

 

"Does Yakov know where you are?"

 

"I left him a note. Stop stalling, idiot."

 

Victor's lips thinned in disapproval, but he merely sighed and explained quite matter-of-factly, “A hunter shot me down when I was flying close to one of the villages.”

 

Yuuri thought that it had been far more perilous than Victor was making it sound. He then turned his blue gaze on Yuuri, warm and adoring as he added, “Yuuri here found me and saved me before I froze. He treated my injuries and gave me a place to stay until spring.” 

 

Then Yuuri felt the boy's eyes on him, critical and a little intimidating. He said nothing to Yuuri, but then looked up at Victor and asked, "You're serious about this, aren't you?"

 

Yuuri looked away, not wanting his doubt to rear its ugly head or resent Yuri over it. He was just being young and opinionated. Loudly. Suddenly Victor made his way to Yuuri's side, wrapping him up in his arms and holding him close as he beamed and hummed contentedly. "Completely," he said in a dreamy tone, causing a look of disgust to appear on Yuri's face.

 

Yuuri turned red with mild embarrassment, but feeling Victor so close was soothing, and had his heart beating in a wonderful way. "Yuuri and I belong together," he added, practically purring it into Yuuri's ear and making his knees feel weak. 

 

His face crimson, Yuri snarled, " _Stop calling him that! It's weird!"_

 

Blinking down at the boy, Yuuri replied, "But...that's my name?"

 

The boy persisted, pointing at himself with his thumb and saying, "I was 'Yuri'  _first!"_

 

"I'm eight years older than you!" Really? He was going to argue with a fifteen-year-old over their names?

 

Victor looked at his brother thoughtfully, still clinging to Yuuri, and snapped his fingers. "I've got just the thing! Yuri, from now on you're Yurio."

 

" _WHAT THE FUCK!?_ _"_

 

"Don't swear at your older brother, Yurio."

 

_"I HATE YOU!"_

 

"I love you too, Yurio."

 

Yuuri bit his lip to keep from laughing. But gods, it was hard to after five years of having very little reason to laugh. While all this was happening, Yuuri hadn't thought about his silent battle of wills against Victor until he felt the man's hands curl over his shoulders to sit him down into the empty chair with an ease that embarrassed Yuuri. He too glared at Victor, who merely grinned at him smugly.

 

Sighing in defeat, Yuuri started to eat before his food got too cold, sorely tempted to mutter resentfully the way Yurio was. 

 

Even so, Yuri didn't bat Victor's hand away when he placed it on his golden hair. It reminded Yuuri of how one would stroke a cat. "Is the food alright, Yuri?" he asked kindly.

 

"S'good," the Yuri answered, looking as though his eyes were getting heavier as Victor gently stroked his hair. 

 

Within minutes Yuri was snoring in his chair, head lolling forward and threatening to fall into his bowl were it not for Victor's grip on his shoulder. Yuuri clicked his tongue in sympathy, concerned over the fact that Yuri probably hadn't had a good rest in months while worrying about Victor. Much less now when he'd been searching for days, apparently. "He's exhausted. Poor kid," Yuuri commented softly.

 

"Ah, Yura," Victor sighed, gently gathering the sleeping boy in his arms. The movement failed to wake Yuri, who was in a very deep sleep.

 

He looked rather adorable and oddly vulnerable, a far cry from the terrifying youth that had frightened Yuuri out of sleep. "Why don't we let him have the bed? You and I can share that bedroll."

 

Nodding, Victor took his brother to the bed and carefully laid him down on it, Yuri rolling over onto his side and settling in, burying his face in the pillow. 

 

Victor gazed down at him for many moments, reaching down to move his hair out of his face. Then he looked up at Yuuri, smiling at him gratefully before walking over to him and embracing him again. He kissed Yuuri's cheek and softly said, "Thank you for being so kind to him."

 

Yuuri held him tightly, murmuring back, "Of course I'm going to be kind. He's your brother, and he misses you." He pulled back to look at Victor's face, returning his smile. "I guess it's a good thing we're leaving in a few days. We can take him home too."

 

Victor didn't reply to that, but merely turned to look at Yuri again while he kept holding Yuuri.

 

* * *

 

_You’re the fire and the flood_

_And I’ll always feel you in my blood…_

 

* * *

 

Yuuri felt Yuri's stare on him as he mended a tear in his cloak, very much like the cat he chose as his other form.

 

The boy had slept most of the day before, barely stirring to the sounds of Victor and Yuuri's hushed conversations as they went about their day, Victor's gaze drawn to his brother lying quietly on the bed. At night they got the bedroll laid out, Yuuri amazed at just how much Yuri was determined to sleep. Victor assured him that this was normal behavior for Yuri when they weren't dancing.

 

Yuuri had relaxed once Victor's arms were around him, his arm serving as a pillow for Yuuri's head. Sometime in the night Victor had rolled onto his back, and Yuuri had instinctively followed after his warmth. When he opened his eyes in the morning he was pleasantly surprised to find a light ginger cat curled up in a ball on Victor's stomach, Victor's hand curled over the sleek-furred back as the cat purred.

 

Smiling at the sight, Yuuri wondered if this wasn't the first time that had happened.

 

Yuri had nothing to say about that when they ate breakfast, though he was considerably less hostile and ate slower, staying close to Victor. It was endearing, to tell the truth, even if Yuri's manner remained rather...abrasive.

 

As the afternoon approached, Victor was explaining their plans to go to his village in a few days' time as he mended one of his shirts. Yuri listened, frowning in thought before turning to look at Yuuri. "So he's really coming with us?"

 

Yuuri's eyes widened and he flushed at the question. "I-is that going to be a problem?"

 

"Of course it isn't. You'll be welcome there, Yuuri," Victor quickly said, reaching over to squeeze his hand reassuringly before giving Yuri a rather dangerous smile of warning. "By  _everyone_."

 

Yuri merely shrugged. "Just as long as he keeps our secrets, I guess."

 

Burying down a flash of irritation, Yuuri calmly replied, "I have been keeping your secrets. No one around here knows that Victor's a Changer. That's his secret to reveal, not mine." 

 

"Good. We don't need humans coming around and poking their noses in on our business," Yuri said, smirking. "There's a bunch of stories for kids about our kind telling humans about being Changers. The human asks the Changer to prove it, so the Changer turns into a bear or a deer. It depends on who's telling it. Of course the idiot human only sees a bear or a deer, so they just kill the Changer. Either they skin the bear or eat the deer in a soup. It's supposed to be a warning for babies." 

 

Yuuri was feeling a little ill by the end of the story, shocked that such a violent story could be considered suitable for a child. Swallowing, he suddenly remembered something Victor had told him. "But wouldn't the Changer just turn back into a human when they die?" 

 

Victor answered, "The whole skinning and eating part is just meant to exaggerate the point a little. It's supposed to be a lesson that was meant to keep us away from humans, Changed or not."

 

"Like  _you_ even listened," Yuri muttered.

 

"I don't regret it one bit," Victor said, beaming at Yuuri. "In any case, Yura, just be ready for the tongue-lashing you'll get from Yakov for running away."

 

Yuri gave a loud scoff. "Right! Once he sees you he'll completely forget about me running away. He'll be too busy killing you."

 

"And waste my Yuuri's efforts?" Victor asked, not sounding at all worried.

 

"Ugh. Don't be gross." Again he turned that sharp green gaze, on Yuuri, and asked, "Why were you even out here by yourself?"

 

Yuuri paled.

 

It was one thing to tell Victor, and only Victor, and this was his little brother. How would he even judge Yuuri for his actions? Victor immediately said in a warning tone, "Yuri-"

 

"I-it's okay, Victor," Yuuri interrupted, fidgeting with the cloak in his lap as he tried to determine how best to answer without giving too much away. "...I haven't been back home in five years, and I was more comfortable living on my own."

 

Then Victor added, likely to deter Yuri from asking more, "But I'm taking him home to his village once I let everyone know I'm alive. We just have to drop you off, and-"

 

"Like  _hell_ you are!" Yuri exclaimed with a glare at his brother. "I'm not letting you out of my sight again, you shithead!"

 

Victor looked at Yuuri questioningly. Yuuri could understand the boy's thinking. Of course he wouldn't want to separate from his brother so soon after getting him back, and Yuuri didn't want to be the one to cause that separation. "Well, if you really want to come with us..."

 

"I do!"

 

Looking thoughtful for a moment, Victor beamed at Yuri and then proceeded to stand and make his way towards Yuuri, bending at the waist to envelop him in his arms while Yuuri yelped in surprise. "Then you'll have to get used to watching us like this _all the time,_ " he said with a sly grin.

 

"Victor!" Yuuri exclaimed.

 

The boy glared at them. "Gross!" 

 

Victor ignored his brother's outrage, nuzzling Yuuri's reddened ear and cooing, "I'm going to hug him and kiss him..."

 

" _YOU'RE NOT CHANGING MY MIND."_

 

Finally letting up a little, Victor lifted his face and said with a smile. "I wasn't really planning on it." He made his way to Yuri and ruffled his hair messily, Yuri's frown softening a bit at the action. "You're right. I don't want to let you out of my sight either."

 

Looking a little more relaxed, Yuri gave Yuuri a dry stare. "How do you live with this idiot?"

 

"Pretty easily, actually," Yuuri replied with a soft laugh, still blushing a little.

 

Before Victor could despair over his mate and brother calling him an idiot, they heard someone scream from outside the cabin, " _YURI!"_

 

The three of them froze, alarmed at the scream, and Victor slowly asked, "...Yura, is that..."

 

"Oh,  _shit,_ " Yuri groaned. Victor's eyes were wide as he got to his feet and yanked the door open. Looking over his shoulder, Yuuri saw a flash of short red hair, and suddenly Victor was being wrapped in a tight hug.

 

It was a girl, older than Yurio and incredibly beautiful. Victor stared at her in complete surprise for a moment before hugging her back. "Mila!"

 

Tearfully looking up at Victor, Mila exclaimed ecstatically, "He found you! He actually found you!"

 

Of course. Victor had spoken of her. One of his fellow dancers, along with a man named Georgi whom Victor described as never wanting to leave his mate's side. Yuri, livid, spat out, "What the  _fuck_ , hag? Did you follow me!?"

 

Brushing her tears away, Mila replied with a smirk, "Did you actually think we wouldn't, kitten? Yakov was  _furious_ when he found your note. We left almost right away! You know you're not exactly good at hiding your scent, Yura." 

 

Yuuri watched Yuri turn _very_ red, and he seemed ready to leap at Mila before Victor asked, astonished, "Yakov came with you?"

 

"He did! He should be here soon!" Mila told him, still beaming up at him. "I missed you so much, Vitya! We were all so worried when you didn't come back."

 

Victor then led Mila further in, towards Yuuri who had gotten to his feet, trying not to look as nervous as he felt. "Mila, this is my mate, Yuuri. He's the one who saved my life," the silver-haired man said, affection in his voice as he reached for Yuuri's hand. 

 

Yuuri, squeezing Victor's hand back, gave Mila a smile of greeting. "It's nice to meet-"

 

Then he found himself wrapped in her arms and squeezed tightly, caught off-guard by her inherent strength. She beamed at him, blue eyes glowing with admiration. "Thank you! Thank you so much! You don't know how grateful I am. Victor's like a big brother to me, so that makes you my brother too!"

 

"Th-thank you?" Yuuri stammered, relieved when she let him go. 

 

She kept on smiling as she turned to look at Victor, though her voice sounded stormy when she asked, "Now  _what do you mean he saved your life, Vitya?"_

 

"The idiot got shot out of the sky," Yuri growled. "That's why he couldn't fly back before winter started."

 

" _Shot?!"_  Mila exclaimed, eyes going round with horror before turning to look at Yuuri again, and he took a step back before she could crush him again. "And you saved his life! I just knew all the stories about humans eating us up weren't true!" Then she gasped, almost as though  catching herself in a blunder, and asked Victor, "...He does know right?"

 

"He told me when we met," Yuuri said. "I got to watch him Change the same day I told him he was recovered." 

 

Then, once again, they jumped at a sudden roar from outside. " _YURI!"_

 

At the sound of the voice, Yuri blanched and darted over to hide behind Victor, who glanced over his shoulder at him in amusement as Yuuri bit back a groan and went to open the door before the person on the other side pushed it down. 

 

An older, rotund and balding man with what appeared to be a permanent scowl stalked into the cabin, and Yuuri remembered Victor telling him that this man chose an owl as a preferred form. This man was...not owlish at all. He was more like a bear, in all honesty. The man's eyes widened slightly when they fell on Victor, and they narrowed when he snarled, " _You._ "

 

Victor, still smiling, brightly replied, "Yes, it's me."

 

Yuuri closed the door, praying no other surprise guests showed up, while Yakov stalked up to Victor and demanded loudly, "Where in the hell  _have you been?!"_

 

"Yakov, let me explain," Victor said calmly, all while Yuri quietly turned into a mouse and hid behind his brother's foot.

 

" _DO IT QUICKLY! AND YOU,"_ Yakov roared, eyes easily finding Yuri. "I can see you cowering back there, Yuri. I'll deal with you later."

 

In an instant, a human Yuri was standing behind Victor once again, groaning in defeat while Yakov looked around them. "Whose cabin is this anyway?"

 

"Mine, s-sir," Yuuri replied quietly from his spot behind the door, suddenly wishing he too could Change into something virtually unnoticeable. 

 

Yakov looked him over, eyes still narrowed. "You're a human," he stated gruffly.

 

"I-I am. And I know about Changers," Yuuri said, fearing he was sounding rather foolish.

 

Grunting once as he crossed his arms, Yakov asked, "You haven't told anyone have you?"

 

"I haven't."

 

"Good." Yakov gave him a single nod, and it was enough to have Yuuri sagging against the wall in relief. Alright. Victor's father figure didn't seem to hate him outright. 

 

Victor then moved to stand beside Yuuri, putting a hand on his shoulder and saying, "Yakov, this is my mate, Yuuri."

 

Yuuri tensed once again at the way Yakov's eyes grew round with shock. "Your  _what?!"_

 

Gods, he was going to die. "H-hello," he said quietly, practically shrinking beside Victor.

 

Yakov looked back and forth between them, finally settling on Victor and growling, "Start explaining. Now."

 

They let Mila and Yakov sit at the table, cups of hot tea set in front of them, which they sipped every now and then as Victor explained how he'd gotten injured and ended up in Yuuri's care, jumping right to the days after Victor asked Yuuri to be his mate. "...And then you three showed up, one right after the other," he said, smiling widely as he took in the five of them in the rather small space. "It's...very crowded in here," he commented lightly.

 

Yuuri couldn't agree more.

 

Yakov nodded as he took it all in, his scowl softening considerably as he looked up at Victor. "I'm glad you're alright, Vitya. It hasn't been the same without you."

 

Victor smiled at his guardian before bending down to hug him tightly. "I missed you too, Yakov. I missed all of you."

  

Yuuri could see a faint smile briefly appear on Yakov's face before it turned stern again when he looked at Yuri. "As for  _you._ When we get back to the village, you're going to clean the house from top to bottom until I can eat off the  _floor_. And you'll do it as many times as I tell you!"

 

"I'm staying with Victor!" Yuri shot back, crossing his arms tight over his chest and nodding towards Yuuri. "Besides, we're taking  _him_ back to his village too!" 

 

Yuuri blinked in alarm at the mention of his return. "W-what?"

 

Victor gazed at him thoughtfully, brow wrinkling with a light frown. "Well..." He spoke to Yuuri directly, eyes entreating as they took in his anxious look. "They already know I'm alive and well. Maybe...we could go back to your village now rather than wait."

 

It was true. Now that Victor's family had seen for himself that he was alive and well, there was no reason to take him back to his village and delay Yuuri's own return. Gods, he'd thought he'd had weeks to prepare, but now he would only have days. Feeling their stares on him, expecting his answer, Yuuri felt caught. As though they _knew_ just by looking at him. 

 

All he could say was, "I should check on my snares...I'll be back."

 

He tried to be as casual as possible as he made his way out the door, feeling Victor's worried gaze on him.

 

Yuuri didn't run.

 

He just walked, almost like the day he went to the festival, not entirely aware of where his footsteps were taking him.

 

He just knew it was quiet and open.

 

No one was looking at him. No one was expecting anything.

 

Knowing that, he still didn't run.

 

He knew he would never run away from Victor. 

 

He truly just needed to think, to privately worry about what would happen if he set foot in his family's home.

 

Ideally Yuuri would return and everything would really be forgiven. He would find them there, welcoming him back and not asking anything of him.

 

Real life was different. 

 

They'd likely turn him away, expressing their disappointment in him. After all this time he'd proven that he was weak, unworthy of their love or Victor's.

 

And Victor would see him for what he was.

 

He found himself at the river, where just two days before he'd convinced Victor that going back to his family was more important. 

 

Why couldn't he have been able to just freeze that moment in time when they were here, together, and everything was as perfect as they could make it? 

 

Because life couldn't be that easy.

 

He'd known that for years.

 

Solitude was complicated. Quiet was complicated. Being surrounded by people was complicated. 

 

He sat down and wondered.

 

It wasn't silent. It wasn't lonely. 

 

But it wasn't peaceful.

 

A hand gently settled on his shoulder, and Yuuri wasn't surprised to feel it. He turned and met Victor's worried gaze, the man kneeling beside him. "You were gone a long time. I was worried."

 

Gods, he hadn't even kept track of how much time had passed. He glanced behind Victor and asked, "A-are they with you, or..."

 

"They're still at the cabin," Victor said, sitting down next to him with a chagrined look. "It must've been uncomfortable for you back there with so many people. I'm sorry."

 

"Don't be," Yuuri sighed, turning his gaze back to the river. "We weren't exactly expecting guests."

 

There was silence between them for a few moments, and Yuuri was grateful for it. Then Victor asked softly, "Do you want to go home, Yuuri?"

 

He closed his eyes, hands tightly gripping the grass beneath him. "I do. Really, it's just..."

 

Victor squeezed his shoulder reassuringly and said, "I won't try to force you into it. We could stay here as long as you wanted."

 

And he meant it. Gods, he meant it. Yuuri shook his head, his heart utterly full. "I'm not going to keep you away from your family, Victor. I told you I'd go back with you."

 

He met Victor's gaze, those blue depths steady as they held him. "I'm here. Tell me."

 

Biting his lip, Yuuri hesitated. Would he admit even more weakness? His throat felt tight as he tore his gaze away and finally said, "How can I even face them, Victor? Yuuko  _did_ forgive me, but...That doesn't change that I ran. I let my family down. I'm not the son they deserve, I'm not strong, I'm just...I'm just me."

 

"Just you," Victor repeated thoughtfully. "Yuuri, you saved my life. You opened your home to me, and you listened to me when I needed it." His fingers stroked Yuuri's cheek, brushing away the single tear rolling down it. "You're willful, you work hard...And you've been...incredibly good to me. Your family's wanted you home all this time, Yuuri. Do you really think they'll hate you?"

 

Turning his tearful gaze on Victor, Yuuri sighed and admitted, "...I don't know. I just...it's so hard to even start forgiving myself. And I'm so afraid that..." He swallowed and went on, "You could look at me and realize you're more than I could ever deserve."

 

"It's the other way around, Yuuri," Victor said, gaze filling with emotion. "I can't look at you without asking myself what I did to deserve you."

 

"You..." Yuuri still couldn't believe it. Victor really thought he didn't deserve  _him?_ Gods...Yuuri shook his head and told him, "You made me realize how alone I was, and how I  _hated_ it. I like the quiet, I like being alone sometimes, but...hiding like this, never talking to or touching anyone..." He reached for Victor's hand on his shoulder, clutching it hard. "I hated it so much, but I thought I deserved it. There's...no one else like you in the whole world. I could go and look, but it'd just be a waste of my time."

 

Victor leaned in to kiss his cheek, his scent wrapping around Yuuri like a blanket. "I think the same about you," he murmured, Yuuri sensing the ache in his voice. He kissed the corner of Yuuri's mouth, and Yuuri turned to press their lips together in a soft, lingering kiss, Victor murmuring against his lips, “You're in my heart, Yuuri. When I told you I loved you, I meant it.”

 

Yuuri looked into those blue eyes, remembering their playfulness, humor, and love. He remembered how they looked in pain, sorrow, and passion. He held on to those memories and the way Victor was looking at him at that very moment, and once again resolved to lock them all away in his heart. He pressed his forehead against Victor's and breathed, summoning all of the strength Victor believed he had.

 

* * *

 

_I know my kingdom awaits, and they’ve forgiven my mistakes_

_I’m coming home, I’m coming home…_

 

* * *

 

Yuuri was beginning to recognize old landmarks and features.

 

His jaw ached after hours of grinding his teeth. Nervous butterflies crowded his stomach. Five days of walking had his legs aching, and it felt as though his mind wanted to keep curling in on itself as he took one step after the other.

 

The feeling hadn't really dissipated in the past five days, even when Victor or Yuri were speaking to him or when Victor held him and kissed him. Half of him was happy that this was finally happening. As though the child in him wanted to just run down that familiar path through the village to his family's inn, where he knew his parents and sister would be waiting.

 

He was still reading the letters every night. Sure, he could remember the words easily enough, but holding them in his hands was comforting. 

 

Yuuri found himself regretting ever burning the other letters. Those were years of reassurance, physically gone because of his guilt, his stubbornness. 

 

Closing his eyes, he would lean against Victor, realizing that he couldn't change the past, or keep running from it, but he could take control of his future. 

 

Mila and Yakov had left hours after their arrival, satisfied that Victor was safe and Yuri was in good hands (since he refused to leave Victor's side). They asked no questions about any odd behavior displayed on Yuuri's part, but he had no doubt that they'd noticed it.

 

If they really had, Yuuri appreciated them not bringing any attention to it. "Try not to stay away too long this time, Vitya," Mila instructed, smirking as she hugged a growling Yuri.

 

"I promise," Victor reassured her, ruffling Yuri's hair when he finally freed himself and ran over to his side. "We'll make our way to the village as soon as possible."

 

He made it clear to Yuuri that they could take as much time as he needed. Reconnect with his family and mend what needed to be mended. Yuuri knew he would never stop being grateful to Victor for that. He knew he needed that time. 

 

Yakov had turned to him, silent for a moment before nodding once. "Keep an eye on the two of them for me, boy. You already know Victor is reckless, and Yuri here is already following in his footsteps."

 

Biting back a soft laugh at Yuri's protest, Yuuri replied, "I'll take good care of them."

 

"I don't need a human taking care of me!" Yuri snarled with a stubborn expression.

 

Victor gave Yuuri a grin before draping himself over him, saying, "In that case he can just keep taking care of me."

 

"Victor!" Yuuri exclaimed, blushing as Victor stroked his hair lovingly and hoping no one caught the double-meaning in his words.

 

Once they said their goodbyes, Yakov and Mila left the cabin, Yuuri, Victor, and Yuri standing outside and watching as the older man turned into an owl and the girl became a fox, soon disappearing from view as the sun began to set.

 

The day after they went to the city, and Yuuri had been amused watching Victor and Yuri run together as wolf and cat. It was an unusually pleasing sight, and they did remember to Change back into their human forms from a safe distance away.

 

Christophe and Eduard had been sad to hear Yuuri was leaving for an unspecified length of time, but he did reassure them that he was going to return. 

 

What had once been a self-imposed exile had yielded quite a few friendships for him, even if he kept them at a distance for the majority of the last five years. 

 

Mistress Lilia was disappointed to see him go, but did wish him luck. Yuuri was able to speak with Phichit, who hugged him and held him to his promise to return.

 

Packing away everything in the cabin took more time than Yuuri had thought. Even if there was no one here, it was apparent that Yuuri had existed in this small space.

 

It had just been a place to live, once, but it was home now. Or one of his homes. He was surprised to find that he would miss it. Maybe it should have felt wrong, but here it was that Victor's love found him, making him admit his yearning for the love of his family. He couldn't positively say that if Victor had never come into his life he would have stayed in the cabin forever. Maybe he would have returned home on his own eventually.

 

Still, it was Victor who'd convinced him to do this now, and it was Victor walking beside him faithfully.

 

"How are you feeling?" the silver-haired man asked him softly.

 

Yuuri looked into those blue eyes, seeing Victor's belief in him, and smiled. "Like I need someone to pinch me.  _Not literally!"_ he shouted when Yuri started reaching for his bare arm.

 

"Damn," the boy muttered, backing away from the adults' glares.

 

Yuuri shifted the burden on his back, recalling how he'd run in the opposite direction five years before, away from his shame and guilt. "...I stayed away for five years, and I was always so close..." He'd been so close, how was it possible that he'd stayed away so long? "It's just surreal that I'm actually almost there." 

 

" _Finally,_ " Yuri muttered resentfully. "We would've gotten here faster if we'd been able to run or fly," he added, pointedly staring at Yuuri.

 

Rolling his eyes, Yuuri replied, "Believe me, Yuri, I'd love to be able to just grow a pair of wings whenever I wanted." To just be able to soar and truly see why Victor loved it so much...

 

He reached for Victor's hand and squeezed it gratefully. Victor was alive, Victor loved him, and Victor was walking beside him. 

 

Soon the village came into view, and Yuuri stared at the extremely blurry sight as he tried to keep his anxiety at bay, thinking back to every word his parents had written, every word from Mari that told him he would always have her support.

 

 

"So this is where you grew up," Victor remarked.

 

Yuuri quickly replied, "It's probably nowhere near as impressive as your village-"

 

"Yuuri, it's beautiful here!" the older man exclaimed, eyes wide with wonder as he took in the sight of the village in front of them. 

 

Yes. Yuuri did remember it being beautiful. And safe. 

 

His breaths shook with every step he took, and he needed to keep his gaze up to know Victor and Yuri were still next to him. He forced himself to stop going back to that night, when he could see Yuuko's tearful gaze as she begged him to stay, all while his mind just told him to run as far away as he could. 

 

He almost laughed, realizing that he'd actually stayed as close as possible, and still managed to stay away. He'd kept them away.

 

It was late afternoon and there were people out in the streets, and Yuuri knew they would stand out.

 

He heard the whispers and focused on his breaths. He knew he'd be recognized. Part of him feared what they would say and how they would judge him. But Yuuri couldn't run again. That would feel worse than anything that would happen in his family's home.

 

They neared the inn and Yuuri took a steadying breath, still terrified that he'd be seen as a failure, unworthy of their love.

 

But he'd returned, just as his mother believed he would. Just a few feet away from the entrance, Yuuri swallowed and turned to Victor, asking, "Could you both wait out here?"

 

Victor's eyes filled with concern and he touched Yuuri's arm meaningfully. "Are you sure, Yuuri?"

 

"I'm sure," he said as he nodded. He wanted to face them on his own at first, just for those first moments, feeling that he could at least manage that without anyone holding his hand through it, even though Victor was still here, supporting him. "I'll be out soon so I can...call you both in."

 

Yuri grunted with mild disinterest, still looking around and glaring at other adolescents who were staring at him and Victor with blatant admiration. Victor was completely unaware of it, his eyes on Yuuri, and he smiled in understanding. "I'll be right here. I'm not leaving."

 

Yuuri held on to those words, his hand brushing Victor's to reassure himself that they were true. "I know."

 

"I love you, Yuuri," Victor said to him quietly, squeezing his fingers briefly as he leaned in to quickly brush Yuuri's forehead. A promise for much later.

 

"I love you too," he replied just as quietly, making the same promise as his eyes flickered to those lips he loved to kiss.

 

Letting go, Yuuri started to make his way to the door when Yuri called, "Hey!"

 

He turned and the boy was avoiding his gaze, but he muttered, "Good luck in there."

 

Yuuri smiled at him, that would-be brother of his. "Thanks, Yuri."

 

He turned again and took another deep breath, preparing to meet whoever it was he would find inside.

 

His breath left him in a rush when he stepped inside, fearing he had severed his link to Victor just outside. Gods, it still looked the same, untouched, as though...

 

As though waiting for him.

 

And it wasn't empty.

 

Brows much like his own rose when they saw him standing there, and eyes as dark as his own widened when they realized just who he was. Yuuri looked his sister and couldn't move, feeling strangely light as he breathed out her name, "...Mari."

 

"Yuuri," Mari said quietly, and then again in a joyful cry as her eyes filled with tears. "Yuuri!" She ran to him, closing the distance between them hands clutching his arms tightly as she gazed at him with a tearful smile, and Yuuri felt his own tears close his throat. Mari called over his shoulder, "Everyone, it's Yuuri! Yuuri's home!"

 

His heart raced with an unidentifiable feeling as he listened to the sounds of his rapid footsteps coming closer, and then a hard rush when his parents stepped into the room, the concerned expressions on their faces slowly replaced by shock as they looked at Yuuri and Mari standing together.

 

Yuuri couldn't say anything then, only able to fill his gaze with the sight of them, marked by time but still bright as two suns. He silently begged them for forgiveness as they neared him. 

 

"Yuuri," his mother said, her face warm and open as ever, brown eyes filled with joy as they beheld him.

 

His father looked at him as well, Yuuri recognizing that old, quiet understanding in his face, likely masking his pain for the moment. But for now, he too smiled at Yuuri, quietly saying, "Welcome home."

 

Yuuri exhaled shakily, tearing his gaze away from them as his heart broke for them and all the waiting they had to do, just for him. "I'm...I'm so sorry. For everything-"

 

"We forgive you," Mari quickly said, tears flowing down her face as he looked at her again. "We forgive, you, alright?"

 

Gods, hearing it was almost like a punch to gut, only considerably less painful and more...wonderful. Powerful, and...Yuuri couldn't describe it. He knew they'd all still feel their individual pain, the loss of the past five years, but this moment and every moment after were what mattered. His father's hand squeezed his shoulder, and Yuuri could feel the happiness in the touch, letting it fill him as his father said, "We're just glad you're back, son." 

 

It had taken too long and so much, but he was back. Nothing in the past would change, but this was the future he wanted. A future where he knew he had a home. A future with Victor, who was still standing outside with Yuri, probably worried about what was going on inside. Gods, Victor. His Victor. Beautiful Victor. "There's someone I want you all to meet," he told them, wiping his tears away and finally able to smile at them again.

 

He went back to the door and slid it open, finding Victor and Yuri standing in the same spot. Yuuri could see how anxious Victor looked, and his expression turned to relief when his eyes fell on Yuuri, standing at the door with a wide smile on his face.

 

All of the love in Victor's eyes flowed into him, along with Victor's faith in him. Yuuri had saved his life, and Victor had found his way into his. His anxiety wouldn't just pack up and leave, and he would still feel doubts about himself and lack confidence at times. But that didn't change that Victor was beaming as he took Yuri's hand and started to quickly walk towards him, reaching for Yuuri's hand and clasping them together.

 

It felt good. It felt permanent.

 

It felt like it was all  _his_.

 

They both ignored Yuri's disgusted noise as they kissed briefly, Yuuri laughing with exhilaration against Victor's lips as he squeezed his hand, still blushing after all this time.

 

"Come on in," he said to them, leading them inside.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it.
> 
> Please comment!
> 
> my tumblr: **aeriamamaduck**
> 
> Songs quoted:
> 
> Somewhere Only We Know - Keane  
> Youth - Daughter  
> Elastic Heart - Sia  
> They Meet At the River’s Edge - Alan Menken  
> Believe - Mumford & Sons  
> Hourglass - Zedd (feat. Liz)  
> Look After You - The Fray  
> Moondust - Jaymes Young  
> True Colors - Cyndi Lauper  
> Mercury - Sleeping At Last  
> I Dare You to Move - Switchfoot  
> Beautiful Now - Zedd (feat. Jon Bellion)  
> We Belong Together - Gavin Degraw  
> Fire and the Flood - Vance Joy  
> Coming Home (Part II) - Skylar Grey


End file.
